The other day I spoke with a mom on the phone who had adopted sibs from Eastern Europe. One child was doing fine, but the other one was not. The older child was in respite at a home that “sort of” understood the dynamics, but not really. This child has threatened mom’s life, in the presence of Dad, and Mom was still shouldering 200% of the burden for making big decisions about the boy’s future and the family’s future. Like so many moms before her, she was in tears on the phone. In one of her emails to me, she said:

When you say you wish we were the first ones (in a situation like this), are you saying that you are in touch regularly with adoptive families, that this seems to come to a head quickly, that you have seen families at wits' end, not knowing what to do, or all of the above? Shouldn't there be some sort of group if this is more common than I thought? The intervention team who was here Friday a week ago said they see a few of these a week. Isn't that an awful lot of folks grasping at straws without a lot of clear guidance?

Yes, it is an awful lot of folks grasping at straws, looking for guidance. Which is why I keep harping that we all need to come together, as a unified group of parents who are not getting our needs met nor the many needs of our kids. We need to find each other in whatever geographical region we happen to be, and go with each other to IEP meetings or be in each others’ homes when DFS shows up at our door. It is much harder to dismiss us if we are not just one family crying out in the dark. And to that end, there is a group ... the Attachment & Trauma Network! (Have you joined and added your two cents to our cry?)


This mom continues in one of her emails, saying …

I am hoping and praying so much that there is a good answer for all this, but I just don't see any happy ending, any hope, any chance of change. I have committed two years of love, medical appointments, academic help, encouragement, planned nutritious meals, playdates, family adventures, nurturing, advice, guidance, and on and on into this and although I never expected or desired to be thanked for rescuing anyone, I did expect to receive some level of respect and kindness and to be treated as an adult member of the family. Instead, I feel that my "person-ness" has been stripped away by (this child). In his world, I have no right to speak to him about anything he says, does, or plans. And that is a scary place, when I realize that although I have been structured, predictable, consistent, and firm when needed, he has no desire to see me in charge. He is in charge of this home when he is here, and it is not a safe, healthy, or good place.

How many of us can relate to this? I know I can. We try with every fiber of our being to make a difference in a child’s life, and it is rejected. And yet, I sat at our conference last week and listened to the adult adoptees speak of their struggles, and how they simply can’t hear or receive what we are sending. But then again, Beth does. So what is the answer here? How much of this is choice, how much is genetics, how much is who knows what?


Janet Keall told me after reading this post that Amy’s “handling” of the apartment rent was exactly what Janet did at that age. And how Janet’s parents were very frustrated but that nothing her parents said or did would have made any difference. And Pat Johnston commented the same thing … how she expects her child to be in the same situation shortly … even after acquiring a college degree. My husband plans to tell Amy today that in order to spend as she is currently spending yet still pay rent and feed herself, she will need to keep her spending the same and double her hours at work, bringing her to about 60-65 hours a week. She might understand that, whereas she wouldn’t understand someone saying, “You need to be earning $40,000 a year to live as you are living.” This is so far over her head, although we did everything we could to prepare her. I bought her this amazing book a couple of years ago, but I suspect she doesn’t even know where it is. (I saw it at a conference and it is really a great tool!)


More coming on this mom’s particular story. I am sure many of you will completely echo her thoughts.

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