I have promised to discuss Katherine Leslie’s views on the parent-child relationship, and that is the topic for today. This information originates from Katherine’s closing keynote at ATN’s conference a few weeks ago, as well as her brand new book, The Guidebook for Developing Mutual Well-Being in Parent-Child Relationships. Note the word prominently stated in the title—MUTUAL. What a significant word!


Katherine states:

Being in relationship dictates that each member compatibly match the other member with responses that satisfy both people. The satisfaction of one’s own needs is imperative, however, it is through the engagement of mutual satisfaction that one hones attachment behaviors (develops a full repertoire of attachment behaviors and becomes healthily attached). I refer to this desired outcome as “mutual well-being” and it is the foundation for my practice of family life intervention.

Katherine defines different types of reciprocity and how they play out in parent/child dynamics. Correspondent reciprocity is defined as a 50/50 proposition … both members give and receive equal value or benefit from the relationship. Complimentary reciprocity is an interaction where what each person gives and receives is of different quantity and value, however, both members in the relationship are satisfied with what they are giving and getting.


The parent/child relationship is clearly complimentary! No one expects an infant to provide the same perks to her parent as the parent provides to the baby. But that baby’s smile … oh, that moves mountains for that mom!


As a side bar here, perhaps the reason some parents have such a hard time understanding that it is a loving thing to do to allow your child to fail (as discussed ad nauseum on several previous posts) is because some parents define their parenting role largely in terms of being needed … and having a needy child indefinitely meets that parental need. When I stated in this post that it is my belief that people behave in relationships in some way that is meeting their own need, this is what I meant. Note this description of codependency:


As adults, codependent people have a greater tendency to get involved in relationships with people who are perhaps unreliable, emotionally unavailable, or needy. And the codependent person tries to provide and control everything within the relationship without addressing their own needs or desires; setting themselves up for continued unfulfillment.


Not only do I think it is not healthy for the child (or adult child) to be enabled and rescued indefinitely, I think it is very unhealthy for the adult (parent). And please, before you assume I am saying anyone and everyone who bails out an adult child is codependent ... I'm most certainly not. But to have no endpoint and no ability to discern "can't" from "won't" when it comes to letting your adult child stand alone ... something is off kilter there.


There is much more to share about Katherine's ideas ... stay tuned!

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