Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD Blog - The apple rolled a long way from our tree

09/26/07

The apple rolled a long way from our tree

Posted by : Nancy Spoolstra in Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog at 07:42 am , 468 words, 185 views
Categories: My family

Both Kyle and Stephanie have checked in lately with Amy. Kyle called before any of us knew what was happening, and he was shocked at the abrupt and chilly reception he received. Of course, he was at that time clueless why Amy was responding in such a fashion, but it made more sense to him as the events of this past week unfolded.

Steph called Amy Monday night and the conversation went nowhere. Steph described Amy as "hard" all the way through the conversation. No surprise, I am painted as the major bad guy for interfering in Amy’s life, with a partial nod to my husband’s “meddling” as well. When Steph pointed out the fact that Amy might be in jail for paying no rent, and that my husband had bailed her out, Amy said that was different. I guess that kind of interference is acceptable. Frankly, it would be fine with me if she moved far enough away that no one found us and informed us what she was doing. If she is so ready to be on her own, make it so.

SPONSOR

Amy has apparently replayed her well-rehearsed sob story about how she “hasn’t had any breaks” and “her family dumped her” so many times that she forgot she was talking to her sister the other night … because she gave Steph some of the same stories. Of course, Steph knew the accurate version. Steph also had the impression that now that Amy has a boyfriend, he can be her “family” and she no longer needed to “make nice” with the siblings. Unquestionably, Amy has been more reticent to burn sibling bridges than she has been to cut all pretenses with my husband or me.

The reason my husband shared the comment that Amy made to Tommy was because I asked my husband if Amy’s adamant refusal to contact us stemmed more from her hatred of us or from any recognition on her part that all that we had feared was coming true. It was only a flash-in-the-pan thought … the answer really didn’t change anything. I just wondered. My husband said it was the former … and he shared that “we have nothing in common but our hatred of our parents” comment as an example of why he believed that.

Part of me is so incredibly numb over all of this, and part of me is still trying to grasp how someone who grew up in this household, with all the love and opportunities and support that were offered and available, could end up so manipulative, so angry, so full of hate, so full of self-loathing, and so unbelievably different from all that was ever modeled or represented in our home. That is the question we all ask, isn’t it?

Photo Credit

22 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: nancyderen [Member]

Years from now she still may turn out ok. Lots of kids don't mature till mid to late 20's or later- the brain is still developing up to age 25. You've done so much. I pray for you that it works out eventually. You are doing wonderful work with Beth and Dora, and this blog is wonderful work that helps so many of us.

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 07:53

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

Nancy, you have a tender heart. This situation with Amy has got to be just about killing you. Thinking of you, it's hard to know my friend is hurting.......

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 08:04

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

Too many more comments like yours, Sue, and I'll be a puddle on the floor. I AM hurting, on so many fronts, but sadly, I have become far too used to having to pigeon-hole my feelings about Amy and what she says and does. I told my husband yesterday that Amy has even surpassed my expectations in terms of how low she would go or how venomous she can get. It is just so incredibly sad, for so many, many reasons.

I really do appreciate all the supportive feedback you all have been providing.

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 08:08

Comment from: Brad [Member]

· http://bradadoption.blogspot.com/

I am convinced that some of this is ingrained from the birth family. I will bet she is very similar to her birthfamily. I don't know how character traits like this can be genetic, but I am becoming convinced they are.

We continue to have an ongoing connection to the birthfather of our children and I am starting to realize that he has many of the same characteristics. While he seems to be working with us, that is almost certainly just a method to accomplish his goal of having some contact with the children remaining at home. I am not sure he even realizes what he does, but I think he, like our children, will tell us whatever we want to here. Is it any surprise that all the other children do the same?

The big struggle we face is to navigate the time with our remaining daughter (the youngest of the 4) at home, hopefully until she turns 18, rather than the 17 that has become the time to bail from our house. (Legal in Texas.)

Brad

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 08:10

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

It hurts the most when they (the Amy's of our families) take potshots at our loved ones. How much we would like to be wrong about the reality. Love on Kyle and Steph as they go through this time. They are still at a fragile, vulnerable developmental stage too. Your support to them as they grasp the fullness of the situation will be important. Go ahead and have that big cry. Wait until Larry is there tho.....

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 08:24

Comment from: NCOZADD@aol.com [Member]

{{{{Nancy}}}} Of course there is a part of you that is numb through all of this.... you still have the heart of a mother, no matter what your children do. The fact that you have children who have been able to grow into responsible and loving adults shows that you did all you could do for ALL of your kids. But, as you know, their choices are their choices. You and Larry did all that you could do to love Amy unconditionally, and teach her to reach her potential. What she has chosen to do with those lessons is on her - not her parents.

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 08:38

Comment from: Kelly [Member]

· http://fost-adopt.adoptionblogs.com

Nancy, I know how hard you have tried with Amy. I know your decision is a difficult one. Our nature as moms is to "protect" our children, but Amy so obviously does not want any part of it.

I know you love her and I know you're hurting. You are doing what is best for her, no matter how hard it is.

Hugs to you my dear friend.

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 09:19

Comment from: pat johnston [Member]

· http://www.perspectivespress.com

And more hugs, Nancy. It hurts even to be watching this train wreck!

I've sat here for a long time wondering whether to post or to write to you privately. The dilemma for me when I "disagree" with something in your blog is that the piece of me that is an educator of adoptive families struggles with the piece of me who is just your friend about whether to share the disagreement publicly. The educator won out this time.

Knowing you for so long, I can completely understand (and even identify with) why, after you had heard from this young man's mother and understood that there was great vulnerability in this kid and possibly some dysfunction in that family, too, you felt compelled to talk to the guy. Because you are so about helping wounded birds, you wanted to help him save himself from Amy's profound dysfunction with your warnings about how unable she has been to receive love.(I'm going to assume that part of that monologue to him included explaining WHY she has these problems.)

In my opinion, though, the problem with your having taken this approach is that it likely to result in yet another very hot piece in Amy's arsenal of how YOU have "wronged" her.

A parent's primary job isn't to save others from our adult children, is it?. Shouldn't it be to continue to try to help the young adult save herself from herself?

If this young man does indeed leave NOW rather than after having learned on his own the very hard and painful (and probably expensive) lesson about people with problems like Amy's, what will AMY have learned?

She will have learned NOTHING at all about herself. Instead, her opinion (wrong as it may be) that you have spent her life with you trying the change who she is, to mold her into something you would find more acceptable and punishing her for not being who you want her to be is just reinforced! You "ruin her chance at love" and become a "badder guy" then you have ever been up to this point. You reinforce that she can't trust YOU, and I think you still want her to feel that she could trust you once she's leapt that adolescent hurdle that gives adults the opportunity to reevaluate and reframe their earlier experiences.

Let go and change tactics here. If he stays, stay away from the relationship. If he bails on her, promise yourself that you won't be the trigger for that happening ever again.

Pat

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 10:16

Comment from: Cerise [Member]

I think I know at least three Amys in my family and the sole female one was never comfortable with her bio parents or her bio siblings because she was raised by relatives as a paid boarder until the age of 8. How is that for attachment issues. She had a hostile relationship with her family and she said they couldn't wait to get rid of her. This was back in the days of courtship to marriage with no cohabitation in between. Her husband said he didn't know what she was really like until they were married and then it was too late. He never divorced her. She never worked and liked to shop and wasn't an attentive homemaker nor a kind parent. I thought she just had narcissistic personality disorder but her issues with her family are definitely attachment related. BUT her doted upon younger brother who was never separated from his preferential parents was loving yet resentful of his parents and has also demonstrated an inability to really bond with people. He doesn't reciprocate affection the few times we have done something for him and he is resentful when he does something for him. The main reason I think he is an Amy is the either user or used position. He will work all the hours at work as Amy has been asked to do and he gets no true regard in return for the accommodation. If Amy is ike the first person I mentioned then I wish someone had told my father what Amy was really like and tried to talk him out of it because my mother cast a shadow on my father's life. He did think it odd that his family was cool about the wedding and after she left, they sold all her belongings for movie tickets. I guess the whole family is respectable but emotionally violent and dumb. Also, I suspect they have some form of autism. The third Amy in my life is my congenitally impaired brother who keeps up a smiling face especially in the face of his fierce mother but if he doesn't get what he wants from you, he really has no use for you. I have excused his resentment in the past because my mother really did a number on him and he must repress his anger and frustration in the face of her stormy temper. However, I can see that separated from his mother someday will be good for him but he will always seek her out because he needs to attach but he is not grateful which infuriates someone who does not like to be needed even more.

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 10:58

Comment from: Cerise [Member]

Taking care of my brother made me not want to have kids of my own but reading this blog has me 50/50. I realize there are typos in the previous post and I hope you can interpret through them. I apologize for them. I spent the last few years staying with my family because I wanted to give my brother my presence. I discovered that he had been having seizures and so he finally got treatment for epilepsy. When he seizes, she remains seated as if she doesn't notice but if there is some commotion outside in the street, she is quick to rush to the window. I'm resigned to my brother having no use for me other than as a barrier and a prop but I was chilled when he came home angry at his friend who has been almost maternal towards him cooking him many homecooked meals and including him in her social life because while still friendly with him, she and her husband have drifted away and did not include him in a party. I told him that she was growing up and he should still be grateful for everything that she has done for him and think well of her and he snorted angrily at me and said that he and she were equal in terms of what they have given the friendship. I disagree with that and I see something about him I do not like.

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 11:05

Comment from: Cerise [Member]

I also want to add that my brother was not ready at 18 to be cut loose although I probably wanted to then because he is mentally and emotionally immature. It took a lot of abuse from both the Amys in my house to get him to consider the jobs he ended up working at for five years plus and which he is still doing today. Working was of great value to him although the pay is too low and he is exhausted. For the last few years, I have propped him by thinking about his clothes, his grooming, his bedroom situation and basically being his servant because he was unable to think through the abuse and other issues to take care of himself. I think that I did do some lasting good but it cost me a great deal personally. The incident with his friend however is a turning point for me. I had been thinking there wasn't more to be done anyway since lately I have tried to implement a new twist to our relationship that he has failed to do for the last two months i.e. thank me everytime I have a prepared a meal for him.

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 11:15

Comment from: Lindy [Member]

Nancy.... we mothers will always hurt when our children are hurting (either themselves or others). We may understand it in our head, but our hearts ache for them and for us. I think that it's extremely difficult to totally erase that dream of one day they will "wake up" and realize that we are the good guys. We just have to keep dreaming new dreams, with new people. We can't turn back the clock and make things right for our RADs. We have to replace those dreams. It's so very sad.

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 11:39

Comment from: mmarschner [Member]

I am sorry for your pain with this Nancy. And for your other children. You are all in my thoughts.

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 13:30

Comment from: Deb Donatti [Member]

· http://open.adoptionblogs.com

((((Nancy))))
Honestly this scares the cr@#$%p out of me.
I see your situation with Amy so much like what my daughter's birthfamily went through with her birthmom. When you figure in that our daughter has RAD issues, and is patterning some of these behaviors already, well it makes me wonder if we are fighting a no-win battle.
I do think Pat Johnson has some great advice & I am going to file it away just in case we too end up facing those things we are now working so hard to avoid.
One bright light here is the inspiration and support, like that you have offered others for so long, appears to be here for YOU now, in the form of your friends and other parents.
Please lean on it, people do care.

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 13:55

Comment from: Cindy Bodie [Member]

· http://older-child.adoptionblogs.com

Many of my children, hitting adulthood, have gone through long periods of estrangement from me, coming back around eventually when they feel like it.

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 14:17

Comment from: dubbamom [Member]

I'm thinking about the title "The Apple Falling From the Tree". Nurture vs. Nature. Let's face it, poor people all over the world, do NOT put their children up for adoption. In most cases it's not just poverty. I'd love to know how many children end up in the US Foster Care System and Foreign Orphanages because something was wrong with their parent(s) beyond poverty. Mental illnesses, mood disorders, poor abilitity to cope, or learning issues, could have contributed to our children being put up for adoption in the first place. Throw in poor prenatal care, alcohol/drug abuse during pregnancy, neglect or abuse, in orphananges, trauma, and it's a recipe for brain functioning disaster. Sorting out many of our children's issues, is a challenge for the best psychiatrists and AT's in the country. We are starting with unhealthy, rotten, bruised apples to begin with. How much power do we really have to heal our apples? What if our apples can't or won't heal?

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 14:46

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

There is a lot of truth to this, Dubbamom. When hubby and I were married, we wereyoung and poor. Very poor. From a strictly financial perspective. When we had our first child, we were still poor. Still poor when our second child came along, and the third. We never once considered placing any of them for adoption, nor did our financial status determine how much we valued them, or the way we parented them. By the time our fourth child arrived on the scene, we were no longer poor. The only difference then was we did use a small number of disposable diapers, versus only cloth. That's it. Oh, and the fourth had a few more "cute" clothes. Far less need for them tho, hand me downs worked quite well......

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 15:07

Comment from: betsmom [Member]

Hi Nancy,
I think that Amy is old enough and educated enough to make her choices and live with them. If she falls on her butt and is lonely and alone that is up to her. You have done EVERYTHING possible for her. So hold up both hands over your head and say "All Done!"
Having said that, I still believe that there is always the possiblility that she will mature and grow up and have a good life. It's in her hands.
Smile at the love all around you. I have been told horses are good for the soul so go love on one of them. :)
Missy

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 16:05

Comment from: CREAMPUFF_SUGAR [Member]

nancy,

thank you for being REAL. Compound Amy's decision with the view from the OUTside of you-know-what-because-THEY-say-it-so-much, you are displaying for all of us living our lives in less of a spotlight the courage and pain and heartache of risk all, feeling like you have lost all, and still perservering.

may the God of all comfort hide you under His protective wing and especially now.

patricia

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 16:48

Comment from: scrapsbynobody [Member]

· http://scrapsbynobody.blogspot.com/

Like Cindy B says, they often fly away, and eventually fly back. The most important thing is that you know deep down in your heart, that if and when that time really comes, and Amy does in fact genuinely come looking for her Mom, you will fly to her with open arms. OK. Maybe you'll cautiously fly, but if you even suspect it's real, you won't be able to resist for long.

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 17:43

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

Every time she has thrown me any kind of a bone, I have come running. But she'd take the bone away as fast as she offered it. But yes, if she does come around, for real, I'll be there.

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 17:59

Comment from: AMHFKH [Member]

I think it's really hard not to be there for your child, no matter what it is that they put us through. Everytime we reach out to them, we hope and pray that this will be the one time it is for real and we can reconnect with them and it's usually the parent that keeps getting hurt. Nancy, I can understand why you keep trying to reach out to Amy and how much it hurts when 'the bone is taken away.' Just know that you are in all of our thoughts and we will be here to help pick up the pieces for you whenever you need it.

Alice

Permalink 09/26/07 @ 19:50

Leave a Comment: You need to login to leave comments.:

Login | Register