My topic this last couple of days has been PTSD, with the emphasis on parental PTSD because of living with toxic children. My intent was to write about how I survived living in a war zone for decades. However, I am going to postpone that a day or two in favor of addressing the PTSD our children bring with them into our homes—how their past becomes our present.

My latest issue of Reader’s Digest arrived in my mailbox this week. In it, I found a story about Andrew Bridge, a former foster child who attended Harvard Law School and now advocates for foster children. He spent 11 years as a foster child in limbo, living in the same disinterested, non-supportive family. Can you imagine? How is it that so many of “us” work our butts off to help kids, and we get kids who can’t or won’t make progress; other upwardly mobile and motivated kids land in homes where the parents couldn’t care less. Last night, I watched an episode of Without a Trace, and there was a foster care situation portrayed on that program as well. The foster mom was not depicted in a very positive light. At the end of the show, the teen boy learns he will be moving into the home of a man who has taken an interest in him and been mentoring him ... as opposed to his snarly and disinterested foster mom.

I spent quite some time this morning trying to track down Andrew Bridge. He has been very active in advocating across the country for more rights for children in foster care. One of his primary beliefs is that children belong with biological parents if at all possible. I agree with this. The foster care system makes a lousy substitute parent. However, Bridge isn’t unrealistic; he was one of the primary forces behind the creation of National Adoption Day. If a child cannot live with their biological parent, he firmly believes they need a permanent home, not 11 years in foster care, as he experienced.

I have often told the story of one young man that so clearly illustrates this truth. Years and years ago I was attending a conference in Indianapolis. Pat Johnston, who often comments on this blog, appeared before the room and informed the audience that a very special foster home was needed. There was a young man in Fort Wayne, a city a few hours north of Indy, who needed a foster care placement. This teen boy was recovering from over 300 stitches received from an ax attack by his biological mother. Clearly, he needed a very special home. One was found for him in Indy. He refused to travel that distance, stating, “I need to be close to my mom so when she gets out of the mental hospital, I can have an apartment and be there for her.”

I have never, ever forgotten that story, and it serves to remind me often that we, as adoptive parents, must honor the connection our kids have with their families of origin. For some children, that bond is strong; for others, not so deep. Dora’s experiences have reinforced that truth for me; she struggled mightily in her relationship with her adoptive mom, but still the ties run deep.

I hope I am successful in finding Andrew Bridge; if I am, I will tell you more about him and his work.

Interview with Andrew Bridge

List of articles in the New York Times describing the system's failure to protect children. (Found while researching Andrew Bridge)

Harper Collins Speaker's Bureau bio on Andrew Bridge

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