Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD Blog

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Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog

09/23/07

Running on empty

Posted by : Nancy Spoolstra in Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog at 08:21 pm , 413 words, 151 views
Categories: Keeping your tank filled

A reader recently asked if I was drained and needed a break after all this emotional work we are doing here of late. I can’t describe how drained I am. Beyond beat. Not to mention increasingly resentful of being the only one in my home who pays any attention to any of the details of running the home and managing the kids. Gee, I’ll bet there aren’t any of you moms or dads out there reading this who could understand that sentiment? How many of you have learned that competence is a double-edged sword? That the more capable you are of dealing with everything, the more your mate is happy to let you do just that? I’m sure it works both ways … if our mate is handling something well, why would we volunteer to take on the responsibility ourselves?

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I have always been the far more invested therapeutic parent. When it was just Beth at home, it was pretty easy—she’s healthy and fun and while we did continue to do regular emotional work in our wonderful big chair, it was less often and it was one child. Now that Dora is draining my tank rapidly, and Beth has required additional support during this time, my tank is running on fumes. And my husband is pretty darn clueless. But hey, he’s a guy … not an emotional being. (My apologies to those of you guys who are!) He put a leaf in the table and exchanged tablecloths last night (at my request of course ... why am I the only one who thinks of this?) and put the tablecloth away and pulled out a different one this morning (thinking it was the same one) when I asked him to take the leaf out and put the table back to the way it was. He makes billion dollar decisions at work, but at home it feels like I have to do all the thinking for everyone. I love him, he's a great guy ... but when is my day over?

I told the girls this afternoon that I was going to just take care of myself. We had kicked around the idea of working on some Christmas crafts, but I just didn’t have it to give. I’m crabby and irritable and really couldn’t give you a specific reason as to why … I’m just out of gas. Wait ... I know why ... I'm a MOM, that's why!

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9 comments

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Comment from: AMHFKH [Member]

It's okay to be crabby and not have anything else to give to anything 'extra' like Christmas crafts. My husband is the same way...leaves everything for me to take care of and then doesn't understand why I'm totally exhausted and don't want to do anything. I've even tried leaving some of the household chores alone (like laundry) just to see what would happen while I spent the night helping the kids with their homework and then when the work clothes aren't ready to put on the next morning, I just let him know that I can't do everything all the time. Hang in there, Nancy, and make sure to take time out for YOU!!! If us moms, and yes, there are a few dads, get to where we can't function, the whole family will fall apart.

Alice

Permalink 09/23/07 @ 20:33

Comment from: NCOZADD@aol.com [Member]

We went to a church picnic this afternoon. When the parking lot was yards away, he asked if I remembered to bring the salad. Ummmm.... I remembered to lock up the house, get some videos that had been promised to friends, take care of other stuff around the house.... and carry four bags of stuff out to the car. Sorry, but the salad was not on my to-do list. Apparently, it was not on his either. Fortunately, there is a Costco nearby. We will be having the salad for dinner on Monday.

Men... they are truly wonderful!

Nancy, do you have trusted friends and family in the area that can give you some help and respite?

Permalink 09/23/07 @ 21:18

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

" ... do you have trusted friends and family in the area that can give you some help and respite?"

One friend's husband is quite ill with cancer; another friend just started back to work and is the primary point person for the first friend, so she doesn't need another needy mom; no family nearby. Another friend is a single mom with a son who has many special needs (and a healthy daughter who happens to be Beth's good friend ...) so that mom has a pretty full plate, too.

I'm not much of a friend, though, because I am too busy with ATN to be much of a friend ... never available to go places on the spur of the moment, or whatever.

And truthfully, most of what I need is just someone to step up once in awhile in the little stuff ...

Loved your salad story, Coz! And Alice, you are correct, moms really are the glue that holds the family together.

Permalink 09/23/07 @ 21:42

Comment from: Faith Allen [Member]

· http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/

"Gee, I’ll bet there aren’t any of you moms or dads out there reading this who could understand that sentiment? How many of you have learned that competence is a double-edged sword? That the more capable you are of dealing with everything, the more your mate is happy to let you do just that?"

Just sitting here nodding my head!! My therapist told me that I was a "victim of my own success." I presented myself as Super Woman, and so those around me continue to expect that level of achievement, even when I am running on empty. Ugh.

Definitely take some time for yourself. What works for me is taking a long walk out in nature, followed by yoga, meditation, and a good night's sleep.

Hang in there.

- Faith

Permalink 09/24/07 @ 06:29

Comment from: my2rubies [Member]

I think that's one of the benefits of being a single mom. You still do it all, you just don't get angry about it.

I'm also running on empty and have rewarded myself with a sick day today. Other than food shopping, cleaning out the car, picking up around the house, cooking dinner, soccer practice, homework help and about 5 loads of wash, I'm not going to do a thing!

Permalink 09/24/07 @ 08:03

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

Boy can I relate. You don't get to count those on your "look what I did today!" list, do you? You breath, you cook, you clean, you shop...

Permalink 09/24/07 @ 08:11

Comment from: Kelly [Member]

· http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com

Having bobble head syndrome here. I'm tired of being the only who thinks of these things!!

It is emotionally draining to take on all of someone else's negative emotions, even if they need to purge them.

Permalink 09/24/07 @ 10:44

Comment from: mmarschner [Member]

"My therapist told me that I was a "victim of my own success." I presented myself as Super Woman, and so those around me continue to expect that level of achievement, even when I am running on empty. Ugh."

Faith! How many of us do this? So many of us can relate, I am sure.

Permalink 09/24/07 @ 12:03

Comment from: John [Member]

My2rubies, you got it right. The same applies to single Dads. No point in getting mad, at who? I think an advantage of being a single parent is that you know you aren't going to get relief from your mate, so you make sure you do recharge your battery. John

Permalink 09/24/07 @ 17:52

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