I’ve had some really great comments and private emails about my conditioned responses and negativity towards Amy as described in my last couple of posts… A dear friend and very wise mom sent me these words of wisdom today:
I wonder if her behavior has less to do with entitlement and more to do with her inability to perceive the world as the majority of people do. Her personality is such that she watches the world rather then participates. She wants to fit but despite good modeling, has no clue how to do that.
Amy wants to be your daughter and part of the family and still cannot, after all these years, figure out how to fit. So when she messes up, it feels like the end of the world to her as she feels that old about to be abandoned and I’m no good feeling that lives within her. And even though time after time, you’ve still let her in, she doesn’t ever feel like she belongs. If you think about it, it’s incredibly sad.
It is incredibly sad. I have tried very hard to help her open herself up to relationships… but I can’t do it for her. And so she muddles on in this peripheral, superficial, observatory relational state and nothing changes. She lived vicariously through Steph for years and years and Steph’s departure for college was a huge problem for Amy.
So now my job is to accept her exactly where she is, and I guess have no visceral reaction or emotional response to anything she says or does, or doesn’t say or doesn’t do. To do that, I have to completely block any and all past, present or future dreams or expectations. My husband says, “Expect nothing and you won’t be disappointed.” I understand what my friend said above, and I think she is probably right on in her assessment. But how is this a relationship, if I have to dismiss all those past years of effort and hopes, and expect nothing in the future? I’m not arguing with anyone… I’m simply trying to figure out how to do this…