One of my readers (although she says she’s now an ex-reader) recently posted a comment that I have been mulling over this morning. She said,

“If you read of Amy's history, including her life before Nancy and her genetics, to say that she chooses anything is ridiculous. She says I know what to do I just don't want to do it. Do you hear the FEAR in that statement? Probably not. I do.”

If I am reading this correctly, this statement takes the fatalistic view that we have no free will, but rather are simply products of our genetics and our fears. No one should ever go to therapy, because therapy is about addressing fears and issues and roadblocks in our lives, and it is no problem for us to shower everyone else in our environment with our baggage if we are paralyzed by our fears.


Based on this premise, when a child is bitten by a dog or bucked off a horse, all those age-old adages about “get right back on” are useless and incorrect—if the child never rides another horse, that is fine. Why insist that child address those fears? If fear of dogs or fear of horses interferes with that child’s ability to visit friends who own dogs, or ever enjoy the presence of a horse, that isn’t the child’s problem, right? After all, he’s afraid!


Someone with agoraphobia who can’t leave their home to get groceries is perfectly entitled to impose on neighbors, family and friends to do all their errands for them, and no one that loves that person would dare suggest their life might be so much better if they simply mustered the courage to walk out the front door. I get it that walking out the front door might be incredibly, incredibly difficult. But to say it isn't the responsibility of the affected person to make the effort ...?


I get it that Amy’s life is driven by fear. I get it far too well. And there has never been a message sent that defined how to address those fears, or what time frame to do it in. But to REFUSE to even consider addressing those fears … that is something else again. The world is full of folks who consider it the rest of the world’s problem to deal with that individual’s baggage. I don’t buy it. We are responsible for how our behavior impacts those around us. Amy has had ample opportunity in a myriad of ways to take the tiniest of steps to address her baggage, and she refuses—yes CHOOSES—to not do so. I understand it is very scary. I understand it would open up Pandora ’s Box and require her to address feelings she has successfully avoided for nearly two decades. But it is a choice and it is hers to make and if she doesn’t, it is our choice to not carry her life burdens any longer.


Perhaps not coincidentally, just as I was finishing this post, I received an email from a school counselor who was one of a very few folks who instantly pegged Amy and her behaviors. This counselor is in Illinois, and she asked to be kept updated about Amy's progress, or lack thereof. So I emailed her the latest. This was her response that hit my Inbox just as I was writing this post:

Amy most certainly needs to choose a better path. It blows me away that she did not graduate from HS. Here's hoping she realizes that without the high school diploma there is a dismal future. Perhaps more reality will help wake her up. Hang in there, you and your husband did everything in your power to love, nurture, support and guide her in the right direction. Now, she has to deal with the reality of her mistakes as a young adult. It's time to pick herself up and grow up.

I couldn't agree more (note she used that word choose), and I couldn't be more appreciative of the counselor's words, either.

Fear Paralysis Reflex

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