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I just received a phone call from my son in his residential treatment center. He is singing a familiar tune that goes “It’s not my fault.”
If you are the parent of a child with attachment issues, you are very familiar with this tune. Everyone is at fault but your child. I have heard this tune in so many forms it doesn’t even phase me anymore. I don’t even argue about it because it is pointless.
Last weekend Sammy received two days of restriction at the treatment center because, “Some of the other residents said I had a bad attitude while I was working.” A bad attitude reported by other residents isn’t going to earn him two days of restriction but trying to get the truth is fruitless.
Tonight Sammy told me that he got three days of restriction because, “My roommate said that I was bad mouthing staff but I wasn’t.” Again, trying to find the truth is about as productive as trying to catch rain in an eye dropper so I don’t even bother.
The person who is at fault for Sammy’s issues can vary greatly. I am the most likely to be at fault, but it can be peers, teachers, strangers, social workers, therapists or anyone else he can think of. Whoever happens to anger him is the person to blame for the problems of the day.
One of the classic symptoms of RAD is:
Denial of accountability, always blaming others
This goes along with the lack of conscience development in kids with attachment issues. Kids with RAD don’t feel bad for things that they have done, because it’s not their fault. Sammy has never expressed remorse for the things that have put him in jail, residential treatment or treatment foster homes because someone else always made him do it or made him mad. His busting windows, doors, and walls are not his fault because I gave him a consequence, or a teacher kept him after school, or a friend made fun of his shoes. He has nothing to apologize for. He doesn’t steal things. He “finds” them in various places.
As parents we want our kids to learn right from wrong, develop morals and most importantly to us, develop a conscience. In some ways this is how we gauge whether or not our kids are emotionally healthy. We want to see our kids achieve everything that we know they can.
So, we keep on hoping that this is possible for our kid(s), that they will learn right from wrong, develop morals and a conscience…but is there hope to keep or are we just as delusional as the kid(s) seem to be if we think there is????
I have a sixteen-year-old son who sounds a lot like your son. We adopted him from Russia when he was eighteen months old. He spent those first months in an orphanage. My husband and I never heard of rad and thought that by giving a child enough love and consistency that everything would go well. However, we have found that love is not enough. Life with him has been so difficult. Any consequences that we have given him throughout his live have been vieweed as a challenge to get around. When we chained his bike for a day for riding it without a helmet when he was 7, he picked the lock. When we grounded him for failing grades, at 16 he jumped out of his window and spent the night away from home. He just recently ingested what was considered a fatal dose of his father’s medication. He lived through it but is in the custody of our social service now. We have sought help from every service we can think of and have depleted our finances.
Boy, can we ever relate to what you are saying.
My word, what a blessing!, I was having “one of those” mornings when I came a cross this site… thanks for sharing, i’d like to know more about the treatment centers…i’m struggling with my 12 year old.
Hi I just found this website and can totally relate. My husband and I adopted our 13 yo son 7 years ago. He was drug exposed and in numerous foster placements before getting to us. What a rollercoaster ride it has been. We’ve dealt with a myriad of therapists- psychiatrists etc home based-you name it. I’m sure you’ve deal with all the issues, constant need for control, lying stealing… Bio feedback and therapy were not helping and we finally placed C out of the home 3 months ago after we couldn’t take it any more. Communication had basically completely shut down. Our home had turned into such a stressful horrible place to be. Since his placement I’ve been able to get some rest and go to work without looking like a crazy woman. Our state social service agency has not been able to assist with getting a therapist at this point. I don’t know how long it’ll be before he comes home. We see him twice a week but have not brought him home for any overnights yet. I feel like a horrible person at times and have a lot of guilt, but it’s better than the way we were living. I feel hopeless at times when thinking about our future. He’s such a beautiful boy and appears so “normal”. It’s such a horrible disorder and there are not many resources.
I get that too… but how can I combat it? I want to trust him, he needs me to trust him, but I can’t trust him when he lies or places blame on someone else…
As I read “It’s Not My Fault”, and the comments from readers that follow, I am struck by how many of the issues and feelings I recognize in my own family.
Our son was adopted at the age of 3 years from U.S. foster care. He is now 9 years old, and exhibits many of the behaviors you all describe. He is currently seeing psychologist on a weekly basis, and soon we will start family therapy. But I feel something is “missing” – does this make sense? I so badly want the key to unlock his heart and help him to shed his past, and like himself – so that in turn, he can begin to like others.
Does anyone know how to find local support groups to join? And has anyone tried the RAD Consultancy “Taming the Wild Child” approach?
thanks.
Hi, you need to educate yourself and find qualified attachment therapist. I have just founded a RAD foundation to help all RAD families (no money yet:)and there are many websites to help – mine is http://www.attachment-disorder-foundation.com (with hyphens)I have links to other sites as well. We have RAD twins — incredibly difficult and one is not currently living with us. Hang in there.