Every day I speak to or receive emails from parents who are calling for advice or ideas. Sometimes they start off with, “My child is well attached, BUT…” and then they proceed to describe behaviors that are major red flags for me. When parents join ADN’s listserves, they are often confused about what behaviors really are indicative of attachment problems.


I decided it would be an interesting informal experiment to ask you folks what criteria you use to assess your child’s attachment to you. Conversely, what behaviors do you consider to be indicative of attachment problems?


Let me start with my ideas…


I think a well-attached child can be assertive without being controlling. So many people describe their children as “strong-willed” or “willful” or “independent”. I completely understand what that means in the context of a healthy child, but there seem to be a lot of adoptees who are either “willful” or “passive”! A child who doesn’t act aggressively but passively refuses to do anything or cooperate at all is just as willful as one who makes blatant demands. Kids who have a strong need to control don’t yet trust their environment or the adults in that environment.


I think a well-attached child is reciprocal in the giving and receiving of affection. They are not afraid to show their vulnerability (their commitment to the intimacy) and will actively seek out affection. They don’t “mommy-shop”. They trust mommy to be there even if she goes into another room. Clinginess or affection only on the child’s terms aren't the same as true reciprocal affection.


Often parents describe their parent/child dynamics in such a way that indicates the child is not allowing the parent to parent. A child will not feel secure enough to attach if they don’t acquiesce to parental (adult) control. This is precisely why attachment-challenged children thrive in structured environments. It is clear who is in control.


This is only the beginning. What do you think are indicators your child is attached, or is still a work-in-progress?