Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD Blog - Nothing in life is free

01/17/08

Nothing in life is free

Posted by : Nancy Spoolstra in Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog at 10:35 am , 691 words, 853 views
Categories: Problem Behaviors

A few days ago, the public elementary school that Dora attends hosted its quarterly skating party. Beth loves to attend, for it provides an opportunity for her to see her old classmates. However, as we hopped in the car to pick Dora up at school and head to the skating rink, Beth commented on how “homeschooling is where (she) should be!” She and I both love this new arrangement. It has exceeded our expectations.

But this blog isn’t about homeschooling. It is about a conversation I had with my neighbor whose kids were also at the skating party. This neighbor has a daughter Beth’s age, and a son Dora’s age. Last year, my friend’s daughter and Beth did a project together at my neighbor’s house. This year, my neighbor’s son and Dora have the same project to accomplish. I asked my neighbor if she wanted to collaborate again.

She replied that her son was a completely different deal than her daughter. Apparently, he doesn’t care too much about academics; in fact, he’s less than concerned about several things his mom thinks are important. She told me how she sat him down recently and said, “If you don’t want to be a member of this family, you need to tell me all the errands you are going to do on your behalf, and how you are going to do them. You can explain to me how you plan to advocate for yourself at all your IEP meetings, because I won’t be doing that anymore. You can plan on doing your own laundry and fixing your meals. If, however, you choose to be a part of this family, you will act accordingly. What’s it going to be?”

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She said his eyes became quite large, and he immediately did as he was told. Periodically, she finds herself reminding him of his options.

I thought this was an interesting conversation, because this was the crux of the post I wrote a few days ago about “in or out of the family?” My neighbor’s son is biological. He has only been in her family. However, she still recognizes that participating in family functioning and family activities is a choice.

In Dora’s case, clearly we are not the only family she has had. No one is demanding that she profess love where there isn’t any yet; we are, however, expecting effort in terms of family functioning. Nothing in the world is free. I recently learned of a dog-training program I had never heard of before—Nothing in life is free. If it is reasonable to expect my Border collie to figure this out, is it not reasonable for a child to learn this basic concept? Especially a highly intelligent child who will clearly state her understanding of what is expected, and then follow it with her unwillingness to do the work required?

By the way, I believe Amy is learning on a daily basis that nothing in life is free. While she might still be benefiting from the generosity of others, there are consequences to being indigent. I hope it wasn’t as much a shock for her as I expect it was. Lord knows I tried to demonstrate and explain that concept repeatedly. I fervently hoped to derail some of the pitfalls I foresaw in her future ... but it was not to be.

I can hear some of the comments now … LOVE is free. (We should just LOVE the kids well ...!) Yes, it is. Unconditional love is free. (Many would argue that Jesus was the only one successful in truly unconditional love. The rest of us mere humans still need something back to really be able to give unconditionally. Not necessarily love in return, but some kind of benefit to us.) But when our kids venture forth from our homes, most folks aren’t going to unconditionally love them … If they are to lead successful and contributory lives, our children will have to learn how to give back in some meaningful way. Otherwise, they will only be users and abusers.

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24 comments

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Comment from: lucy [Member]

Hmm, have to think on this one. Not sure I needed my kids to give anything back-nice when they do, but not a need. I did, however, for their sake, consider it vitally important for them to learn to give back so they could from healthy relationships later on. And, while some of my kids live lives that shock me, they do try to give back to people they care about. Hoping maturity will help their other choices.

I did just have this users and abusers conversation with my 16 year old after his second recent run in with the law. He has an instant gratification thinking error and currently does NOT see a need to give but feels entitled to take. Without change, jail is in his future. He's got so much good stuff under inside and I'd hate to see him waste it.

Lucy

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 10:53

Comment from: bluestocking [Member]

There's a difference: a child is not a border collie. You don't (or at least, shouldn't) raise a kid like you train a puppy. You don't give a kid away as easily as you would give away a puppy if his behavior became unmanageable or he turned vicious. Human beings are infinitely more complex and valuable than that.

I do have a major problem with your friend's language, if not her approach. Being a part of a family is something that just is, something that's a fact of life. The relationships in that family take work, sure, and sometimes they are good and sometimes they are bad. If something isn't working right, you go to therapy or you have a family meeting or you discipline the child by taking away a privilege or grounding him or take some other appropriate action. Sometimes the child is estranged from the family. But the child is ALWAYS a son or a daughter and a member of your family. In my estimation it is wrong to imply that the child will not be loved by you or part of your family if he fails to do something your way or values something less than his mother does. A child should never, ever be led to think that his position as his mother's son or daughter is so tenuous. Children, both biological and adoptive, ARE entitled to unconditional love from their parents. If you ever start holding the threat that you won't love them anymore or might send them away if they don't do this or this or this or if they're sulky and not fun to be around or don't give back enough, etc., I think there's something askew.

I don't think your friend was wrong at all to remind her son of all the things she does to help him or to insist that he put some effort into school or she might stop doing those things. That's letting the kid experience the natural consequences of his own actions and maybe to start to value school for his own sake instead of for his mother's, which really should be her ultimate goal. I DO object to the hint of emotional blackmail that I saw there (and I could be completely wrong about her intent.) And I could be completely wrong about that. Hopefully her son knows that his mom adores him even when he screws up and doesn't judge his worth as a human being based on how she feels about what he's done or hasn't done in school.

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 11:26

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

Remember, "getting something back" doesn't necessarily mean the child is knowingly and willingly giving what you are getting. It means you have some sense of purpose or satisfaction or pleasure in doing what you are doing. We all start that way with our kids... it can be hard to maintain that as the sole motivator after years and years of all give and no get.

I heard it said once that God made babies to smile at about 3 months of age so moms would continue to get up in the middle of the night. That was what they needed to keep giving. Many moms of tough kids give and give and give and give and they get nothing back for years and years. Most humans are not equipped to do that indefinitely.

As for my friend and her son, he is loved very much, he knows it, and there was not a conditional message delivered. Once again, I didn't adequately convey how it came down... but the point was, he needed to work WITH the family, not against it. And I completely understand that kids are not Border collies ... I knew I would catch it for making any analogy between kids and dogs. But the fact is, there are some basic rules of engagement that EVERYONE needs to know to maximize their chances of successfully coexisting with other live creatures of many kinds ...

I still maintain that successful relationships are based upon each party getting some need met in the relationship. Even co-dependent relationships fit that criteria.

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 11:28

Comment from: bluestocking [Member]

I'm sure it is brutally hard, especially with the sort of kids you've been raising. But then again, you and other parents CHOSE to bring a child into the world or to take on adoptive or foster kids and to love them and to raise them to the best of your ability. The children haven't chosen to be born or to be put up for adoption anymore than you chose to be born to your parents. Kids don't choose to have a disability or an attachment disorder or a mental illness. I've done some research on current attachment therapy methods and I liked what one site, one started by one Daniel Hughes, said. He said the parent should keep in mind that the child is doing the best he can with what he has, given what has happened to him or her, and that opportunities for fun and pleasure and laughter should be supplied unconditionally ever day, regardless of the child's behavior. That seems like an approach -- one that is apparently having some success -- that takes into account the child's humanity. Some of the other methods I read about seem a bit more problematic.

I think having that rock solid certainty that you belong to a family, no matter what, is essential to a healthy ego and probably to a child growing up to be able to have his own healthy family. If the child believes on any level that his family isn't "forever," how is he or she going to feel deep down at the core? You're entirely right that out in the world they're not going to be loved unconditionally. But "home" should not be "out in the world." It should be the one place where you are loved just because. I had that. You probably had that. Hopefully your friend's kids have that and your kids will have that.

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 11:51

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

Very good thoughts, bluestocking, and I had just signed on to add one more thought to my previous comment. Unconditional regard is due every child ... and every human being. The dirty, homeless beggar on the street and the snarky kid in your home. But unconditional love, that's harder to accomplish. In spite of years of great difficulty, I do love Amy. That's the problem. I care deeply and it hurts to see the choices she makes. But she knows we love her, and we developed that love for her in spite of her best efforts to thwart it. Most of the parents who contact me love their kids. Not all. Love is a relationship, and it really does take something coming back to cement it.

The vast majority of parents that end up with RAD kids did not expect a loveless relationship. Very few folks enter into any kind of relationship expecting all the effort and benefit to go only one way. In scientific terms, that is called a parasitic arrangement, where only one party benefits. Parents enter into relationships with known troubled kids because the parents want to make a difference for that kid, and/or they feel the mere act of trying will be enough to fill the parent's tank. But down deep, that parent believes their effort will pay off and the child will benefit. If the child adamantly refuses to accept what is offered, the parent will have to trudge forward with only a slim hope that their efforts will show any discernible benefit. And a child who has never learned to absorb anything will not make a sterling community member.

There is a difference between "positive regard" and "unconditional love." No child should be in a family where they are not shown positive regard. But there are many families that include very disturbed kids where the unconditional love meter is struggling.

One final thought: positive regard does not include an absence of responsibility. In fact, it includes the message that the child is capable of being responsible. It is demeaning to assume a "wounded" child is not capable. I totally agree with Dan Hughes that you must meet the child where they are at ... but that doesn't mean you don't ask the child to stretch and grow.

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 12:48

Comment from: eastern girl [Member]

I work primarily at an "Adult" high school; adult in name only for most of my students, who are generally drop-outs or have been expelled from public schools and are now over 18, so the public schools don't have to take them back. Although the adult ed school is public, we don't have to take them either; they have to show responsibility and a willingness to do something to help themselves or we can kick them out.
Our biggest problem with these pseudo-adults is that they don't see much of a connection between how they treat people and other people's reactions to them. Why did he get a bad grade? Well, the teacher didn't tell him about the test, although the other students knew about it. Or she hates him, because he;s poor/black/Hispanic/white/Asian and it isn't because he disrupts her class every day and cursed her out that time. I've had several students tell me that they "deserve" a good grade because..........and they can never give a reasonable answer to why someone with poor work deserves a good grade. The fact is, most of them have been give a TON of help in various forms, but the key ingredient, reciprocity, is missing. They demand all sorts of services as their right but have no notion of giving back or even helping themselves. I've had a few over the years indignantly demand this or that because "I'm paying your salary!" When I pointed out that taxpayers, you know, those with jobs, are actually paying my salary, I got quite interesting responses.
In my opinion, these kids don't need anyone telling them AGAIN how wonderful they are, just as they are. They take it to mean that anything bad that happens to them isn't their fault, it's someone else's.
None of us teachers know what to do about this attitude, except repeat endlessly, "You choose your own behavior. Is it getting you what you want?" Not too much success with it so far.

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 13:33

Comment from: fenyimom [Member]

I just realized why we differ so much in the way we choose to raise our troubled kids. Long before I brought my kids home, I read a post on an adoption message group that said the most important thing for adoptive parents to remember is that love is a verb. You love your kids by performing the acts that parents perform for their kids, unconditionally, regardless of what you get back from them. I took that belief to heart and have based my parenting on that belief. It's worked pretty well. I guess I should be thankful that I read that message so many years ago.

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 14:33

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

Fenyimom, that is a great principle and a great post to read before the fact. And guess what? I did that for over a decade before I ran out of gas. I can show you all the ACTION I put into loving Amy ... love being a verb, as you say. All the adventures, hand-made clothes, birthday parties, Christmas presents, hugs and cards, etc. All the therapy, doctors, talks and more talks and more talks, tears and pleas and hands-on help ... and nothing changed. She could and would state that she simply didn't want to return it. After a decade of that, something inside me died. My belief that all people would respond to genuine caring, effort, and messages of value was sorely damaged. Most kids who are adopted after experiencing trauma and loss DO absorb those messages, at least to some extent. Some don't, and those parents who post on this blog that they are so out-of-gas they can't even describe it are living lives that I understand way better than I wish I did. I am very happy--truly--that you don't know what that feeling is like. I hope you never do. But I haven't met too many parents (bio, adopted, step, whatever) who can give indefinitely, never expecting any return on their effort at all.

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 14:54

Comment from: Julie [Member]

· http://special-needs.adoptionblogs.com/

Nancy, you get to have the most interesting conversations over here!

I'm one of those who believes that none of us are capable of unconditional love - that it was only exhibited by Jesus and that the price was incredibly high (his life). We hear stories of parents going that far for their children, but I suspect the vast majority of us would fall short.

I totally agree with what some of your readers have to say about love being an action verb and about the need for children to know they are always a part of the family. But I am also in the middle of parenting a child who can easily run even the strongest parent out-of-gas.

You said: I totally agree with Dan Hughes that you must meet the child where they are at ... but that doesn't mean you don't ask the child to stretch and grow.

This is the crux of the issue, in my opinion. You have to keep meeting the child where they are, but if they are refusing to grow, there is little you can do. Change is inevitable and if they're not growing, theyre dying.

Tell your neighbor, who I think is the one whose son has similar issues to LuLu, that I am continuously telling her around here "I can only try as hard as you do to work on your issues. When you put forth the effort, then I can put forth the effort." It's a great reminder to me as well, to let go of trying to "fix" things for her and let her step up and take responsibility.

Great blog!

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 16:22

Comment from: Kathleenb [Member]

Love IS a verb. And sometimes love needs to be tough enough to let a loved one fall on his or her face to learn much-needed lessons.

In your mom friend’s conversation, I don’t see any indication that she said she would withdraw her love from her son. I think she is indicating appropriate consequences for her son – you don’t do the work I want you to do, I don’t do the work you want me to do. She’s prioritizing. When my six kids were all less than driving age, we did not sign them up for individual activities, and we did not arrange for many individual play dates. We prioritized – I needed my energy for all the family; I couldn’t spend it running one around. My 18yo dd was amazed at the freedom she found when she turned 16 and could drive. But she was also doing all the right things. Another daughter only recently got her license – after two years of living away from home. My 20yo son (Job Corps) and 17yo son (home) still don’t have theirs – they don’t do what I want (school, work, etc.) so I don’t put myself out as much for them as for the kids who DO do what they’re supposed to.

I also wish people would lay off complaining about the animal analogies. Animal people make animal analogies. I’m an animal person. They don’t offend me. I’ve never seen you talk about using a training collar on your children, or feeding them dog food out of a bowl on the floor. An analogy is an analogy. It’s useful for explaining or illustrating, but it’s not a literal fact.

I think a lot of times our kids are so focused on control, taking care of themselves, etc., that they focus too much on the STUFF that they like to think makes up love. I don’t think it hurts them to have to take care of things themselves (work) and see that we can still love them in spite of making them work.

Re: giving back – I think most of us adoptive parents have fairly low standards of what we expect back. My kids don’t have to act like they love me – I would be happy just to see them progress and have small successes in their own lives. I think that’s what we really want for our kids. When our babies make those developmental steps – smile, turn over, coo… we rejoice because they are developing as they should, and we hope for a good life for them. Yes, we also rejoice in the love we receive back from them – but even if that is absent, we can take pride in their accomplishments. I am THRILLED every time one of mine shows signs of good moral development – what could make a parent happier than that? Often, it’s the outward actions that clue us in to those inner changes – when my son gets better grades, or helps around the house without being asked, and with no expectation of anything in return – maybe it’s out of love, maybe he’s matured and realized why those things make sense, maybe he’s just finally learned to do the “right thing.” I don’t care which of those motivations it is – I just care that he has made forward progress. THAT’S what I want my kids to give back, more than anything else. I think that’s a normal, realistic, and reasonably altruistic expectation and desire.

Most likely, some sort of relationship will eventually develop out of that growth and maturity, even if it’s not a close one.

/soapbox ;-)

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 16:41

Comment from: my2rubies [Member]

"My neighbor’s son is biological. He has only been in her family."

Lucky for him. I'll bet he's never once had it cross his mind that his parents might abandon him...that it would be his fault...that's he's worthless, useless because his mother left him alone. Lucky for him.

I will choose not to have my child live with fear...fear that I'd leave him/her totally alone in this world...they've been there, done that.

A parent is supposed to love their kid more than anybody in the world, and yet some parents think that means they have to treat them as badly as the world might someday because doggone it, they have to learn.

That's not to say I didn't have a serious conversation with my own son last night about his less than acceptable effort. It was a strong message, to be sure, but not a fear-filled one and not one that will lead him to believe I'll abandon him (too).

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 16:49

Comment from: my2rubies [Member]

Eastern girl,

Have you ever watched one of those movies about a teacher who really inspires their kids to succeed? They don't do it with snide remarks. They do it with relationships. Relationships are everything and before you can expect somebody to give back to you, you need to have a relationship with them.

I've heard from several adoptive parents who tell me that in retrospect, they wish they'd spent the first six months focusing less on the behavior and more on the relationship. Because then, and only then, will the behavior that they want, come.

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 16:53

Comment from: Lindy [Member]

It seems that some of the confusion comes from the fact that some of the people commenting on this blog have not had the unique experience of parenting a truly RAD child. Unless you've walked the walk, you can't possibly begin to talk the talk. I have been in situations that I could have never imagined before RAD. I've also had heartbreak that I could have never imagined before RAD. I've had years and years of parenting experience (bio, adopted and handicapped). Parenting a RAD child takes one to a new planet with a different language in a strange solar system. You have to learn a totally different way of relating to a child. You also have to rely on emotional strength that you never knew you had. I understand the conflict of ideas here. I've been listening to them for years. We can all learn from each other. But we must step back and acknowledge that those of us in the trenches with a RAD child know what we're talking about. We live it every day and mourn the relationship we will probably never have with our child, in spite of our love (both noun and verb).

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 17:34

Comment from: bluestocking [Member]

Let me ask another question. I have no doubt that a parent of a child with this disorder goes through absolute hell and is probably psychologically scarred, emotionally battered, afraid at some level to give wholeheartedly to another child out of fear of being rejected. After going through that, is it fair to take on another child with similar issues if there is even a shadow of a doubt in your mind about your ability to give that child a family forever, no matter what? I think what you've described as "unconditional regard" actually is "unconditional love." You're certainly loving the child, even if the feelings aren't always there, if you are able to make a firm commitment to a kid and say, "OK, I hope this kid will turn a corner, but I'm realistic and know that he or she may never love me back, may never be capable of being what I expect, no matter how hard I try. I'll have to look for affirmation in other places, from my friends, from my other family, from my work. Regardless, even if he has to live away from me for awhile or takes off when he's an adult, he will always be my son or she will always be my daughter." My parents loved me, without a doubt. They had some problems with me too and I'm sure they didn't always find me very likeable. I didn't ever seriously believe that they'd give me away. Parents simply didn't DO that. I don't know if I realized what a gift that was. Every kid, no matter how difficult, deserves that certainty from his parents, regardless of whether they're biological or adoptive.

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 19:08

Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member]

· http://open.adoptionblogs.com

Amen to that Lindy. And I would say that you have to do all this, while fighting the never ending battle with most everyone else around you (those who do not have a clue.)
Is it really any wonder that most of us suffer from the PTSD?
We battle our kids to reach them where they can be helped.
We battle others to get services, schools, Doctors, and treatments.
We battle friends and neighbors to keep from being tagged as abusers and losing our kids all together.
We battle those around us for understanding and compassion.
I can't speak for anyone else, but I know all I really want is some peace and a little compassion, not one more battle.

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 19:26

Comment from: my2rubies [Member]

Me too, Deb.

Lindy, let's be careful not to get into a "my kid's worse than kid." That's a slippery slope. You don't know anybody's kid other than your own so it's really impossible to comment on what experiences we've had.

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 19:48

Comment from: Lindy [Member]

my2rubies....you are absolutely right. I can only imagine that others who are doing what I'm doing are experiencing some of the same feelings and frustrations that I have. It's not a matter of "who" is more challenging. Each child presents his/her own set of challenges. I was trying to make a distinction betweeen what we would consider "normal parenting" to parenting a RAD child. Both types of parenting have their highs and lows; however, I have found that parenting a RAD child is much more difficult on a daily basis. I have met and talked with others in the same boat and they agree. We are all learning. I guess I'm a little sensitive on the subject because I've had to explain our child and her life to so many people who don't appear to understand. I wouldn't understand if I didn't live it. It's not a matter of loving too little or too much. It's more about how to love them in a way that they can take in and made sense of it. It's also a way of loving while you are trying to maintin your sanity. It's complicated and frustrating. There's very little sweetness and light.

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 20:07

Comment from: eastern girl [Member]

2rubies:

Yes, I've seen those movies. Good old Hollywood. Not too realistic, though. My "kids" (all over 18) have had years of teachers, counselors, social-workers, and very often, volunteers who have given given given to them, with no noticeable result except the kid has little respect for the naivite and gullibility of "do-gooders"-their term, not mine. They consider those who give endlessly while never holding them accountable for their behavior to be fools. Who would want to have a fool as a role model?
We teachers have relationships with them varying from barely civil (or they're kicked out) to very good. I'm the same with all of them, but with some it works very well and with others-we just get by.
In relationships, you get what you give. And unless it's 2-way, there IS no relationship.

Permalink 01/17/08 @ 20:19

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

Our family loves the "nothing in life is free" perspective. Well, it's really only the adults that like it. However, that does include our adult children! The approach works well for bio kids, adopted kids, dogs, even nosy relatives, neighbors and teachers. It does not work with cats!

Regarding the animal analogies, they are common to our culture. Thinking here of books like The Runaway Bunny, The Three Little Pigs, things like that. Useful for teaching.

As far as what we parents want/need back from our kids. It is quite possible to pour out and not take back in. We (our family) tends to draw the line over situations involving safety for the family unit. It really does not makes sense to allow one unhealthy family member to sink the whole ship. After all, if we allowed the boat to go down, where would the unhealthy family member go? Must deal with things while the leaks are still repairable!

Which leads me to my final thought in the matter. Where would Dora be now if she were not working through her issues with your family, Nancy? Stay focused on that!

Permalink 01/18/08 @ 10:20

Comment from: condo-mom [Member]

Thanks Eastern Girl for your comments -- getting a teacher's perspective (from, as you say the world of psuedo-adults) is helpful -- and kinda scary. I can so clearly see my daughter ending up in that pool, although I fervently hope not. I try hard to give her many opportunities to develop Real Relationships, but she adroitly sidesteps most if not all of them. If she continues at this level of (non) effort in her life and friendships, she has a very lonely path ahead -- but seems to prefer it that way. However, we will keep offering a different way. -- Rachel

Permalink 01/18/08 @ 12:26

Comment from: guppy [Member]

my2rubies
I agree that relationships are the best way to inspire. That's the exact problem with reactive attachement disorder. The lack of ability to form a close relationship, in which child internalizes inspiring role model. In fact the disorder could be well named Relationship disorder. (It would give a better idea what it's about). Sadly all the "tough love effort" that you find questionable focuses on retraining a child's brain to learn to form a relationship. (something they lack to a variable degree) Then can come a stage of inspiring them.
When you watch a therapy administered to kids with autism (for example), it looks really wierd. But in terms of "healing from autism" it works. Telling autistic child virtualy anything won't make a difference before they learn how to process language.
Parenting techniques described on this blog do not fall into category of parenting a less fortunate child. They fall into category of parenting a child with a relationship disorder. These techniques seem wierd but they work.

Permalink 01/18/08 @ 14:18

Comment from: my2rubies [Member]

Guppy, Do they? Reading on here, I don't think they do work. Not just Nancy's kids. That's my point.

Permalink 01/18/08 @ 17:53

Comment from: guppy [Member]

Yes, my2rubies, we don't have scientific data as to what the percentages are. Which remains to be done.
However if there is no intervention RAD progresses to borderline personality disorder or generaly gets worse.
Some children don't heal and some children make a "full" recovery.
Part of Nancy's dilema comes from the fact that she didn't know all she knows now, and couldn't aid Amy with the same therapeutic approach as she did Beth.
If you start therapy for autism late, results are mixed, yet prove to be overall beneficial in comparison to no therapy at all.
But again, we have no exact data to dispute and I think it will take a while for them to appear.
I believe that there is a reason to find out and measure and research. You are saying that there isn't a reason. That's the difference. I am saying love is not enough, there is something seriously wrong in these kids' brain. You are saying that love is enough and they will be ok, if you just do what you are doing. That's where our opinions differ.

Permalink 01/19/08 @ 05:23

Comment from: CREAMPUFF_SUGAR [Member]

Sadly, my2rubies, my mom (who is in her mid-70s) went to her college reunion (she graduated in the late 50s) and met a former classmate. This lady was a social worker and she and her husband adopted an eight year old boy. This social worker, with sorrow in her eyes, told my mother: "Tell your daughter that 'love is not enough'". Why did she say that? Her son is in the penitentiary. Thankfully, before we even adopted our two at 7 and 8, we had watched all the Nancy Thomas videos and read "Love is not Enough" . We, at least, went in with "eyes open". They were opened wider as we have gone along, but we were not totally clueless. Our daughter, while still having issues (that sadly mainly have to do with her worry over her brother's choices) is so different than just a year ago. God has been very merciful to us. Her brother, just last night, actually cried over some of the pain of his past. This is huge. It has been 4.5 years. We continue to pray and go at a pace that most would not understand.
patricia

Permalink 01/20/08 @ 10:10

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