I’ve had some really great comments and private emails about my conditioned responses and negativity towards Amy as described in my last couple of posts… A dear friend and very wise mom sent me these words of wisdom today:
I wonder if her behavior has less to do with entitlement and more to do with her inability to perceive the world as the majority of people do. Her personality is such that she watches the world rather then participates. She wants to fit but despite good modeling, has no clue how to do that.
Amy wants to be your daughter and part of the family and still cannot, after all these years, figure out how to fit. So when she messes up, it feels like the end of the world to her as she feels that old about to be abandoned and I’m no good feeling that lives within her. And even though time after time, you’ve still let her in, she doesn’t ever feel like she belongs. If you think about it, it’s incredibly sad.
It is incredibly sad. I have tried very hard to help her open herself up to relationships… but I can’t do it for her. And so she muddles on in this peripheral, superficial, observatory relational state and nothing changes. She lived vicariously through Steph for years and years and Steph’s departure for college was a huge problem for Amy.
So now my job is to accept her exactly where she is, and I guess have no visceral reaction or emotional response to anything she says or does, or doesn’t say or doesn’t do. To do that, I have to completely block any and all past, present or future dreams or expectations. My husband says, “Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed.” I understand what my friend said above, and I think she is probably right on in her assessment. But how is this a relationship, if I have to dismiss all those past years of effort and hopes, and expect nothing in the future? I’m not arguing with anyone… I’m simply trying to figure out how to do this…
If these kids pull their sense of self out of the chaotic part of their brain and we are asking them to let go of that, doesn’t our very expectation (and everything we do) catch 22 on them?
Their comfort zone is the chaotic section of the brain. . .
We continually try to pull them out of that place. . .
This makes them feel out of control and panic and chaos grow stronger. . .
They fall deeper into the place we want to draw them out of.
In essence we are feeding the very part of them that we hope to change, by what we are trying to do to create that change.
Does this make any sense?
This post really had me thinking because it seems the more I work with my daughter some days the farther we fall behind. I wish I had some explaination for that.
Inability to percive the world as the majority of people do. That descibed my 22 year old for about 10 years. It was very frustrating for him and for me. Today he is making progress, I have no idea why, but it is wonderful to have progress.
For a long time, it felt like the harder I tried, the behinder we got.
I did have to greatly revise my expectations of another adult son. The result is that he cannot hurt me or manipulate me today. The down side is that there is no feeling to the relationship at all. Hang in there with your hopes and dreams if you can. Good luck.
John
Deb Hage’s comment that “increasing resistance increases resistance” was an epiphany for me in parenting Tony. Healthy boundaries for the rest of the family have proven to be enriching and protective. We actually enjoy Tony more when we allowed natural consequences to fall into play. We can be there for our kids, and learn that is enough. We can’t lead someone who doesn’t want to be led, nor can we force open a closed heart. But we CAN be there to see the cracks, and encourage as much love as will fit through.
All we can do is all we can do.
So when she says that she “knew what it was like doing all the work while everyone else disappeared,” maybe you could go over, give her a hug and a smile and say, “you’re right…this was your job…and I really appreciated how much you helped.” And LET IT GO. Imagine the impact on her.
Instead, you reinforce, again and again, that as your friend said “when she messes up, it feels like the end of the world to her as she feels that old about to be abandoned and I’m no good feeling that lives within her.” Because her “loving” mother insists on reminding her over and over again.
At last we all agree–it’s incredibly sad.
I disagree, Joan. I think the last thing these young adults need is someone to reinforce their messed up ideas of life in general and relationships in particular. Your approach is appropriate for ten year olds,not grown women. Grown women do not come into someone’s house and insult the hostess, not if they want to be invited back. As to your comment on ‘accepting people as they are’ God knows what would happen to society if RAD kids were accepted as they are.
I agree, eastern girl. And I said all those positive things over and over and over, any time Amy did something that warranted it…. when she was a child. But she didn’t take it in, and I couldn’t make her. She has a very warped sense of life and relationships.
I’m not surprised you disagree. Closed minded–it’s pretty clear. If that’s the way you want to live, fine. Maybe another reader will be more open minded. It has worked wonders for me and my RAD child. And others in my support network as well.
Reminds me of some famous quotes:
“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.” (Albert Einstein)
“If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you’ve always gotten.”
“It takes humility to seek feedback. It takes wisdom to understand it, analyze it, and appropriately act on it.” Stephen Covey
What sort of relationship do you want to have with your adult daughter anyway? Your way or the highway? Or is there some middle ground?
If not, you owe it to her to tell her that there’s likely no way she’ll ever live up to your expectations.
What sort of relationship do you want to have with your adult daughter anyway? Your way or the highway? Or is there some middle ground?
If not, you owe it to her to tell her that there’s likely no way she’ll ever live up to your expectations.
By the way, eastern girl, read the blog. Read what Nancy’s friend was trying, apparently in vain, to get through to her. This isn’t your typical “grown woman” going to someone’s house. If you love her, at some point, you accept her as she is.
Back from a nice walk in the rain. Here’s the best quote yet:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change
The courage to change the things I can
And the wisdom to know the difference.
You did your best, Nancy. You gave it a valiant effort. No shame in that. Maybe someday you’ll come to believe that she did as well.
I am looking forward to the new stuff you have coming up! I hope it includes an honest look at how parenting that is not based on control can be especially effective at helping RAD kids heal.
Well, Joan, I did read the blog, and I stand by what I wrote. I also don’t characterize those who disagree with me as closed-minded. Have a good day.
It is funny that someone who is trying to preach “not based on control” ideals (Joan) has totally trolled this blog with her controlling posts.
In my situation (read my first comment too) I think my daughter does see life in a radically different way than most normally do (her chaos center in the brain runs the show). She desperatly wants to fit, but she cannot seem to understand our explaining how to on even the simplest level. It is sad, and it is ok to feel mad, angry, and frustrated about it as a parent. I know I do.
We can try as hard as we can to reprogram the thinking process for these kids, but sometimes their brain is to distorted to even process the life rope dangling in front of them.
I wish I had some answers but Joan isn’t ofering any here she is just bashing.
That’s OK, Nancy. If it hurts too much to face, I understand. It’s easier to write me off as a troll than it is to admit to yourself how you feel about your daughter. It’s as plain as the paper you write on, though. Good luck to you in your own healing. I know it’s very hard. You’ve worked so hard, love so intensely and still…you can’t help what you feel.
Joan – what is this really about? You must know that RAD kids are the same in many aspects, but certainly not all, especially if there are secondary diagnosis’s such as FAS, ADHD, Aspergers, etc. I’m so glad to hear that your approach worked with your child and your support group’s children. I happen to have a child that I JUST found out has RAD (at 13) and let me tell you, we have been nothing short of supportive, loving, nurturing, etc. his entire life. We have given him chance after chance to participate in family life (every day of his life) and he chooses to go his own way. At one point I thought he just had the personality of a child who should have been an only child because I would have five children go outside and walk in one direction together and he would always head off into the opposite direction. The only child thing would never have happened since his bio-mom had six kids and we have ten so I don’t focus on that, however, no matter what we did we always had the feeling that he was on the outside looking in. Before ever reading any of these posts I came to the conclusion that he was happiest just sitting in a chair and watching. He would watch the other kids in the pool and smile and he listened to their interactions but don’t make him participate because that changed the whole dynamic and he was miserable (so he made everyone else miserable too). It’s not about being a grown up or attacking someone who deals with things in a different way than you do. It is so much easier for us to tell people what they should do when we don’t have to live with this particular kid. We should not be attacking anyone in this forum, every one of us has experienced so much negativity from the “outside world” already, why bring it here?