I don’t know how many families I have worked with over the years, but it has been many. Represented in that overall sample were quite a few families in crisis, some of whom went on to disrupt. Through no plans of my own, I have come to be considered the “Disruption Guru” by many in the industry—a moniker which actually creates issues for me on many fronts. I have learned many, many things about families, relationships, attachment, stress responses, coping skills and human behavior over the course of this past 15 years. Here is one bottom line thing I hang on to: I try very, very hard not to make judgments about why people disrupt a placement. In most cases, I am “right there with them.” In other situations, it isn’t so clear, but the absolute bottom line is—what is the best avenue for the child?


I have heard it said that once folks start talking about disrupting, it will, in all probability, become a reality. That has certainly been my experience. When I first began working with Beth’s family, they were done in their heart, but not in their head. It took about 2 months for them to admit what they already knew. That was a very strange situation for me, because I was wearing multiple hats. I knew I wanted to take Beth, but I was determined to not lead or influence her first family’s decision in any way. They eventually were able to admit to themselves that they were done, and we began the process of making it happen.


As one reader commented in this blog,

But honestly, I'd rather see a family disrupt—cold or not—than to leave a child with a family that either didn't want them or couldn't parent them.

I completely agree with this statement. If it isn’t working, it isn’t working. Making judgments will not help the child at all … so I prefer to focus my energies on getting the child in a different environment and making things better for all concerned. If a child needs to be moved, the fallout to both child and family will most certainly need to be addressed, and making judgments about the reasons won’t change a thing.


I may not agree with some of the details of how this transfer was handled, but knowing how ready to be done the sending family is, I am glad for them and for Dora that they no longer have to coexist so unhappily with each other. I was once more judgmental in my view of why this happens, but no longer. People are imperfect—parents and kids—and it is what it is. We (a collective "we"--social workers, agencies, adoption professionals in general) should do what we can to identify and address those imperfections, but many will be missed. As Barbara Holtan once said, "As long as there are adoptions, there will be disruptions." I agree.


Open adoptions after disruption

Disruptions and underground networks, Part One

Part Two: Risks and Responsibilities

Part Three: Decisions of the heart or head?




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