Continuing on the discussion about some of the parameters for parenting traumatized kids…one thing I hear often that really, really bothers me is the concept that structure and nurture cannot coexist. Nothing could be further from the truth. Some people who read Nancy Thomas’s literature but do not have the opportunity to see her in person often miss the incredible amount of nurture and caring that exudes from her. I doubt I have met a more caring, compassionate and child-focused individual in my life. But she can sure dole out the structure, too. The two parameters are not mutually exclusive!


As I mentioned in my previous post, Beth feels the most comfortable when there is clearly an adult in charge… an adult who is caring, compassionate, strong and unequivocal. Nancy Thomas defines it as “a steel box with a velvet lining.” How descriptive.


So much of how our parenting impacts our children is gleaned from our nonverbal messages… Consider this: If your child is playing dumb, being passive aggressive, or testing you in any one of the myriad of ways only our kids can test, and you give in or don’t realize you are being tested, you demonstrate (perhaps without even knowing you failed a test) that you are not tuned in to your child’s nuances (unaware) or not strong enough (you gave in), therefore not going to be “on duty” when he might need you. Not strong enough to keep him safe at all times.


Additionally, if you as the parent continually “dumb down” your expectations of your child, what messages are you sending? Are you telling your child he is not capable of doing something very simple? When you make a simple, basic, appropriate request and your child doesn’t comply, and you cave in, you are telling him you are not strong enough to parent, he is not capable enough to perform, he is not worth your time and effort to insist that he perform, and a myriad of other variations along that theme.


Stephanie has told me several times how many of her friends at college have vices they attribute to their parents not having insisted they stop. They don't say it in a way that is blaming of their parents per se... more that they wish their parents had demanded better behavior. Examples include lying or swearing or other behaviors such as those. Steph and Kyle, and even Beth, have already articulated to me how they have come to realize how much time, energy and commitment went into raising them in a way that taught them respect, autonomy, manners and other social graces that will take them places.


That is not to say you dig in your heels at all costs. Sometimes you have to help your child extract himself from a hole… but you don’t do it by rescuing him or enabling him. And that can be one of the very hardest things to learn how to do.


More coming...

Photo Credit
Photo Credit Two