Once again, this post is hitting a little too close to home. My 13 yo RAD, FAE son has monopolized (yes, I mean that) every moment of my time since he was 10 mos old. I've dealt with therapists (granted for OT, SP, PT), teachers, doctors, now a AT. I've read dozens of books, dealt with his behavior at home on a sometimes, minute to minute basis and there's no end in sight. Thankfully, he's not aggressive, but like your Amy, doesn't seem to care about anything, including being in this family. At this moment, I don't believe he wants to participate in therapy at any level and I'm tired of this relationship being completely one-sided. We investigated a RTC recently that called for a HIGH level of "family" commitment, including one long weekend/month of therapy at the RTC for the entire family. It honestly does not appeal to me or DH to do this for him. I can completely understand this mothers feelings. Thanks for telling it like it is Nancy.

This has been helpful for me to sort things out. Thank you, Nancy, for including me in this blog. It is hard to say the things I say, but they are my truth, and I feel like we have enough folks "playing the game" (i.e., my wounded child) that I need to keep it real.

It also seems therapeutic to me to identify what I am feeling, although right now it is quite the mixed salad.

Any good suggestions are appreciated.

Just to add another thought to what I just wrote. I'm a single mom so I work full time outside the home and have friends, etc. I still consider my kids to be a full-time job and I still believe that when I adopted them I signed on for a child-centered world for a good 18 years.

I can relate to much of what Nancy has blogged, as we have been there too. When my dd was at Teen Challenge, we did monthly "counseling" sessions with her and the director. Thes consisted of brining up some highlights of her counseling sessions during the past month and having her confess to things she had done, etc. They were rarely if ever about what we, the family, needed to do to make Mary better. Although they knew nothing about RAD, they knew all about seeing thru the lies and manipulation.

When she was kicked out of TC and moved to a different Teen Challenge, they invited us several times for family training and counseling and we simply refused to go. We had spent so much time and money, at great cost to our other children and our marriage, and she had made little to no effort.

Although she is now in the National Guard Youth Challenge program in IN, and she has been very pleasant for the last few months, I'm still not ready to stick my neck out very far until I have a fair bit of evidence that she is trying and wants to be a participating, contributing member of our family.

Yes, I signed on for a lifetime of commitment to each of my six children, bio and adopted. I also signed on for a lifetime with my spouse. When one of those members wilfully makes choices to harm others, however, my commitment changes. Wtih Mary, I became a parent at a distance. I'm still committed to helping her get started after NGYCP (she'll be 18 by then) if we won't let her move back home (and we probably will let her do that).

Sometimes you can't maintain 100% commitment to everyone. Sometimes something has to give.

IMG 1567, I can relate to your feelings about a high level of family comittment at an RTC. My son entered an RTC at 12. They required that all parents take their parenting classes, boy did that feel like a put down. The old story, 'If we would parent more effectively, we wouldn't have these problems, would we?'.

The class was taught by a former RTC director, the most irritatingly egotisical human I have ever met. He started off by saying this was not a class for normal parents, only for parents of extremely oppositional kids, and nothing we covered would be taught in a normal parenting class. He was right, and the class gave me what I needed to deal with my son. It felt so good to have something that didn't make me feel like I was constantly being used, or ignored. There was nothing about attachment, but I suspect command and control have to come before there is any chance of attachment. I am thankful that they insisted on that course. John

I wrote a comment yesterday and then clarified it but now see that the original comment did not come through.

First I wanted to let Mabel know that I'm very sorry that she and her family are having these difficulties. It's so very hard, I know. Big hugs and prayers coming your way. I can only imagine how frightened ALL of you are.

I am confused by two of the comments above:

"Is this going to be a long, long (child)-centered world we are entering?"

"This has become my full-time job, and I resent that, too."

I am confused because when I decided to become a parent, I did it knowing full well that my world would be child-centered for 18 years. Isn't that what parenting is? As I clarified above, I'm a single mom with a full-time job and friends and activities, yet my children are in my thoughts at all times. Most of what I do is centered on them because I chose that when I became a parent. So when I decide where to go on vacation, it is with their desires (and mine) in mind. When I plan our menu for dinner, I plan to include foods they (and I) will like. Isn't that what people who love each other and are sharing their lives (whether parent-child or not) do?

My second point of confusion stems from what sounds like blaming the child. I can only wonder how scared he is. His whole world has been turned upside too. It's soooo hard, but if possible, look past the behaviors and see the frightened child who needs love. If he was diagnosed with cancer and required every second of your time, would you resent it so much? It seems that the stigma attached to mental health issues permeates our families too.

I wonder if parents struggling with these issues wouldn't benefit from personal counseling so that they are able to get past the resentment and heal the family from a place of love?

One of the essentials, IMHO, is HOPE. If there is hope that a child will heal. or at least improve with intervention, that must be attempted. Like with your Amy, in time it will become clear whether or not the intervention needs to be continued.

Love Muffin and I had one who didn't respond very well to therapy, and one who responded remarkably well. But you don't know unless you at least try.

I disagree that when becoming a parent you sign on to 18 years of a child-centered world. My daughter is NOT the center of my life. She is a very, very important part of it, but my life does not revolve around her. First, my husband comes before her, (I know, the poster is a single parent, but for those of us with spouses, the spouse MUST come first in a family or you don't have a family). Second, now that she's 2.5, there are times when she can play all by herself, in another room, without me being there. I can send her upstairs by herself. I can leave her in the house for 2 minutes while I take the dogs potty. As she gets older, it will be even longer. And one day, she'll stay in the house all by herself, for hours! She'll go to school and I'll forget about her for 6 hours. She'll come home, do her homework, help fix dinner, etc. My life does not and will not revolve around her. Sure, there will be times it will--when she's sick or if she's in a tournament that we spend a weekend at or rehersals for a play that we have to take her to/from. But this isn't the same thing as spending hours a day with a child who will not relate properly with you or hours going to therapy or.....

The life I hear about such as in this family, and with Nancy and Amy and Tommy is far, far, far away from a normal family life with children in it. Normal families do not revolve around the child 24 hours a day.

Justmemom, I get what you're saying. I am not sure you are hearing where I am. I have been a great mom, actually. We do lots of playdates, are involved with our children's lives, help with homework, take them to special fun classes, cook foods they like (including ones from 'their other life') do beach trips, participate at the local library's summer events, take bike rides, actually listen to them when they talk, make the time for them, etc., etc., etc. I am not sure you're getting my point: can we use all of our time, effort, finances, and everything and pour it into this one child, not taking vacations because we can't do intensive therapy and go special places as well, keep trying to do damage-control when he's lying to the principal of my school about how awful we are? Can we pour $$$$$$$ into a child who hates us and who seems unreachable? How much can we love someone who chooses to sabotage the relationship by being so hateful and even trying to pit his younger sibling against us?

We are in therapy, to clarify, and we go once a week to the AT and then once a month to the psychiatrist, but the therapy we're waiting on is the intensive therapy, the one that involves having two weeks off or 10 to 14 days once a week for all those weeks. Not many employers are that accomodating.

It is easy to say, "Suck it up, you are the mom." But I am not sure you are hearing my words. We have done lots to try to help this situation. We've made changes. We've met with attachment therapists. I've learned to not react, and yet, his behaviors have gotten worse, not better. I am afraid of him because of his bizarre, unpredictable, volatile behaviors. The recurring theme for over a year now from him has been: "I do not want to be a part of this family."

As our therapist said, you cannot force a child to stay in your home if they are determined not to. They will do whatever it takes not to be a part of your family. He is right.

It is a little hard to be second-guessed and judged even on a RAD site. I thought my confusion, frustration, exhaustion, stress, and anger would be at least understood here. I am fine with the raw emotion not being embraced, but at least understood would be nice. I thought the need to keep my marriage intact and the need to focus on our other child was a valid point.

But my latest saying, my mantra, has been "I am not other people. I cannot make decisions for them, I cannot think like them, I cannot choose how they act, I am not them."

I think I need to take a break from you all now. Bye! I'll have to grow some thicker skin before I come back, I'm afraid. This was a really, really bad day for me, and it just hurts to read that I am a whiner or a quitter or a failure or not committed enough or not strong enough or whatever. Pick a category and check the box, folks. I've already told myself all of those. Gotta go cry now.

Mabel, you're not alone. I hope you will come back and see this, at some point. I hear what your saying, and sadly, have BTDT. If love was enough, none of us would be here, eh? We'd all be living 'normal' lives filled with after school activities and family vacations in the summer. And of course, our children would all be grateful we rescued them from foster care, an orphanage, etc.

((((((((((((mabel))))))))))))

I read your words, mabel, and I feel your emotions. There's more support for you here than there are people who haven't got a real clue.