I recently received more questions about holding time and when to use it. The reader wanted to know what to do when their child was raging. Is it appropriate to hold a child who melts down after being given a simple request or told “no” for something? Should you hold when the child doesn’t want to be held? (That’s a big question for many people…) The reader also wanted to know if she was busy doing something at bedtime and daddy was putting the child to bed, and the child became hysterical and was crying for mommy, should they practice holding time then?


Let me start with bedtime rituals. In my opinion, bedtime should be some pretty special mommy/child time. There should be a routine followed every night that includes some significant one-on-one time and preferably some rocking or cuddling every night. The same chair that serves as the holding time chair can be a retreat when things are fine and mom and child just want to snuggle. This was how I approached it with Beth. To this day we spend time in the chair together every night before bed, and she will soon be ten. (In fact, in the chair tonight we had the most heartbreaking and cathartic and eye-opening session about school issues, watch for that blog tomorrow.)


In my previous post, What does therapeutic attachment parenting look like? I answer some of those questions. When Beth first joined us, I used holding time any time Beth didn’t comply or started to melt down. I don’t think the child should choose whether or not they are held…any more than they should choose whether or not they get vaccinated. If they are melting down, they need help getting re-regulated. This need for mommy to help regulate goes back to the infant attachment cycle. I’ll get into that in the next installment.

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