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No matter where you live, school is in full swing by now. Some of you have probably gotten nasty letters or notes from school already. At one point in my son’s elementary school career I swore the school had us on speed dial.
I did the battle with my son. He did his homework, I checked it and had him do corrections. We fought tooth and nail. I was determined that he was going to succeed in school, but the determination was only on my part.
I did the dance until I met our attachment therapist, which was five years after he joined our family. We discussed why we kept doing this thing that wasn’t working. My determination for him to succeed was over riding our ability to form attachments. As long as Sammy had control of the situation, and he certainly did, he couldn’t heal.
The way the therapist took put it to me made so much sense. She asked me if the teachers came to my house and tried to parent my child. Of course I got indignant and said no. Then she asked me why I was trying to teach my child when he had teachers.
It was difficult but I stepped out of the battle and our home became more peaceful. It was difficult, but I did it. I let my son get Cs and Ds when he had previously gotten As and Bs, but then again he wasn’t the one getting those grades, I was. When I let go of the battle I saw that school is not important to my son and the battles were damaging what little bit of a relationship we had. School was my issue, because I knew what my son was capable of, but it was not his priority.
It’s now been four years since I stepped back and my son has done poorly and he failed the first three quarters of his freshman year of high school. The simple matter is he just doesn’t care and I can’t make him care.
We have been blessed with teachers that get it. When the school year started I would explain to his special education teacher that Sammy chose to make homework a battle and weren’t going to battle about it when he was perfectly capable of completing the assignments and achieving good grades. He qualified for gifted and talented but he did not want to put in the effort to do the work. The teachers held him accountable and we did not punish him for anything that happened to school. The teachers handled the discipline and that part of our relationship got better.
We want our kids to succeed. That’s part of being a parent. No one goes into parenting hoping that their child will drop out of high school and take a minimum wage job. Let’s be realistic. However, when the school portion gets in the way of forming a relationship with our child, it’s time to step back and re-think things. Let the teachers teach and you be the parent.
My child has been diagnosed with RAD and I am going through the hoemwork battle with her. After several years of arguing with her about her grades and responsibility in school I have finally realized it will not change her attitude and stance on not doing her homework. My psychologist, however, is recommending I continue with the punishsment for not doing her homework but not to force her to do it. After reading your blog I can sympathize with your decision to not make it a battle at home. I wouls appreciate any more advis on this. Thank You
Our son has RAD and several other diagnoses that I disagree with. He is 12 years old and spent 11 of his years in and out of foster care. We finalized his adoption this past July. He struggled so much with school and we can totally relate to the issues surrounding homework and fighting to get him to realize his own potential. Our solution has been to pull him from school and homeschool him. Now, I know this is not a realistic or even smart idea for many kids and for many parents but I thought I would share our successes. Our son, T, has done miraculously well with homeschooling. He thrives with the attention paid to each lesson. It really is a bonding time for us each day and he is learning so quickly. In public school he was confined to the resource room because of his behaviors (many and varied). He felt like everyone thought he was stupid and couldn’t do the work. I felt like they thought that too. I tried to address the issues with no luck, so we pulled him. He has gone from barely reading at all to reading whole books on his own in just one semester’s time. We still battle with his self esteem and the constant nagging voice in his head telling him he isn’t smart enough or good enough but now when that monster rears it’s ugly head, we can address it immediately and then follow it up with an educational success, confirming that the voice is wrong. Often, I struggle with being with T 24/7 but I always come back to the major success I’m seeing and decide to stay the course. Our second son is nine and is moving in at the end of December. One of the things he is most excited about in our home is that he will be able to homeschool. I think he is excited that someone wants to spend that much time with him. I think they both are. As for socialization, we live in Wichita and have a great homeschool community. T plays soccer, basketball and runs track. There is a robotics team that teaches engineering and builds robots that compete each spring. T goes to church and to AWANA and he is quite close to our cousin’s kids, all of whom are homeschooled. He is not lacking in social interaction and is learning to interact with people of all ages. He volunteers with me at the church and at a local thrift shop in the inner city. He is actually excited about the upcoming election and watches the debates with us. This is from a child who, six months ago, refused to read a 3rd grade level reader. Homeschooling has been an amazing gift for everyone in our family.
Sorry for the length!
if you are logical the punishment for not doing homework is a bad grade. No need for you to repunish. I guess I would ask myself is punishing him fornot doing homework making it easier or harder to attach? Your job is the relationship building.
Usually punishmenets that are added on to logical consequences interfere with attachment.
My daughter would sit for hours and not do her homework, yet all work given during the school day was completed without a problem. After having her tested we found she was actually so far ahead, she was bored to tears doing the homework and prefered to escape the boredum living in her imaginary world.
Once she skipped a grade and the teacher understood the importance of her being challenged all the time, life is much easier!
We also make her journal about three feelings she experienced during the day before any t.v. time. Then we review the feelings and discuss how the anger and frustration may be a cover for something else. I share with her how I feel when similar things happen.
A year later, she is better able to identify her thoughts and feelings and has learned to stop and think before allowing frustration to overcome her.
My other daughter is a totally different story…no two RAD kids are the same.
Best of luck to everyone!