This post generated several comments, so I thought I would take this opportunity to respond to one of them.


One reader has this to say:

I have to admit I feel the hair on my neck stand up every time you mention structure. I hear strict and military-like. Please define what you mean by structure. My life is as structured as I can make it, but sometimes bedtimes slip or meals are on the fly or whatever.

I remember dinners around my family table occurring like clockwork in my childhood. My dad arrived home (often on a bus, which was pretty scheduled) and we ate around 6 PM every night. We seldom ate out. My husband never arrives home before 6 PM, and closer to 7 PM is often the norm. Beth swims three nights a week and has to be there at 6 or 6:30. It is often just the two of us for dinner, or last year when we had our foreign exchange student, three of us. We certainly didn’t consume gourmet meals … on the fly is a much more accurate description.


I’m not sure why me talking about structure results in a hair-raising experience, but perhaps it will help for me to describe what that means to me. It means the hierarchy in the family stays the same at all times. There are no times where I, as a parent, find myself subordinate in any capacity to my kids.


Under no circumstances was I allowed to speak or act disrespectfully to my parents. (The only exception I ever had to that rule as a kid was when I was showing my horse and my mom was my “groom”. She knew I was “wired” and she cut me just a little slack in my tone to her … but I knew better than to push my luck!) Respect for your elders is a basic tenement of structure.


My vote never overrode my parents' vote. Under no circumstances was my family of origin a child-centered home. Neither is mine. There is no question that Dad and Mom are in charge. That doesn't mean my vote wasn't solicited upon occasion, or that my opinion didn't matter--simply that I was by no means the central figure in the decision-making process. Neither are my kids the axis upon which the family turns. Their vote and their feelings matter, but in the context of the family as a whole.


Structure means that infractions to expectations always meet with consequences … not just when Mom or Dad has the energy or motivation to follow through. Do you know what that translates into for our kids? It says, “I care about you enough, and I think you are valuable enough, to expend the physical and emotional energy necessary to see to it that you do as I have asked you to do, and as you are capable of doing.” So that sends powerful messages of value and competence. Additionally, it teaches accountability, cause and effect thinking, persistence and perseverance, and pride in a job well done.


Structure is not military boot camp. The most “benign” of moms can run a structured home. I read Cindy Bodie’s posts all the time and she seems to me to be one of the most Southern belle, roll-with-the-punches moms you will ever find, but I’ll betcha she’s structured! She’s making up some of it as she goes along, but a lot of it is a book that has already been written!


More coming on some of the other comments ...

Steel box with a velvet lining

Confidence and competence


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