In between working pretty much non-stop on my son’s wedding video, we finally got our horses moved to our property. We had the concrete poured in the tack room, and being the brain-fried Einstein that I am, I started to walk in the tack room last night! Yikes! I stopped, but not before I “smudged” the floor. Oh well, in the scheme of things, no big deal, right? When I put a nice Arabian horse or Border collie rug right inside the door, no one will know. My tough kids have sure taught me what to stress over and what to dismiss! Our property is so pretty and peaceful; I can’t wait to join the horses out there.


I have received several specific questions about addressing behaviors, so I thought I’d start answering those. The first one is about kids purposefully acting stupid. Oh, this is such a classic attachment behavior!


Here is how one mom described it:

My son will do things and say things that he knows are wrong and act like he doesn't know, when we all know he knows. He is very smart.

Amy did this ad nauseum, as did Tommy. And Beth did in the beginning over lots of things, and to this day she will still play games over schoolwork. In Beth’s case, as attached as she is, I still think it has a trust/control component to it… although it really throws me for a loop in such an otherwise healthy kid.


Here are some responses I found that worked best for this behavior:


• First line of defense—avoid asking questions if at all possible. That decreases the situations where you give your child the power to manipulate the answer. This applies to kids who chronically lie as well. Don’t say, “Did you hang up your jacket?” and then be surprised when the jacket is still on the floor or the kids says, “What jacket?” If your child is playing this game, talk less. This often translates into far fewer choices for your child… but you didn’t make up the rules, they did.


• Answer dumb questions or dumb answers with other dumb answers! My friend Lucy is outstanding at this! I still do this with Beth when she is asking me to think for her so she doesn’t have to think for herself. One of my favorite auto-responses was “horse poop!” That might be my answer to any number of questions. In the beginning I tried to at least have a subject and verb, but by the end I was just stringing words together… about 8 or so… whatever came out of my mouth. It was fun! Of course, you do this with a wink and a smile, not sarcastically.


• Predict the behavior. “Honey, please bring me the rake, but first bring me five other tools and pretend you don’t know what a rake is…. Good job! Thanks for doing it mom’s way!!” This takes the power out of the child's oppositional behavior.


• Kids that are “so tired” they can’t think about the most basic things might benefit from a quick nap… so they can lie down at your feet (keeping them close) or perhaps do some strong sitting to open up their mind. Or you can keep them guessing about your response and add in some mini-tramp time, some jumping jacks, a quick run around the house. Do it all with a smile, with empathy that their brain is so sluggish…. You can really shock them if you pop a piece of candy in their mouth in response to their opposition… and then, of course, you might want them to lie down or run around (after they finish their candy) or not…


Whatever combination you use, keep them wondering what you are going to do, rather than you wondering what they are going to do. You need to be PROACTIVE, not REACTIVE.