The Basic Trust Cycle

My family recently moved from Illinois back to Kansas after a five-year absence. One of the many perks about that move was the ability to be closer to our foster daughter and her two young children. Amanda is doing an amazing job of mothering these kids, even though Amanda herself was short-changed in the mothering department. But just to help her along, I stopped at the bookstore to purchase one of my all-time favorite parenting books, Parenting with Love and Logic, by Foster Cline and Jim Fay. I ended up buying one of their newer books instead, a Love and Logic book designed for parents with children six and under. I was especially pleased to note that the book described the formation of basic trust and how critical that piece is to the development of a healthy child. Furthermore, the book described the various circumstances and scenarios that can occur that derail this critical foundation of trust, including adoption, foster care and the loss of significant caregivers.

To understand disordered attachment, one has to first understand what is supposed to happen. In a perfect world, a child is nurtured and receives messages of value from the moment egg meets sperm. No toxic chemicals are consumed that alter the healthy environment of the womb. The developing fetus doesn’t grow and develop against the backdrop of a depressed, angry or abused mother who resents the presence or the inconvenience of the growing child, or who wants to love the child but resists the feeling in preparation for relinquishment at birth. In a perfect world, this planned-for child arrives on the scene to two parents who are prepared to parent, financially able to provide, and willing to subjugate their needs to meet the needs of a very dependent infant. This new baby hears the same voices he heard in utero. He is cared for by the same people on a consistent basis, and they develop a comforting and predictable routine. His parents/caregivers learn his cues and respond appropriately, doing the “dance of attunement” that is so vital to developing that healthy bond.

Stick around, we’ll talk more about this as the week unfolds!

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