Recently there were some comments on a past blog addressing the issue of having expectations for our attachment-affected children. One reader commented on my “continued intolerance of (Amy) as a person. You continue to want her to be who you want her to be, not who she IS!”


Another reader recognized the value of having at least minimal expectations of Amy. It is upon that thought I would like to expound…


As my husband and I slogged through the years trying to have an impact on Amy, we lowered our expectations again, and again, and again. In the beginning, we assumed she would reciprocate family relationships, internalize family values, somewhere along the way come to appreciate some of the perks (physical and emotional) that were provided to her throughout her childhood, go to college, pick up the reins of her life and generally be more of an asset than a liability.


Eventually we felt blessed if she bathed, was neutral and not nasty in family gatherings, was promoted to the next grade, and at least occasionally replaced her perpetual pouty face with something more desirable.


To expect less than that would be a clear, nonverbal message that she was not capable of anything more. To expect she be allowed to continue to live rent-free indefinitely even while she is nasty and disrespectful to the folks paying the rent… I don’t think so. She doesn’t have any standards for herself. She doesn’t believe she is worth the dirt she walks on. I can’t make her feel good about herself. But I can send messages that I think she is worth more than dirt by expecting her to behave as if she is. Reasonable expectations send messages of competence and value to kids who feel incompetent and worthless… even if they don’t rise to the expectations. If you meet them at their level, you devalue them. Don't sell them short, and don't compromise way below what is reasonable and fair for the entire family.

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