{{{{Dora}}}}

I feel for Dora, and I understand what her parents are feeling. I think that it is good that she seems to be working through her feelings.

Our four girls received boxes from their former foster homes after they arrived with us. The first thing they did was bury their noses in the stuff and comment on how it smelled like home. Their happiness was near manic over the boxes, but after a little time passed, they would dissolve in to grief and rage, not understanding why. It got to the point that I had my husband grab the boxes and get them out of sight, so we could have some control over when and how they received their belongings. It was SO disruptive to our home for several weeks after they arrived. It seemed like we perpetually had one very "high" child, and three children wailing and gnashing their teeth because "their Cabbage Patch doll didn't come." I was so very relieved when the last box came and we were done with it. To make matters worse, it was Christmas, and Christmas packages were arriving too. The distribution was very inequitable as the children were all in different homes and programs. Again, more wailing and gnashing of teeth. But we explained that this was the last time strangers would ever buy them Christmas gifts. From now on only family and friends who knew them would give them things...things they knew they wanted or needed. They have absorbed this well in time, but oh what a crazy couple of months!

Sorry you've got so much junk going Nancy. Hugs.

You know, I wish I could empathize with Dora's parents, but nothing that Nancy has shared about this child seems in any way disruption-fodder. I feel a great deal of anger at how badly they have handled all of this. I hope that they are feeling miserable. I only wish that their agency could know.

Pat,

Hello!

Our family was under the impression that there was never an acceptable reason to disrupt (dissolve) an adoption. It would be helpful to know what reasons are considered acceptable to adoption professionals. Does anyone out there know?

Amy

IMO as an aparent and educator when a family has been WELL SCREENED and WELL PREPARED and FULLY INFORMED about the child who is coming to them, the only legitimate reason for a disruption is if the child is seen to be a danger to the family or the family a danger to the child. The thing is that if the agency does its job, every family would be well screened, well prepared and fully informed! So disruptions represent a failure of placement professionals, not of families.

Having said that, however, here is a list from awaitingchild.com, which claims to specialize in "replacements"
*Misinformation about the child’s special needs
*Abuse, neglect, drug exposure, mental health issues
*Unrealistic expectations
*Using the child’s response to them as a parent as a gage for their parenting abilities rather than understanding where the child came from and giving him/her time to grieve and adjust
*Poor education and training from the family serving adoption agency
Failing to ask for help or assess resources
*Believing that “Love is All They Need”
Unresolved infertility Issues
A*dopting to “Save a Child” and being disappointed when the child
“doesn’t appreciate what we have done for them”
*Lack of a strong support system or extended family not in support of the adoption
*Issues with other children in the home (parent loyalty issues to birth children or other children who have been in the home longer) The “new” child is taking away from them
*Family with less flexibility and numerous “rules”
*Both adoptive parents are not equally parenting the child or committed to the placement
*One or both of the parents are not willing to compromise the type of lifestyle they had before the new child came home
*Lack of entitlement to the child.
*Financial strain brought on by the addition of a child to the home or sudden changes in the household (loss of employment, moving to a new home, etc.
*Splitting between the two adoptive parents or marital problems arising from how to handle the child’s special needs (one “sees” the problem behaviors while the other does not)
*Family has poor communication and coping skills
*Family has failed to define roles, attach, and integrate as a family.

But doesn't it seem that SCREENING, PREPARATION, and INFORMATION would prevent all of the above?

Pat the Idealist

Pat,

Thank you for answering. If we make an assumption that a family did not receive proper preparation and information. But was screened to within an inch of their life. The child's needs turn out to exceed the family resources. What would that adoption disruption/dissolution process look like? Again, my curiosity is with what adoption professionals have in mind.

Thanks,

Amy the Idealist Too

Wow, sending the child's earthly possessions, shoved any which way into boxes, no note...now that's cold. I guess it could have been worse, they could could have sent the stuff in garbage bags. From your descriptions of her, Nancy, Dora does sound very strong and able to be comforted...hoping she can put these bad years behind her and find happiness and love in her new, permanent home.

Amy, I'm not a social worker or an an adoption placement professional, so I don't know! Perhaps someone is reading over our shoulders and will tell us.

But as an educator, I can tell you that I don't think that most families are properly screened OR educated for children who are likely to have special needs, so I can't even accept your assumption!

Since I was the book's editor and my company published it, I am certainly biased, but I think Deborah Gray's new book Nurturing Adoption: Creating Resilience after Neglect and Trauma offers a pretty good template for what preparation and screening for parents, prep and transition for children should really look like. It rarely does.

Pat

I think that many placement agencies also don't do their job properly in understanding or acknowledging special needs. I know of an international situation where the agency simply didn't believe the international adoption doctor who told the family the kid was almost positively FAS. They continued to refer the child to other families (after one turned down the referral) as perfectly healthy and with outdated medical information despite the warning signs.

I agree Paulukon

::::planting tongue in cheek::::

But Pat.... fewer families would adopt if they knew of all of the problems that could happen with their kids!

::::extracting tongue::::

Informing and equipping prospective adoptive families is never a bad thing. Love Muffin and I would probably still have agreed to parent our RADish and BiPolar children, but we would have been better at it. Everyone would have been better off, especially the kids.

Better education would really help in a lot of cases, but not all.

But honestly, I'd rather see a family disrupt-cold or not-then to leave a child with a family that either didn't want them or couldn't parent them.

And there are families that NEED to disrupt because they've done everything and the family or the child are not making it.

And from talking to many parents who have tried going back to their agencies-many get the "That's never happened before" line and are treated badly rather then offered assistance. I'd like to see that change as well.

Lucy

Pat,

What you've said is really good. Deborah Gray's books are wonderful. Have not yet read the one you're referring to. Our family is pretty much out of the crisis for now. Thankfully.

Our adoption was through the state foster care system. They do a fair job of screening. A class called MAPP is used, which is a good start. Certainly better than what many international adopters receive. You're right, most agencies probably do not screen sufficiently, but I know for certain our family was. Excessively!

The training and preparation is inadequate at best, misleading, fraudulent, and damaging at worst.

This has been an interesting conversation. Thanks for your input.

Amy Sue

I like the MAPP courses, Amy Sue. They've been around for a while. I think I remember that Vera Fahlberg recommended them in A Child's Journey through Placement (PP, 1990). But in Nurturing Adoptions was the first time I had learned of the Adult Attachment Inventory (Mary Main, Nancy Kaplan,and Carol George) which can help both those working with them as well as clients understand their own attachment history and style and how that will likely impact their parenting of various children--with or without attachment challenges. IF used correctly as part of screening, not prep, it seems to me this could help in the process of bringing kids and children together who would mesh better.

PJ

It sounds like a worthwhile read, for sure. Progress is being made, but there is so very far to go.

Some families are more naturally prone to absorb new info and reflect on it, then make necessary changes. Certainly folks who do not have any capacity to do so should be screened out.

That is separate from the idea of parents figuring out how to manage RAD, or the children who are so affected. It is not possible to absorb and reflect on new info during the middle of being twisted right and left. It's the difference between preparing for a big game with diligent practice, and trying to teach a critical, new play during the heat of an intense, high stakes game. The failure to train is really evident, and not recoverable.

That's why coaches get taken to task, and fired. In the game of adoption, everyone loses if parents do not receive proper preparation. It's the children who suffer most, but their families get royally chewed up too. Those families frequently already include minor children, who get damaged too. The agencies are usually long gone by the time a family realizes they need help. Or the staff has changed. Or the family has moved.

MAPP was a really helpful class for our family, though not nearly enough. It is more of a beginning parenting class, and would be great for all new parents, including bio. Unfortunately, it is now being replaced by a less effective, watered down version called "PSMAPP." So that trend is towards less info, not more. Additionally, our state (KS) is passing a significantly larger portion of responsibility to the foster parents. Along with pulling only the most severely abused kids into foster care. So less training, more work and responsibilities, and fewer skills to manage. It's pretty crazy making.

We sure won't solve these problems overnight, but this conversation has been great. Our culture needs to make haste, as the need seems to be getting bigger and bigger.

Sorry for the long winded rant!

Amy

Yeah, that is cold. I am an aspberger and even I wouldn't do that. I would be relieved to not have any contact with Dora if I had been sucking it up trying to live with her but I would put in a note to be kind and tell her that I wished her the best. Did Beth's first family have a nice farewell from her?