Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD Blog - "Safe" subjects like fuzzy flip flops

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Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog

08/30/07

"Safe" subjects like fuzzy flip flops

Posted by : Nancy Spoolstra in Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog at 04:19 pm , 481 words, 198 views
Categories: Preparing to bring your child home

I am exhausted today. I guess the past week has really caught up with me, both physically and emotionally. I am very ready to climb in the car tomorrow and spend the day traveling. I plan to crochet fuzzy flip flops for Dora. Beth has a zillion pairs, as do I.

My series this week has been written from my heart, as I experienced it, in an attempt to share the difficulties associated with pain, grief, loss, and adoption disruption. It is an ugly subject, but it happens. All across the country, parents of all kinds (bio, adoptive, step) make daily decisions about who will parent their child(ren) and for what reasons and for how long. Many, many of those “arrangements” are informal ones. While I recognize the way this event unfolded is very troubling to many people (me included), it is not my place to make judgments—it was only up to me to choose how to respond to the situation. I did what I thought was best for the child.

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While most of the comments I received on this series were supportive of my role in this saga, some were not. I don't mind differences of opinion, but I have no energy to deal with daggers. I am too tired to address armchair parenting. I am pulling all the blogs I have written in the past week, at least for the time being. I cannot possibly explain to everyone in cyberspace why I am doing what I am doing, why Dora’s parents did what they did, or why God chose to populate this galaxy. Some things are not easily answerable. Some things are very hard to understand. Some things I could explain but choose not to, and some things are not mine to explain. I am criticized for saying too little, and criticized for saying too much.

The last thing I want to do is compromise anything for this child. In the interests of her adjustment, and in deference to the decision made by her parents, I will not be discussing this placement until some point down the road when I feel it is not threatening to anyone. I am very sad on many fronts that I cannot share this experience with you on an on-going basis, but apparently, I cannot. Just as I was posting this blog, I received a comment from a reader who was appreciative of the opportunity to learn as this story unfolded. I will journal as best I can (I have never been good at doing that unless it was for something like a blog) and share as much as I can when I can.

I will write a few more general posts about disruption and answer a question or two that popped up this week.

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23 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Lindy [Member]

Nancy....I understand your frustration; but, I truly feel that many more of us are supportive and are eager to learn from your personal experience than not. I am saddened that a handful of people who probably won't or can't understand what you are going through can ruin it for all of us who support your efforts and are happy for your family. I am sure that you've touched many lives in the past few weeks with your stories and observations surrounding this disruption and prospective adoption. It encourages those of us who are still trying to make the world a better place for our RADs and gives us insight into our own doubts and insecurities re: our parenting skills. I hope you reconsider and choose to share what you can with those of us who are open and willing to participate in life in a positive and loving manner.

Permalink 08/30/07 @ 16:15

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

adoption disruption is a topic many folks cannot tolerate, preferring to keep it hidden. It is taboo. It is stereotyped. Another one of those "it only happens to bad people who didn't know how to be good parents" kind of thing.

Where are the services this family truly needed? When they decided to disrupt the adoption, was that decision less valid than their decision to accept the placement? Why did their agency not give them better training at the front end of the placement? What system is in place to help them through the emotional impact of disruption?

ugh!

Permalink 08/30/07 @ 16:47

Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member]

· http://open.adoptionblogs.com

Nancy, I am so sorry to hear that people have been so hostile about your sharing a very intimate look at disruption. I have not been commenting, but I have been reading and learning.
My prayers are with your family right now.
Deb

Permalink 08/30/07 @ 17:00

Comment from: Rostovmommy [Member]

Nancy,
I, too, am sorry that people have been hostile to you. I have found the posts heartbreaking and have grieved with the parents (and you) over this but have logged on over the last few days only to find out what was going on with you and Beth and Dora. I am sorry you have chosen to succumb to those who are hostile and angry. It is all of our loss.
Suzanne

Permalink 08/30/07 @ 17:47

Comment from: Patchesnposies [Member]

Nancy,

Add me to the list of very disappointed folks who were following your family's journey.

I am sorry that you have had to make this decision, though I truly understand why and would probably do the same if I were in your shoes.

Such a loss for us all, including you and your family. Please know that you, Dora, your whole family and Dora's previous family are all in my thoughts and prayers.

We'll all look forward to the day when you feel that you can share with us some more.

Be blessed.

Permalink 08/30/07 @ 18:32

Comment from: nicegirlphd [Member]

I think people in general often get intimidated by honesty and an open discussion of subjects that are not all rosy. And you Nancy are the master of honesty, which is just GREAT, not just for you and for us as readers, but also for your children. This is something I admire. And the ugly things and sad situations are there not because you put them there - you are just responding to them, lovingly and with a clear mind.

I saw two negative comments (I too log in a couple times a day to check your story), I think both from the same person. It was clearly an attack, and not a discussion. The questions they asked were rethorical. They were not interested in any real understanding, or discussion.

I am very sorry it caused you to pull out all those blogs, and not continue posting (although I do understand how you feel). I also think you should feel free to remove posts that are just personal attacks, especially on such a sensitive, personal, and intimate topic for you, describing your own story.

Hope you have a great weekend, and maybe you'll come back wanting to tell us more, forgetting about the insecure or superficial people who comment inappropriately.
Tal

Permalink 08/30/07 @ 18:40

Comment from: CREAMPUFF_SUGAR [Member]

Nancy,

Would you consider having a blog that only people with a password could access regarding your experiences with Dora, if you were willing to share them. I fully understand not wanting the negative and dare I say DOWN RIGHT STUPID and THOUGHTLESS posts from those that flit thither and yon sharing their ignorance which, unfortunately, is what most on the OUTSIDE want to hear. I find the raw material (by that I mean what happened in real life situation much more REAL and applicable to what is going on in my life).

Regardless of what you do, do what is best for you and your family..that is the MOST important.

Patricia

Permalink 08/30/07 @ 18:44

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

I need to clarify to you folks that this has much to do with my fear that one or two "ugly" people will do something to derail this situation, and I simply can't take that risk with this child. I am very thick skinned and I can deal with the folks who have never come close to addressing the issues I face daily. But if they cross the line and make judgments that can jeopardize this placement, that is something I can't risk.

I am very sad to have to make this decision because each child is different and I am still on a learning curve too... and there is so much I could and would share as it unfolds. I will do my best to keep you all informed in a safe way.

Permalink 08/30/07 @ 18:44

Comment from: mariah [Member]

((((((((Nancy))))))))

The thing that shone through all your posts (besides your infinite patience,love,understanding,caring, and that of Steph) was the positive reaction of both Dora and Beth to what you could offer. They felt safe; they felt loved; they felt heard. Not much more you could do than that!

I respect your decision about posting and COMPLETELY understand it, having had some difficulty myself with "ugly" people on the internet.

I hope you will be able to let us know if you need a hug (no reason needed, no sharing of the story at that time) just an "I need a hug" post, or a "Today was a happy day" or something like that.

Take care!

mariah

Permalink 08/30/07 @ 19:14

Comment from: getting old [Member]

or why God chose to populate this galaxy.

I love that

I enjoyed and was grateful for hearing the story as you told it... I hope you continue to share what you feel you can.

I hope your journey is a safe one and people will leave you alone and let you be a family

I hope Dora makes it!

Rinda

Permalink 08/30/07 @ 20:11

Comment from: Julie [Member]

· http://special-needs.adoptionblogs.com/

"And you Nancy are the master of honesty..."

Now that is the best description I've heard of you my friend!

I too, am sorry that this is not a world in which you can openly share your experience and let others learn from it.

I hope that your situation progresses quickly to a point that it is safe to share these posts, because I think there is so much that people can learn from them.

Take care of yourself, Dora, Beth, Steph, et al, and your own Super Dad.

And tell Mom and Dad "hi" from me...and that I wish I were coming along for the visit!

Permalink 08/30/07 @ 20:55

Comment from: SunnyAndrsn [Member]

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this on top of the rest of the stress of this situation. You'll be in my thoughts and prayers. I look forward to a time when you can share more of Dora's situation with us.

Wishing you & your family peace,
Sunny

Permalink 08/30/07 @ 21:02

Comment from: Pylon [Member]

I read your blog every day, though have only commented a couple of times. I have been in the position of dissolving and adoption, and it was absolutely the worst (and in many ways the best) thing my family has been through. I, too, have enjoyed learning through your sharing "up close" what has been going on. Due to a number of "issues" I was not allowed to say goodbye, or have any kind of open contact at all with my child's new family. I have read in amazement how loving, caring and bravely open and honest you have been with Beth, and now with Dora. Disruption/dissolution is such an emotionally laden, taboo topic - it has been refreshing to see it discussed openly and honestly on your blog. My best wishes to you and your family.

Permalink 08/30/07 @ 21:49

Comment from: mmarschner [Member]

I am sorry more was added to your plate Nancy. I just got back from my trip to California and Nevada and friend by friend was told that I should not be talking about DS issues the way I am (openly and honestly)and maybe if I toned it down, things would go away. Many other similar comments to ones you get on the blog. Your honesty is wonderful for those that are ready and willing to hear it. But many people have such a hard time hearing these things.

I think it is very understandable that you not write about it for right now, but please know that Dora and Beth, and your entire family are in our thoughts.

Permalink 08/30/07 @ 22:03

Comment from: Coley S. [Member]

· http://unplanned-pregnancy.adoptionblogs.com/

This is off topic, but those are really cute flip flops in the picture, Nancy!

Permalink 08/31/07 @ 02:08

Comment from: Mabel03 [Member]

Nancy, in the past 10 years, I've entered 3 worlds that are not discussed in public by many people, worlds people want to hide away: the first was infertility and miscarriage. Many wanted to know "how far along" to apparently see if it was worth validating the loss. If it had only been one day along, it was still a loss. The second is mental illness. Many want to know the diagnosis, and with RAD, people are wanting to call it anything but RAD. Adding to this is the frustration of the totally normal behavior in public and the volatile, vile behavior with us. The last one, regretfully, is disruption/dissolution. Many want to know all the details of why and where we are in the decision making and see us as big losers, quitters, failures, people with no parenting skills.

It is so easy to judge others or to want them to just not talk about something that is not cheerful and pleasant. But each of these worlds is quite real, and keeping any of them under covers and treating them like a disease or a crime is just not helpful or healthy.

I loved each of your posts, Nancy, and will miss hearing of this journey. But I know this: you will do the best you can, and from all that you've written thus far, you will do GREAT.

We have not known each other very long, but you have so much reached out a hand to us in crisis that I think you are the bee's knees.

It saddens me, but I respect why you withdrew the threads. I am sure it is a huge risk to take any child from any disruption, but I am glad people like you who understand the RAD world are willing to give children another chance. Thank you!!

Permalink 08/31/07 @ 04:46

Comment from: dubbamom [Member]

I was learning so much from your posts. I'm very disappointed that because of ONE person, I won't be able to follow "Dora's" journey and continue to learn from it.

Is there anyone to block this person's IP or address? Can you just remove any of his/her comments? I for one don't care if you choose to erase their comments.

Permalink 08/31/07 @ 05:40

Comment from: Kathleenb [Member]

((Nancy)) Like many others, I'll still be here reading what you're able to share. Do what you can do, what you need to do, to take care of yourself and your family (Dora included) first.

We live a world that is so misunderstood by those who haven't walked a mile in our shoes.

Permalink 08/31/07 @ 07:36

Comment from: paulukon [Member]

I'm a supporter as well. I find it amazing that someone could be interested in adoption, but thinks that disruption should not happen. Ummm...essentially that's what happens in any adoption. Someone decides (or has decided for them due to their inaction or actions) that they cannot parent a child and finds other parents (or has an agency find them). Yes, it's sad that some adoptions don't finalize, but that's part of life. I think it is so wonderful that Dora may have found her forever family with you. Or, if she doesn't, that you make a wonderful foster family for her in the meantime!

Permalink 08/31/07 @ 07:46

Comment from: Susan Kuchinskas [Member]

Nancy, it's so important that people hear what you have to say. I don't fault your decision to pull the posts; but please realize that, not only is your work with kids so important, but sharing your experiences with other people can help change society.

Rest, recover, heal. Thanks for what you do!

Permalink 08/31/07 @ 09:38

Comment from: Katrina [Member]

Nancy,

Echoing all of your supporters here! Your honesty about tough subjects is what makes you such a valuable part of the adoption community. You are an awesome mom and I know Dora will be safe in your family and will have the opportunity to become healthy as well. Sending hugs for all of you!!

Trina

Permalink 08/31/07 @ 10:32

Comment from: NCOZADD@aol.com [Member]

If you don't have the wherewithall to deal with those who are less than supportive of your continuing efforts to help Dora.... then let us do it. That is what friends are for!

{{{{Nancy}}}} But you are correct.... if someone decides to take it a step further, and say or do something in an attempt to derail a situation where you (and others) are giving every effort to act in the best interests of this darling girl, well.... there is only so much that we can do to help.

Be safe, be happy, be well.... and know that there are many here pulling for you, with positive thoughts and sincere prayer.

Permalink 08/31/07 @ 11:31

Comment from: Cindy Bodie [Member]

· http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com

I'd been interested in all you had to say as well, I'm sorry that you won't be sharing this at the moment, but I truly understand.

Permalink 09/01/07 @ 15:27

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