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I receive a plethora of electronic newsletters. I just wish I had 48 hours in each day so I could read them all carefully. Anyway, one that is very valuable and very quick to read is the Love & Logic Insider’s Club. This week’s topic was The Path to Positive Self-Concept.
Since there are suggestions all over the email that you can forward it to friends, I’m going to forward it to LOTS of friends! Here’s what it says:
Over the past three decades, psychologists have placed huge emphasis on the importance of having a positive self-concept. Rightly so! How we feel about ourselves may be the single most important factor affecting how motivated we are to succeed in school, the types of friends we select, the person we marry, etc.
Due to its undisputed importance, people have spent tremendous energy trying different approaches to give kids good self-concepts. Listed below are just a few of the many tactics that have created selfish kids rather than ones with a good sense of self:
• Constant praise
• Ensuring that they are always the center of attention
• Making sure that they never encounter any hardships
• Buying them everything they want
• Rescuing them from the consequences of their misbehavior
• Setting no limits so that they can “express their creativity”There’s only one approach that really works, and it’s based on the following age-old truism:
The best way to feel good is to do something good.When parents place a high emphasis on good and respectful behavior, children look at themselves and think, “I act pretty darn good and responsible. I must be pretty darn good and responsible.”
True self-concept is developed when children encounter struggles, are taught how to overcome these struggles, and see themselves acting in respectful and responsible ways. Stated quite simply, self-concept is an inside job.
I wanted to share this tidbit with you in its entirety, for a couple of reasons. First, it is a great little weekly snippet of wisdom, and I encourage you to subscribe. Second, I’m still ruminating on the Virginia Tech thing… and even more so now that the media is showing the true depth and breadth of Cho’s pathology as evidenced by the package he sent to NBC.
As one of his professor’s noted earlier, Cho was very insecure. And clearly very angry.
Bear with me here, because you are going to think I am making a quantum leap between subjects, but I promise to connect the dots…
Amy is also very, very insecure. She has no sense of self worth—none whatsoever, no matter how many times we tried to convince her she has value.
Theresa wrote a great blog about adoptees having no sense of self worth, and used a wonderful story about a $20 bill.
Amy, however, is not a violent person. Not at all. She turns her anger and sadness inward, towards herself, and punishes herself in a myriad of ways. Although she punishes people around her with her behavior, that is not her direct intent most of the time. They are just casualties of her persistent self-loathing.
When I do workshops, I talk about how different children react differently to abusive or neglectful childhood experiences. Some kids cling to mom’s leg and never try anything… others become major risk-takers and daredevils, with no concern for their safety at all. Kids with appropriate boundaries provided for them learn to be risk-takers in the safety net of their supportive family… the in-between, desirable place to be.
Almost all serial killers are men. Rarely does a woman internalize and express rage as violently as men can do. So while Amy and Cho shared a total lack of self-esteem, their responses to that deficit are completely different. But how similar are the origins of their self-loathing?
What more are we going to learn about Cho? Was he an abused child? Is this organic mental illness? Where did his rage originate? When one examines the childhood histories of the most notorious serial killers, you usually find common elements of abusive or neglectful childhood environments.
What I’m trying to say, and I’m not sure I’m doing a very good job of it, is that some people are more prone to taking their anger and rage out violently than others… and there is definitely a gender bias for that as well.
The “self-esteem” scale consists of many, many increments. Some people are pompous, some are invisible, and many are in-between. But I like the Love and Logic explanation of how to encourage the development of healthy self esteem. I blogged about it once before right here.
Self esteem is a huge issue, for it dictates a great deal of our behavior.
The premise behind Love and Logic is that “real life” gives consequences so better for a parent to give consequences when it’s related to small things so that the child learns their lessons and avoids the consequences of bigger things in “real life.”
Well, guess what? Case #1 – no consequences here from “real life” for this young man. And look what happened.
Perhaps it’s time to look BEYOND CONSEQUENCES to really heal our children rather than simply punishing them with the velvet-gloved fist called “consequences.” Heather Forbes and Bryan Post wrote a great book to tell parents how. It’s simple, but it’s not easy.
Logical consequences are a fact of life. Cheat on your spouse… there are consequences. Don’t pay your taxes…. there are consequences. Drive without a license or insurance… there are consequences.
The Virginia Tech killer grew up in his family of origin. He became who he was in that family. If his parents were trying to “heal him”, that has yet to come to light. Perhaps it will… but as I said, he started with them… If legitimate, appropriate consequences had been placed upon him when he stalked women or started fires, perhaps this tragedy could have been averted. He would still be one very sick man, and perhaps his rage would have gone elsewhere. But clearly, he was able to GET AWAY WITH a great deal… with no real consequences… and look what happened.
That picture amuses me…
It seems there isn’t enough middle ground between STRICT AGGRESSIVE discipline and none at all…
But those points about self esteem were very good.
Not necessarily. How many people have cheated on their spouse with no consequences? How many times have you been speeding on a highway with no consequences? How many people cheat on their taxes with no consequences?