I have received several phone calls or emails this past few days, from parents reading this blog, posting on ATN’s various listserves, or referred to me by individuals. The common theme in their questions for me centers on “Will he heal? Is there hope?”

One dad said, “Life is no fun … all we do is exist. He eats, sleeps and poops—nothing else.” This dad continued his post by describing all the attempts he and his wife have made to engage his son in life. Music lessons, sports, peer-attended social outings, etc. His son is inappropriate, passive-aggressive, disinterested and self-defeating.

I could have written that post a few years ago. We, too, tried music lessons, soccer, dance, horseback riding, church functions, medications, therapy—you name it, we tried it. I reached the conclusion that for my daughter, life was something to be endured. Considering that our family embraces life wholeheartedly, it was a bitter pill for us to swallow. Nevertheless, try as we might, we could do nothing that would motivate her to view life as desirable, pleasurable, or worth working on to make improvements.

What is the origin of motivation? Wikipedia offers several theories of motivation.

Abraham Maslow's motivational theory, based on his model of the hierarchy of human needs, apparently is the one of the most widely accepted theories.

I have seen references and attended workshops for years that discuss Maslow’s hierarchy in reference to needs that must be met before the next level of “humanness” can be obtained. Wikipedia offers this synopsis:

The theory can be summarized as thus:
• Human beings have wants and desires which influence their behavior; only unsatisfied needs can influence behavior, satisfied needs cannot.
• Since needs are many, they are arranged in order of importance, from the basic to the complex.
• The person advances to the next level of needs only after the lower level need is at least minimally satisfied.
• The further the progress up the hierarchy, the more individuality, humanness and psychological health a person will show.

The needs, listed from basic (lowest, earliest) to most complex (highest, latest) are as follows:

• Physiological
• Safety and security
• Social
• Self esteem
• Self actualization

Many of our children never believe their safety and security is secured. Even when safety is offered, the risk involved in believing it is too great. Our children remain islands unto themselves, trusting no one, believing in no one, having no sense of value, and therefore no motivation to work on a life that harbors (in their mind) no joy or predictability.

I believe there is another theory about motivation and human behavior that factors into the mindset I just mentioned … This theory is also supported by Maslow, for he says, “Psychoanalysis has often demonstrated that the relationship between a conscious desire and the ultimate unconscious aim that underlies it need not be at all direct.” An example of this type of thinking would be in the “accident-prone” child who might subconsciously be trying to hurt himself, rather than just clumsy or ignorant of the safety rules.

Consider this information also provided by Wikipedia:

Psychotherapists point out that some behavior is so automatic that the reasons for it are not available in the individual's conscious mind. Compulsive cigarette smoking is an example. Sometimes maintaining self-esteem is so important and the motive for an activity is so threatening that it is simply not recognized and, in fact, may be disguised or repressed. Rationalization, or "explaining away", is one such disguise, or defense mechanism, as it is called. Another is projecting or attributing one's own faults to others. "I feel I am to blame", becomes "It is her fault; she is selfish".

I am guessing a few of you reading this blog can relate to this phenomenon. I know I can! I also wonder, when I observe kids who choose to spend years “in reverse” and unwilling to work on their own lives, if those kids reach a point where changing is not only incredibly difficult in and of itself, but also would carry with it the additional baggage of acknowledging all those past years wasted and the ultimate fact that it was, all along, the child’s choice to change or not change. Their internal working model becomes so firmly ingrained into their way of doing life that it just gets harder and harder to change.

More thoughts coming on this …

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