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I had a very interesting discussion with Katherine Leslie when I finally got out of central Missouri and back into Sprint cell phone range on my way back from buying a horse … We were talking about assessing a child for the capacity to attach.
Katherine said if one thought the child had the ability to attach, it was only a matter of “sitting and waiting around for them to make the leap.” I asked her how she made that assessment? I said I had waited around forever for Amy to make the leap, and she never did. I kept thinking “One of these days she’ll figure this out … one of these days she’ll realize what she has here …” But that day never came.
Katherine said she looks for “secondary and tertiary attachment behaviors.” By that she meant she looks to see if the child has any behaviors or demonstrates any awareness that signal he or she knows how to give back. Does he buy birthday gifts? Does she do nice things for other people spontaneously, with no expectations in return? Does the child exhibit any understanding of reciprocity anywhere along the way?
Katherine believes a child can have attachment issues with primary caretakers (and therefore not be a securely attached child) but still have examples of some relational success elsewhere in their lives. And if that relational ability is evident, they have the capacity to make a deeper connection to someone else. Whether they choose to do that or not is another matter, but the capacity is there. How much they are willing to risk, how willing they are to “go deep” and be vulnerable, is a personal, independent decision.
If I look back upon Amy’s childhood, I don’t see any evidence of secondary or tertiary attachment behaviors. The closest thing I can come to is she used to occasionally brush my hair. I always felt like it was because we watched TV while she was doing it and that was the draw. But there was an occasional time or two that I thought maybe she did it because it was a “safe” way for her to “give back”. But as for birthdays, other holidays, any kind of general let-me-do-something-for-you behavior … either she did nothing or it was mechanical or it was self-satisfying. I really don’t think she grasps the “giving back” part.
Primary, secondary, tertiary attachment behaviors … what do you see in your home?
Attachment and Bonding 101, The Basics
Photo Credit
(The rainbow represents the primary colors and the rainbow at the end if you get attachment to occur!)
