In my recent blogs about Dora and her manure moving, a reader inquired how to get a teenager to work when they refused to do anything. You can’t make someone work. I wanted Amy to get a job on her own as soon as she turned 16, but of course she had no intentions of doing so. My husband and I arranged her first couple of jobs, at age 14 and 15. When she did nothing to make it happen, I told her in the real world, when you don’t work you don’t eat in the style to which she was accustomed. I said she could have all the peanut butter and jelly, fresh fruit and veggies, and milk she wanted … but nothing else until she found a job. She went six months and did nothing. I finally arranged for the son of a friend of mine to take Amy to her bank, and withdraw $30 to pay him to walk her through the mall collecting job applications. Another friend took her back for interviews (Amy cleaned her car in return) and Kyle took her back one day as well (she cleaned Kyle’s room for him.) She got a job.


Now Amy is learning the same lesson without me choreographing it.


I would suggest to the mom who asked about what to do with her oppositional teen that mom provide the basic necessities of life and nothing else. No input = minimal output on the part of the family. Until our kids emancipate, we have obligations to support them, but that doesn’t have to be steak and potatoes. (Nor does it automatically include family vacations, cars, electronic goodies, etc!) Our job is to prepare them for the real world, and in the real world, no work is a sorry state of affairs.


With regards to Bipette’s question about examples of messages of competence and confidence, given through the back door … the above scenario is one example. If a teenage boy is not working, and nothing is said or done that sends a message that he is expected to contribute, he might as well be told he is not capable of contributing. Whether or not he does contribute is up to him … but not to expect it if he is physically able to do it sends a very defeatist message.


Messages of competence and confidence are more about the big picture than individual interactions. It is an overall approach that reflects a parent’s belief that a child has all the tools they need to succeed. Directly telling a child they are capable of doing something might convince that child they need to prove you wrong. But dumbing down your expectations because they don’t want to perform sends all the wrong messages.


So tying both questions together … expect your oppositional kids to contribute, and logically consequence them when they don’t. Don’t allow them to freeload with no consequences. If you think your child is capable of accomplishing a particular task or goal, don’t sell them short.


Peanut butter paralysis Part One

Peanut butter paralysis Part Two


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