Part One

Since I have been doing a series on nature vs. nurture, it was an interesting coincidence to meet a mom with one biological and one adopted child, and to learn the bio child was the most challenging. Especially given that the adoptee had been identified as special needs, and clearly fit that category based on spending five crucial developmental years in an orphanage. And although I have only briefly met this child, I have to say, I see no red flags. Had I known nothing about her history, my first impression of her would still be overwhelmingly positive. I just like the way she handled herself, her self-assurance and bearing. She had just cut off a bunch of hair to donate to Locks of Love. (It always gives me pause when I hear of someone doing that, because it reminds me of how Amy decided to do that, made a big deal about doing it, cut her hair off and never sent it in... at least the last I knew...) Considering this young lady's history (and my decidedly skewed view of the world), I find her demeanor remarkable. I look forward to getting to know her better, and I am delighted that she and Beth are friends. They share a special connection.


Another mom was dropping her child off for the slumber party last night at the same time I was there with Beth. We three moms visited for awhile, and the other mom indicated she had a friend who was waiting on a referral from China. She says her friend has done a great deal of reading and preparation, but the mom told me she was concerned her friend had only a “pie in the sky” attitude about how things would unfold. I offered to meet with the pre-adoptive mom prior to the child’s arrival and help her understand how to maximize bonding and attachment with her new daughter. I have made this offer to other families before, and nothing has come of it. It is scary to say the “a” word… to contemplate the fact that your child might have difficulty attaching to you, or perhaps you might have trouble attaching to the child! As I wrote in a previous post, child rearing is something that parent and child do together!


But knowledge is power. While it is scary to read about attachment issues in children, it is so vitally important that parents understand the grief, loss and trauma issues that accompany many adoptees, and especially post-institutionalized kids or children in the US who are removed from biological parents due to neglectful or abusive situations. Being proactive can allow the relationship to flourish from the start, rather than necessitating backpedaling later.


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