The adoption forum discussion boards have a couple of threads going about how to institute tougher parenting methods when one has to backpeddle … meaning a child with attachment issues has been in the home for awhile and enjoying more freedom and choices than are healthy to promote bonding and attachment, so mom and dad have to “regroup” and do things differently. This often means removing privileges already held by the child. Most folks are sure their kids are going to buck and resist, but surprisingly enough, some parents find their kids resist less than expected.


The thing that is most difficult for those on the “outside” to understand is how much happier our kids are with structure. They feel so much safer knowing the adults are in charge and in benign control. Their constant control battles are one test after another to see if we are strong enough, powerful enough, and tuned in enough for them to risk loving us and entrusting their heart to us. Why would they make that monumental leap if the intended receiver was inconsistent, unloving, untrustworthy, or extremely self-serving? Isn’t that what most of our kids experienced initially that precipitated their placement into care?


The key to that tight structure, however, is to be sure and add the “velvet box” along with the “steel lining” of the box. Tight structure complimented by lots of nurture and loving eyes. Nancy Thomas is a master at this, but most of the rest of us fall short.


If you just look at the dynamics of “normal momdom” you realize that moms everywhere, parenting all kinds of kids, have many different approaches, but most have in common at least one thing. When the chips are down and things have to get done, most moms go into “mom mode” where they tell the kid what to do and expect it to get done. Some take a long time to get there; others take only moments … but eventually, even the most nurturing of moms gets serious.


When you are parenting kiddos that give little or no positive feedback, going into “mom mode” is a given, and it happens faster and faster with each interaction. It is a way of disconnecting yourself from the emotional fallout of trying to reach a hard to reach kid. The part of you that wants to be warm and fuzzy with a kid who is trying but who is simply screwing up isn’t there with a kid who never tries to please but always tries to “screw up.”


I recently realized how often I am in “mom mode” with my kid that I love very much, who very much wants to please, and who is basically my only kid to parent at this point. All those factors should make me June Cleaver reincarnate, but I sure am not! I find it too easy to be critical, dismissive, sarcastic or otherwise unloving, and I am CRAZY about this kid! Those negative responses that come too easily are offshoots of a life spent at high speed, trying to do too much, responsible for too many things. I can be much calmer and happier when I have no responsibilities at all! Thank heavens I am not parenting a seriously disturbed kid right now or I would be failing miserably.


Bottom line here, folks, is that we all need to play back the tape of how we sound to our kids, and make adjustments if necessary. What kind of messages are we sending? Are our kids getting the message that we love them, both the lovable and the unlovable ones? Are the unlovable ones getting any positive messages at all? Some would cringe at the term “the unlovable ones” but heck, some are, in my opinion. Some we love because we committed to do so … not because they are lovable.


It is nearly impossible to live with someone who acts unlovingly all the time, and still act lovingly towards that person. It is even more difficult to be responsible for that “unlovable” person … and that is what we find ourselves doing. Don’t let them drag you down to their level … try and rise above the ugliness and let your loving nature triumph. And by all means, be sure your healthy kids get to see a relaxed, loving mom once in awhile ... and I know how incredibly hard that can be to accomplish.

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