Well, I hardly know where to begin. Seems I never have a lack of blog material these days. I’m my usual comatose self at nearly 11 PM, aggravated by the fact that I was up with one of the dogs at 4 AM and couldn’t go back to sleep because of the horrible stomach issues I am still addressing. Tomorrow I’m calling the doc and getting a different antibiotic … I don’t think I can hang in there another five days with this one.


Steph and her boyfriend were here for the weekend, although they weren’t here on Thursday for Thanksgiving. My folks don’t leave until Tuesday morning. So there is still a lot of food being consumed here, and we have worked hard to decorate the house for the holidays and put our recently finished “lower level” (my dad says not to call it a “basement”) in order. It is with this backdrop that I have read and tried—unsuccessfully—to process the comments from “Tommy” and “Amy” and all the follow-up comments as well. I’m not at all sure what I think right now, starting with I don’t even know whether I want to use their real names or not!


I will warn you in advance that the thoughts that follow might not flow too coherently.


First of all, Pat’s comment (and it truly is Pat’s comment!) is, as usual, thought-provoking and much appreciated:

As her long time friend, I've told her that I fear that she is burning herself out big time, and I think that's leading her to make less well informed decisions than she has ever made before. This blog's content is part of that.
I cannot continue to watch my dear friend derail her train here!

With love and hugs to Nancy.

Pat is correct, I am burning out big time. I am more fatigued and more out of gas this past six months to a year than ever before. Although I hadn’t connected the dots, no doubt Pat is also correct about her conclusion that my burn-out is affecting my judgment in some areas. I have a lot more chewing to do on this thought …


“Amy” and “Tommy” have both given their permission for me to write about their respective pre-emancipation histories. “Tommy” says:

I don't know how else I need to express i dont like you writting about me, but as i have figured this much you won't stop, no matter what. I have made many dark mistakes in my life. I thank you, for not writting about them in your blog's and I hope this won't make you break the barrier you already have.

I haven’t written about him until recently when this all started to blow up. I did honor his request. Frankly, there are many, many "Tommy" stories I could have shared. He went on to say he is “… open for phone calls if you promise not to share my now and future life.” The thing is … being "open to phone calls" means he would call me and talk about himself and ask for me to fix things and there would be no part of this “relationship” that would be beneficial or rewarding to me. Katherine Leslie says that’s a no-no! All levity aside, I take no pleasure in stating that, but it’s true. It is quite possible for him to call and invest himself in the family while divulging nothing about his life. Lord knows I wouldn’t pry. But he doesn’t do that. He desires a relationship on his terms only, or none at all and I’m to blame.


And then there is this comment from “Amy” … "As your daughter and an adult with rights, writing about my life when im no longer in your house and without talking to me first is for one hurtful and low."

When did the rules change? I think my previous posts are pretty clear about how many times she has hurt me with her words and her behavior. Don’t get me wrong, I am NOT advocating an eye for an eye. But to talk about her rights, “talking to her first” and being “hurtful and low” …. Puh-leeze! Her behavior for years and years has been extremely hurtful to me and my family, and she was not concerned about that at all. She has told so many lies about me, my husband and my family. She may not like what I am saying but at least it is not a lie. She has continued to lie about “my family” (apparently not “her family”) in the past year when she has been an adult, so while one might say the rules were different when it was a parent/minor child relationship, if she is going to play the adult card, she needs to follow all the rules.


I read this post to my husband and he agrees that I “wrote the truth”. He is worried, however, that I am “fanning the flames.” I understand his concern. This is not a happy, bury-the-hatchet post. But how can it be? How can I not have thoughts and responses to what my angry kids stated? True, I could stew on it by myself and post a "happy summary" or skip it entirely, but am I the only one experiencing this? If I don't write about it will my feelings evaporate?


My processing will be a work in progress. It is my fervent hope that I can “process on paper” in very short order and arrive at a better place very soon. But right now … I can’t just write about something else and pretend I haven’t read these comments from my kids. It is absolutely not my goal to "fan the flames", but rather to insist we all play by the same rules. Of course I'd love to have a relationship with these kids ... but not as the fall guy or a Patsy.


Much, much more coming …


Photo Credit