Recently a reader left this thought-provoking comment on a previous blog:

I rock my daughter every day, but one of the issues I have trouble with is that there are times when she has been very destructive or very oppositional or whatever and will then say to me, "I need you to rock me," and I know she does need this, but at times I just can't do it at that point because I feel so angry at her. Often she is able to ask to rock before she acts out instead of after, but when she doesn't manage this, she feels very rejected when I can't bring myself to rock her right after. Any ideas on getting past this?

I am, as you all have repeatedly seen, a big proponent of being real and being honest. I don’t think it is fair or appropriate to ignore or deny strong negative feelings that we moms experience as a result of being on the receiving end of our kids’ negative and destructive behaviors. We aren’t saints! We aren’t exempt from our own emotions, bad moods, over-active days, and attachment to property and sentimental items. While we must learn to manage our emotions and to prioritize the value of the self-esteem of our children over the value of property and items, it doesn’t mean we should deny or apologize for the fact that we have these strong feelings.


Perhaps when mom’s emotional state is simply too angry to provide some rocking chair time at that moment, she could give her child a nightgown or other piece of clothing with mom’s smell, and suggest the child sit in the rocking chair and wait until mom is ready, willing and able to join the child. I think it is realistic and fair to tell the child that you love them but are at that moment angry over the behavior. This then gives you a great opportunity to model effective and appropriate handling of anger. If you go kick the dog, you are not modeling a great response, but if you address your anger appropriately and are able to return to the child and be loving, you are being real and demonstrating that we all get angry, but we don’t all act it out destructively. If you rock the child while still exuding anger, you aren’t doing either of you any good, and if you stuff your anger and pretend to be “OK” when you rock the child, you are modeling how to stuff your feelings! Just be sure and send a message that says you “hate the sin but love the sinner.”


One caveat to this ... for kids who live to make you angry, showing them they succeeded is a bad idea. But from this mom's question, it appears her daughter is trying to learn more appropriate responses and the goal is not to simply get mom angry.

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