I am saddened this morning… I had a mom request information about Nancy Thomas camps. I think Nancy does amazing work, so I was happy to provide more information.
Her children’s therapist had recommended that this family attend a Nancy Thomas camp. This mom was doing her homework and asked if anyone had been to one of the camps. I arranged for two families who had attended to email her. I don’t know if they had a chance to communicate with her or not, but on the message board where the mom initially posted the question there were 8-10 negative responses about how “punitive” those camps are and how they should not be used with “our” children. To the best of my knowledge, none of those folks had attended camp.
This mom has more than one difficult child. Theoretically she trusts her therapist or presumably they wouldn’t be using this therapist. The therapist sees the family and made a recommendation that would presumably have more weight than folks in cyberspace who have never met the mom, much less the kids.
On the same message board, there was another post about two children struggling in school. The mom had noted that her girls ended up with one of two types of teachers… the kind who “tear up” when told the girls’ story and who determines to “make a project” out of the girls, and the battle-axe, old school type in whose room the girls do just fine. In fact, according to this mom, they thrive.
(Side bar here… even the battle-axe kind can get waylaid. We specifically requested such a teacher for Amy in second grade. Our daughter had this teacher wrapped around her finger… and this was the same teacher that other parents hated because she did “awful” things like dumping a messy child’s desk. This is also the teacher who told me Amy was “not bought into learning yet” but I should give her time. Amy just quit high school 3 weeks short of graduation. Did I give her enough time?)
Anyway, the message seems to be that structure and predictability are OK in a school setting but not OK in a family setting. I am saddened for this family and these girls that they let folks who don’t know what they are recommending against turn them away from a fabulous experience that might just have been the ticket to healing that their daughters need.
I certainly understand how important it is to reach out to parents who are in the trenches with their RAD kids and need some assistance (and respite) from the daily demands of parenting them. I am at such a low point with my 14 year-old RAD that I would gladly send her to anyone who could offer me some support and understanding.
I am so very tired of dealing with the school sysem, of listening to her yell in my face every single day, of so-called helpful suggestions from neighbors who don’t have a clue what this kid is about, and of trying in vain to get any kind of help from mental health that could help her and us. I’m new to this blog and don’t know the history of your Amy. I’m ready to dissolve this adoption today and don’t quite know where to go from here. I’m open to suggestions.
I am adopted from China as well as my little sister even though we are not blood related. She is 14 and has RAD as well. My mother suffers so much from her rage, and I feel lost as well. I hope you didn’t dissolve the adoption though. Love is hard, but I would never send my sister back to China even if it could save my mother her sadness and anger.
Lindy, I have resources to offer you. I can’t write much now but I will respond to you one way or the other very soon. Hang on for another day or two… I SO understand your plight.
You can learn about my Amy by reading “My Family” category in this blog or go to http://www.radzebra.org and go to Support–Our Stories. I need to update it but it will give you the gist. She put me through the mill… so I COMPLETELY get your situation… no matter what kind of kid you are living with…
Email me privately if you like and let’s assess what help you need… nancy@radzebra.org
This entry saddens me as well. Some of the very best training we received in our pre-adoption classes were books and tapes by Nancy Thomas. To be honest, the things we learned through her work, are really some of the only things that have proven true and which work with our four adopted daughters. It amazes me how miserable they are when you give them any freedom, and how happy they are when you rein them in tight, and monitor their every move. I find myself looking over the camp opportunity and wishing it was something we could afford to take advantage of. I am sure it would be life changing for any family who had the chance to attend. And by the way, I wonder how anyone lives with these children and manages to maintain life, limb, and sanity without adopting some of these so called “punitive” methods? Can it really be done? I’m not being sarcastic…I really want to know!
Lindy, living with full blown RAD would leave anyone tired and depressed. Nancy will have a number of ideas, anything that allows you to feel less a passenger, and more effective as a parent will make life better. You didn’t get to this point by bad parenting, but being in a situation where traditional parenting just doesn’t work.
One of my sons with RAD had to be placed in an RTC at 13. All parents were required to take a class in ‘parenting extremely oppositional children’. What a difference, finally I had techiques that worked, and I felt more confident. None of the ideas they presented were intuitive, they had to be learned. New thoughts, services and ideas are avalible. Hang in there.
John