Our foreign exchange student, Julie, saw Amy in school today. And Amy asked Julie to say hello to me and said she would call soon. Boy, that’s a switch.


As Julie and I talked about Amy, I remembered another part of our in-the-dark conversation that was quite interesting and significant…


One thing that was noticeably different about Amy over the holidays was a decrease in the anger and negativity that so permeated her being when she lived at home. It is very hard to describe to anyone who hasn’t lived with it how one person’s constant, unrelenting negativity can cast a palpable pall over the entire household. Amy didn’t cuss people out… in fact; she rarely “got angry”. She just glowered and pouted and radiated “poor me”. And 17 years of that was sheer torture.


So I asked her… who is the recipient of your anger now? Where, or to whom, do you direct that negativity? I wondered how it worked for her to have all that stuff coming from her but have no one around to impact. And… I pointed out how she had worked harder than anyone I had ever met to maintain that pout. We used to try and make her laugh or redirect that anger and negativity, but she would have none of it. With Beth, it has always been so easy to do that. And the first few (dozen) times it worked with Beth, I was always so shocked! Because we were almost never successful in pulling Amy from her constant pout.


Amy acknowledged there was no one to “benefit” from that attitude any more. And she realized that if she wanted to spend any time with the family, she had to leave the attitude behind… because there was no way I would voluntarily subject myself to another minute of that perpetually woeful face. I think my realization that she was taking her negativity with her and that she would be the only “beneficiary” of it was one of the most freeing aspects of her moving out. My heart goes out to those of you still living with one of those ball-and-chain kids… it is like we were constantly chained to a weight that slowed us down and sucked our energy right out of us. Ahhh… but perhaps Amy has even started to free herself from her ball and chain?

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