A reader inquired about whether or not Amy would have fared better in another family … someplace other than in my family? Julie addressed that in a recent blog, and she linked several blogs I have written on that same topic:

Goodness of fit does matter

You want to Cha-Cha, I want to Tango


That same reader acknowledged in a comment somewhere along the way on this blog, Julie’s blog or Faith’s blog that she (the reader) was parenting attachment-challenged kids and that she knew that going in … and that she also knew that there was a strong possibility that as the parent, she would receive little or nothing in return for her efforts. I have addressed that topic as well, numerous times.


Expectations matching reality ... Which kid to pick?

The gift is in the giving

What are the boundaries for giving?


It is far, far easier to be satisfied with what you are doing if you had realistic expectations going in. Having said that, my husband and I lowered, and lowered, and lowered our expectations to the very bottom … we wanted our daughter to bathe, smile occasionally, and take a modicum of interest in her life. If she aspired to be a trash collector but was happy about life, we’d be good with that. But instead, every day she faces life as something to be endured, not embraced. How can any parent not be sad, frustrated and disappointed about that?

I also completely and totally agree with Faith’s comments that to bail Amy out, to rescue and enable her, only sends her powerful messages of incompetence. I have written extensively about that, too.

More on expectations and personal value

Steel box with a velvet lining

Confidence and competence


I want to delve more into Katherine Leslie’s work about reciprocity in parent/child relationships, but I will move that to one of the upcoming posts. I just wanted to point questioning readers to answers I have already written.


I want to close this post by telling you what happened here this morning …


Wherever I go, I am followed by four dogs. Our old gal sleeps off by herself somewhere, but Ben and Reilly (the Border collies) and Zoë (the Rottie) and Gracie (our “Foxerman" … Doberman/Foxhound) follow me everywhere. As usual, they were all hanging out in my bathroom/dressing area. They are usually playing and romping with each other. I was getting dressed and was in a rather compromising state of affairs. All of the sudden I hear Ben growling and carrying on, but there was a distinctly desperate sound to it. I look over and he and Zoë are locked together around their heads, both of them getting increasingly agitated. I grabbed them and told them to settle down, only to discover that Zoë had her lower jaw stuck under Ben’s collar, with Zoë’s canine teeth preventing her from turning loose. Ben was literally choking without enough air, and I couldn’t release the collar or slip Zoë’s jaw out of the entanglement. I frantically called my husband and using brute force, he managed to unbuckle Ben’s collar. (And then I got dressed!!)


The reason I am telling you this is because it was truly amazing to me how instantly the dogs stopped struggling and “relaxed” as much as they possibly could under the circumstances, once they knew I was there to deal with it. They couldn’t have been more cooperative during the experience or more appreciative once we resolved the dilemma.


Ben has been with us since the last week of last year. Zoë joined us in early March. They trust me already. They receive my love. They want to please me, and in turn I lavish them with attention and love. Zoë is anxiously attached and had clearly lost ground when I was away for two weeks at conferences, but nevertheless, she responded beautifully to my directions today.


If only our kids were so easily convinced.


Photo Credit