Parents can be stuck just like the kids

Part 7 in a series

“Guest” blogger Katherine Leslie, PhD

I think that many therapists are not realizing that parents of these children are traumatized. The therapist may say, “But the parent’s life is not being threatened therefore it is not a trauma.” Or, “The parent needs to rise above his own hurt feelings.” However, the definition of trauma in the DSM includes threat to physical or psychological integrity of self with a response of fear, helplessness, and horror. Living with these children does threaten our integrity of self because of the saliency of the parent role. We are almost completely dependent on the child for our self-esteem regarding our self-concept of our parent role. This would not be so devastating if that role was a minor role in our lives. But unfortunately, once you become a parent it is your most salient role and tends to trump all others. We spend the most time in this role and thinking about this role. Research on happiness suggest happiness is directly related to how much time you spend in or thinking about a particular role. The more time you spend in or thinking about an enjoyable role the more general sense of happiness and well being you will feel. Anyone who is “stuck” in an unpleasant role and faced with that role the majority of the time is going to be pretty unhappy, and rightly so. Trying to change the way the person thinks about being stuck doesn’t change the fact the he is stuck. He can put on a happy face and think positive thoughts and reframe reality all he wants but it will not change the fact that he is stuck.

Sometimes the best intervention for the parent is to give him permission to spend less time in the “parent role.” Because spending time with this child in that role threatens the father’s existence in the world, which like his child he will defend against. So does this father need help? Yes, but not in a way that suggests his behavior is pathological. His behavior, albeit undesirable, is perfectly normal given the circumstances. We talk about the child’s behaviors as not being intentional to hurt others, but rather as purposeful in his desire to protect himself. I think the father deserves the same reframing. Suggesting that he love this child no matter what or that he get psychological counseling is not a helpful approach; it only adds to the “second arrow” effect, places all of the responsibility on the parent, and ignores the fact that this is a given aspect of their relationship (the father’s feelings and behaviors do not exist outside of the relationship.) Also, because this approach invalidates that father’s needs in the relationship it misdirects us away from teaching the child how to please his father in the relationship, which I believe to be the best intervention for the child.

Was that an awesome bit of advice or what? The overwhelming feelings projected by parents who are stuck are ones of helplessness, hopelessness and defeat… and anger at their circumstances. Katherine’s views make SO much sense to me. (Shameless plug here… come hear Katherine speak at ADN’s second annual conference in August!)

Many thanks to Katherine for her contribution to this series.

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