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Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog

04/27/07

No pomp and lots of circumstances

Posted by : Nancy Spoolstra in Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog at 08:00 am , 556 words, 79 views  
Categories: Ages and Stages, Teenagers
grad capI received a call from the high school guidance counselor who has been working with Amy this past year. I have thought several times about calling her, but have resisted the temptation. Because I can see online the status of Amy’s grades and attendance at school, I have known for a couple of weeks that things were going south. I debated calling the counselor, but what would I say? What could I possibly say or do that would change anything? The counselor already thinks negatively about me… I have gotten the vibes. She “sort of” gets why we emancipated Amy… but I have no doubt she also thinks we should have stuck it out however long it took Amy to get her high school diploma. No thanks… I’m glad we didn’t. What is happening now is further evidence of how unmotivated Amy is to get that diploma.


The high school prom was the very end of March. About ten days before prom, we learned Amy was going. I don’t remember exactly what she said, but both my husband and I suddenly had an epiphany. It seemed quite clear to us that Amy signing herself up for school this spring had much to do with her desire to go to the prom. It had never occurred to us that attending the prom might be the motivator. We hoped we were wrong…

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Apparently we were not wrong. Her attendance tanked immediately after prom weekend. She has turned in almost no homework since that time. She has solid F’s in all three classes this quarter.


You know, I have lived with this person for a very long time, and there is still no part of me that gets this. I can’t imagine having put out the effort she put out from January to March, simply to go to one dance that apparently was quite anticlimactic. (She didn’t get that prom was really about the relationships around the event… not the event itself. And since she is very relationship-poor… she did not have much fun from what we heard.) Amy’s grades, when she does the work, are quite good. IF she could motivate herself for one more month, she could pull this out of the fire. She could get that diploma. But it appears she isn’t going to do that.


I called her place of employment today and confirmed she showed up at work. So she isn’t “missing in action” in general as her counselor worried. She's just “missing in action” at school. Her one school friend told our foreign exchange student that Amy was "sleeping in" (in response to Julie's question about Amy's whereabouts) and then the friend bolted. Amy doesn’t answer calls from the counselor. Now there’s a surprise.


When Kyle and Maria asked Amy if she was going to graduate (so they could make plans to attend) she answered “I don’t know.” I think she was still hoping for one of those countless miracles she has been hoping for her entire life… that somehow, someone would fix this for her. Sadly, no miracle will occur.


It is not a fait acompli yet... but I sure won't be holding my breath.


Here's a great article admonishing parents NOT to be the "homework police".


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Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Julie [Member] Email · http://special-needs.adoptionblogs.com/
This article is very timely for me. KayKay has three grades that need to come up in the next four weeks (or she, too, will have some less-than-passing grades).

I am trying not to internally stress about it, while giving her plenty of "opportunities" to do the work (i.e. no social events or TV). Not exactly sure why she's having so much problem...much is because she's trying to skate by on her intellect, without in-depth studying required for higher level classes.

It's going to be hard to watch her learn the lesson the hard way (and risk her ability to get scholarships, etc.)...but better now than college!

It even happens with biological honor students, but the article's right...IT'S NOT MY CONTRACT!
PermalinkPermalink 04/27/07 @ 08:30
Comment from: Nancy Cozadd [Member] Email
Among the natural consequences that our Tony has had is the loss of financial support. This former straight A student does just enough to get by. It is his way of proving that HE has the power and control. He managed to squeak by enough to graduate from high school (in another city) with a 1.74. Hey, at least he graduated, right?

Well, he flunked his first year of college.... gone went the PELL grant, his insurance coverage under our policy, and a whole host of other stuff. He has managed to bring his grades up high enough (somewhere under 2.0) where he thinks that he will get his grant back next year. But he owes oodles of money to the school this year. His parents won't cough it up, even if we had it, because that would be taking away the natural consequences of his choices. Not to mention taking what little financial aid we can afford away from the sibling who has worked her keester off to heal and follow her dreams. So now Tony discovers the "wonderful" world of the student loan! He almost choked when he found out what the total out of pocket will be for it.

But, unlike your Amy, Tony cannot keep a job. He hates the lack of control, and having to follow someone else's rules.

Do you think that Amy might go for her GED, in the absense of a high school diploma?
PermalinkPermalink 04/27/07 @ 12:39
Comment from: John [Member] Email
Nancy, you are so right. There is no way to control your child into doing school so that they graduate. In this country, you can always go back for a GED or an AA degree, if the mood finally strikes. Trying to continue to control just seems to provoke an even greater negative response, and no improvement in grades. By the time they are 16, it is up to the child. John
PermalinkPermalink 04/27/07 @ 23:05
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