Often by the time parents finally find the Attachment & Trauma Network, they have been told over and over and over again how they are doing things wrong. If only they would do this, or change that, or fix this, or try that… their child would get better. Few people in the “normal” world seem to grasp the influence an emotionally disturbed child has on the family as a whole.


During my first interactions with a family in crisis, I simply support them and validate their feelings. I let them vent and I ask questions about their experiences to gain some insight into where they’ve been and where they need to go. And then I find myself telling them something I never thought I would have to say… “Now you need to change some things…”



It was a jolt to me when I realized that was what I was doing… but it is true. We, as the parents, are the ones who need to make the first changes. For sure, our children need to make changes, but we are not in charge of their change. We are only in charge of our own.


This reality was reinforced to me at the marriage conference this weekend. The basic premise of the message was that women need love in a marriage (and need their husbands to respond in ways that send a message of love) and men need respect to feel fulfilled (and need their wives to respond to them in a way that sends a message of respect.) The speaker, Dr. Emerson Eggerichs, was quite clear that not all men deserve respect for their behaviors, but if at their core there was good will, their core being deserved respect. And by the same token, not all women were lovable, but if at their core they had good will, they had the need to be loved by their husbands. And then from a spiritual perspective he challenged us to meet the needs of our mate as if we were doing it for Christ Himself. Well, that’s a pretty heavy burden and a topic I have discussed many times with Christian families who find it very hard to love unlovable children unconditionally and indefinitely... not that they aren't called to do so.


Dr. Eggerichs believes without love, a woman acts disrespectfully to her husband, and without respect, a husband acts unlovingly towards his wife. When asked who must make the first move, his answer was, “Whoever is the most mature!” Ideally, of course, both could put forth the effort to change together, but in the absence of that cooperation, someone must step out of "The Crazy Cycle" and change things.


And that is what I have been telling parents for quite some time. As much as they don’t want to hear that they need to make changes, it really is our responsibility to make the first move. Now some of us have made thousands of moves and no change occurred in our children, so at that point, we have to redefine what we do going forward. But the message this weekend has planted a seed within me that I need to revisit (for the umpteenth time) many of my conditioned responses to Amy.


Photo credit and more great information about this message available here.