Before I discuss Katherine Leslie’s views about parent/child relationships, I want to share with you another relationship in my life that is “problematic”.


Ever since I was a child, my relationship with my brother has been, shall we say, challenging? He teased me mercilessly, and I frankly don’t remember too many perks to go with the liabilities. It wasn’t where he teased me a lot but was emotionally available to me and supportive as well; rather, our interactions were essentially adversarial as I always remember being teased and teased and teased. I clearly remember admiring my best friend's terrific relationship with her older brother and wishing I had the same experience.


My mom was an only child and had no frame of reference for sibling relationships. She often asked my dad for advice; he was one of six. Unfortunately, he didn't have good sibling relationships either, and my mom recently commented that no matter how many overtures his adult siblings made towards my dad, he wasn't too interested in changing. I would be hard pressed to name all five of my aunts and uncles in birth order.


I quit trying to build much of a positive relationship with my brother in childhood but instead focused on the hope that we could do better as adults. We grew up, did our own thing, married and led very different lives. He married late, had no kids, and they have no pets. Of course, that has not been my trajectory!


Other than Christmas and occasional birthday cards, he has initiated no contact merely for the sake of relationship. We would see them when we traveled to their neck of the woods, or when my folks initiated a get-together, but they rarely came to our home, in spite of repeated invitations. I love his wife, and up until a few months ago, I would not have classified my current relationship with my brother as adversarial … just not really much of a relationship at all.


I mentioned in this post how my last visit with my brother in late February did not go well. In fact, it went so poorly I ended my trip early and spent my last night in a hotel. In the dialog that followed (between my brother and my husband), my brother mentioned some incident from 25 years ago! I can barely keep ahead of what is in the here-and-now, much less dwell on happenings of a quarter of a century ago.


However, that comment shed light onto what I couldn’t understand otherwise. It seemed to me that I was “in trouble” from the get-go, and I had no idea what I had done to make him angry. I realize now it was a perception from way back when. I am assertive, have always been assertive, and he doesn’t like that much. My assertiveness translates into aggressiveness for him, and that is a deal-breaker.


While I am sad that our poor relationship has reached new depths, it really has more to do with mourning the loss of what I had hoped to achieve, rather than mourning the loss of what I already had … We didn’t have much of a relationship to start with. He’s my brother, and I love him. That’s a fact. But was he an integral part of my life before last February? Did I eagerly look forward to sharing exciting news with him? Or would I consider him to be a source of comfort if I needed it? The answer to all these questions is no.


My mom is pushing me to “apologize”. I truly am not sure what my “sins” were that require an apology. My husband and I discussed “apologizing” for my parents’ sake. To me, that feels exactly like “looking for that switch on Amy that I haven’t yet found” for my Dad’s sake. At this point in my life, I’m past "doing relationships" for other people.


If I were to make overtures towards my brother that didn’t feel honest or real to me, what would be the goal? To create a relationship? I don’t think his perception of me will change. I don’t have any intention of being adversarial. I don’t have any need to disparage him. In inevitable future interactions as we deal with my aging parents, my husband will do the talking and I will be civil. I just have no intention of seeking him out, staying under the same roof, or trying to make something out of nothing. If I haven’t been successful after all these years, why should I continue to beat this horse?


It reminds me of what one of Amy’s many therapists said to me … “You have been doing this for how long? (Speaking of trying to impact Amy …) And it isn’t working? So why are you still doing it?”


If I have learned anything from my Amy experience, it is that relationships are a two-way street. I can no more “fix” my relationship with my brother by myself than I can “fix” my relationship with Amy. It's not about wanting it to be better. It is just about the limitations of one person.


Adult Sibling Rivalry

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