In this post I wrote about the National Center on Fathering, and I received this comment from Brad in response:

3 out of 4 of my adoptive children (a domestic sibling group) have left home and basically "returned" to the birthfather and have "written me off". It is very hard to listen to things like the sermon you mention and be hopeful. Yes, I probably should, but it is hard to stay positive when the direction, currently in motion, is very negative for me.


It isn't that I mind the relationship with their birthfather. I even facilitated finding him and I expected it. What I hate is the ignoring of my wife and I.

I’m not sure why, but this comment really smacked me between the eyes.


Everyone knows it is human nature to relate to that which impacts you directly. I had a rude awakening about that just recently when I messed up my back and found I could hardly stand or walk. My husband has had this issue, and I don’t think I was nearly sympathetic enough. But when I was experiencing it … it took on a whole new dimension.


I’m a mom, obviously. I relate to things as a mom. And we all know that moms, by and large, take the biggest hits from attachment-challenged kids. But dads get grief, too. And Brad’s comment reminded me that the pain dads feel is just as real and just as heartbreaking as the pain that moms feel.


The “RAD Dad” article I wrote a couple of years ago appeared in one of ATN’s newsletters. I mentioned in my last post about one particular dad who sat in my living room and cried. He was so destroyed by the experiences of his family. And he is such a neat guy, and so loving, and his intentions were so good. Just like most of the moms I have encountered ... loving, wounded souls.


Here are some of his words:

When my wife and I agreed to adopt 5-1/2 year old Romanian boy/girl twins it was with the same love and logic that we developed during the parenting of our 7 year old biological boy/girl twins. I absolutely love being a dad. Our biological children are an enormous delight to me… I always knew that the human heart had ability to love, but I never knew the enormous capacity I had to love until I became a father. Our experience in parenting was the driving force behind our decision to adopt. We knew that our heart, already overflowing with love, had capacity to love even more. And we were ready to invest that love in 2 additional children.


What a shock it was when we tried to extend the same love for our biological twins to a pair of 5-1/2 year old Romanian orphans abandoned at birth. Love can always be extended, but in some cases it is neither received nor returned. Although my adopted twins need my love desperately, they reject it implicitly. They even go so far as to do everything in their power to thumb their nose at my efforts. Everything about parenting my adopted children stands in stark contrast to the experience of parenting my biological kids. Love, instruction, grace and empathy are sown daily only to reap a never ending harvest of hatred, violence and deceit.

Ultimately this adoption disrupted. I often think of this family. I can still see this man sitting on my couch. And that is significant, because over the years, lots of people have sat on my couch. But he so touched me.


I think it is for this reason that I was so impacted by Brad’s comment. I know there are hurting dads out there. And you have my utmost respect, just as your hurting wives do. I can more relate to your wives … but the pain of working so hard to connect with a child (or children) only to have them return to abusive or abandoning parents … or to deny your efforts or love … that pain isn't gender-related, is it?


Deborah Hannah emailed me recently and said “I have made peace with much of what has happened”. (See this post if you need a refresher.) I told her she was a stronger woman than I. I’m not sure I’ll ever be peaceful about all my experiences.


And on that note, I must add that Tommy just called me and apologized for not calling me on Mother’s Day. How cool is that? (He reads my blog… that’s how he knew I was "bugged" about it!)


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