Interestingly enough, my son and daughter continue to post on this site. One reader speculated several days ago—before the most recent posts by Anchulee and Tony—that they might actually enjoy the publicity. Regardless, their comments almost beg for responses …


Anchulee stated in a recent comment that I had told her once that she was my “guinea pig.” If one Googles “guinea pig”, one of the definitions you will find states: A person who is used as a subject for experimentation or research.


I can assure you, I did not adopt this child to be my “experimental subject” so that I might get it right later on. What I told her was, she was my learning curve. Big difference between that and guinea pig. But since she tends to hear everything as if it was being done to her, she apparently translated my words into “lab rat.”


I have asked myself many times, what if I knew then what I know now? What if I knew in 1989 how to recognize and address trauma and attachment issues? Would the outcome have been different, and if so, in what way? I addressed these questions in a previous blog, so I won’t repeat myself. I just had to clarify that I never, ever approached my daughter as if she was my guinea pig.


I’m really emotionally whipped by all of this. I tried so incredibly hard to reach these two kids, and have received little but grief in return for the vast majority of the time I tried to help them build successful lives. I am more than ready to let go, and more than happy to let them live their own lives—successfully or otherwise.


I question my ability to write about Beth and Dora and attachment and trauma-affected kids without drawing upon my history and my experiences (with these two individuals in particular), but I will try to do so to the utmost of my ability. It is just impossible to describe—but maybe not so impossible to some of you readers—how much those experiences permeate who I am and who I have become. It is impossible to invest so much hope, time, energy, passion and love into someone and not have an unhappy outcome affect one’s viewpoint. I do need to let go. Much easier said than done. I’m still a work in progress …


Tony and Anchulee, you are free to communicate with me in this public forum (an interesting choice, given that you avoid “normal” communication at all costs), but if you truly desire your anonymity, you are going about it all wrong. Your comments will compel me to respond, and you are not likely to approve of what I write. Therefore, I strongly suggest if you want to be left alone, you do the same. Clearly, this is just a suggestion, as we all know that neither of you want to be told what to do. If you continue to comment, I can only conclude that you do, indeed, like the publicity. Armed with that knowledge, I will have less restraint in what I write.


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