No Pressure

I haven’t gotten many comments on my posts lately, so maybe my “Amy” blogs are getting to be a bit of a drag? But then again, the comments I AM getting say, “Keep ‘em coming!”

For many, many years, reaching this child has consumed me. Now that we are very much in the homestretch, I am consumed by the sad and inevitable ending. It is hard to think of much else. And frankly, so many other things in my life are going so well, Amy is the only thorn in my side right now.

But what a thorn. More like a tree trunk. I know I should let go, but how does one let go of all those lost hopes and dreams, of all those fears for her future?

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Now that she thinks we don’t have a real handle on her comings and goings, she has taken to outright lying rather than just “fudging” or “omitting”. No surprise, really, but being overtly lied to without a second thought really sends that devaluing, distancing message. Actually, I have no doubt she has outright lied to me all her life… it is just no longer something I expect to change. And her boldness about it says the same thing… she doesn’t plan to change…

The plan this summer is to do what many folks think we aren’t doing, or doing correctly, anyway. We are being told, “She isn’t successful because your expectations are too high. You pressure her too much. You should just encourage and support her.” She says she doesn’t want to do anything she was “pressured into doing.” (Like enter the Navy.) So we aren’t pressuring. My husband went next door and essentially stated we knew about her two latest bold-faced lies. He gave her a copy of the email from her school counselor stating Amy’s options for completing last semester’s courses and starting her summer courses. And that was all. No raised voices, no pressure. She gets her rent paid, she gets “support” from the family, and she is free to make it happen—or not. Sean commented today that “you can give love to someone, but they have to receive it!” I burst into tears.

When it comes time to move on, she will, one way or the other. And she will have had every opportunity to make good choices about it—or not.

To end (for a change) on a positive note, Beth heads off to Western horse camp tomorrow. Stephanie is making the four hour drive with me, and I am really looking forward to spending time with her.

Last night when Beth snuggled up in the chair with me, she said, “I feel so safe and comfortable in my mommy’s arms.” Thank you, God, for bringing her to me.

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