A reader asked several questions regarding my post about Dora’s manure moving adventures this past weekend. Specifically, the reader inquired about why I required the child to stand in a certain spot when they were done; how much of an explanation I gave about what I required; and whether or not the child was resentful if they received little or no explanation and did I feel the need to give them one.


First of all, these kids can make a control battle out of absolutely anything, and I have learned the hard way that not defining every single aspect of this job leaves me open for battles and the famous "playing dumb" game. I could find myself traipsing to the barn every ten minutes to “check” a chore that hasn’t been done at all. Therefore, I define everything. “Bags go here, trash cans go here, barn tools go here, doors are closed and locked, and you stand here when you want me to know you are finished.” I expect I will find a poorly done job when I first check, and I don’t rush out to check subsequent times; rather, I let the child stand in their spot until it is convenient for me to check yet again. Doing the job to the letter of the law also reinforces compliance and relinquishment of control—not in the “those awful parents of these poor traumatized kids think they have to control everything” kind of control (how the ignorant and uninitiated folks view our parenting style)—but in the “I’m in charge, I’ll keep you safe, but you have to follow my directions” kind of way. Who would think a parent who didn’t allow their child to run all the way across the street but DID allow them to run into the middle of the street was keeping that child safe?


I don’t feel the need to tell them my reasoning, especially when it centers around “You’ll play dumb if I don’t spell it all out.” In my experience, these kids can be resentful about anything and everything, so if they add being “kept in the dark” to their long list of the ways other folks have wronged them, oh well. Information is power—don’t share your power.


Bipette asked how many kids have been through my house? I have no clue … some were respite kids for a day or a few days, weeks or months; only two official foster daughters; a half-dozen unofficial foster kids; and one foreign exchange student. I really don’t know how many respite kids have crossed the threshold over the years. They are where my real education has occurred. The unofficial foster kids were usually teens that we found one place or the other who stayed at least 4-6 months.


We have four or five old time pictures that we have taken in Colorado when we visit my folks. It seems like each one has a different “extra” kid in it!