My story about my experiences with the school system and how school experiences intertwine with previous losses and attachment issues will be continued on the Adopting a Sibling blog, so please go here if you want to read more about that.


Back to holding time… In my opinion, to really understand what holding a child is about, it is best to start by looking at the attachment and bonding cycle. Here is one of the slides from my RAD 101 presentation.


The infant has a need…and he cries to get the attention of the adults. In a perfect world, someone comes (hopefully the same one or two someones…) and responds to the child’s needs in a safe, nurturing and empathetic manner. The child learns several things. He learns he has some responsibility for getting his needs met, in terms of making those needs known. He learns adults can be trusted to meet his needs in a timely and nurturing manner. He learns things just plain get better when mommy (or daddy) appears, and they meet his needs even though he is angry and crying. He learns the world is basically a safe place, and being vulnerable to someone else is not a liability.


How many times have you seen a mom scoop up an infant or toddler who is “melting down”? Quite often the child escalates before calming down. He arches his back, flails his arms and cries louder. Soon, however, he gives in to the comfort offered by his mom, and he snuggles and relaxes into her. He’s safe…she’s there. His wound or whatever threatened him is manageable with her support.


Our kids have big wounds. They have faced real threats. They have much to fear. We wish it were not so, but it is. They need us to scoop them up, retreat to a safe place, and calm their fears. But what if intimacy with us is one of those fears? How, then, do they find that safe place in their mom’s arms?


To be continued...