A few posts ago I addressed the issue of tantrums. My favorite term for it is meltdown. I think that word adequately describes what is occurring in most cases.


One reader wondered how to differentiate between anger or sadness induced meltdowns versus those perhaps motivated by a need for drama. Another part of the reader’s question focused on how to access feelings after the meltdown.


We have all seen children who are “spoiled” in the purest sense of the word—kids who “melt down” because they don’t get their way. In families that tend to produce children who behave in that fashion, it is true that a very small amount of “drama” can often produce significant results for the little actor or actress.


Most of the children who have been in my home have not been spoiled, to say the least. Many of them have, however, had a huge sense of entitlement. Their view that the world owes them is often reflected in their behavior. Nevertheless, most of the rages I have seen have been borne of a deep anger or sadness that has not been addressed. Often a catalyst for this rage is the child not getting what they think they want, thus mimicking the spoiled child tantrum. But the depth of the pain and rage far exceeds a little actor or actress’s attempt at manipulation.


If your child is melting down, start by describing the behavior. If you have some clue about what stress or crisis precipitated the meltdown, tell your child. “Honey, obviously you are very angry. You think your anger is because I wouldn’t let you have a cookie before dinner. But what you are really angry about might be because you are remembering how you had to find your own dinner (and often that was cookies) when you lived with Mom Jane … because she didn’t do a good job of meeting your needs and you were hungry. Little girls shouldn’t have to find their own dinner …”


To be continued...


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