I sat Dora in my lap this morning before she headed to the bus and read her Bipette’s comments and questions about how to handle her “unofficial” teen-aged foster son. Together I talked through my thoughts with Dora … and now I’ll share them with you …


Here are the significant quotes from Bipette’s comment, addressing her foster son’s complaints that Bipette’s husband was OK but Bipette was a problem:

She was in his business too much and helping too much.

I believe he thinks that Coach would not care what he does if I wasn't there. And that's somewhat true, but not entirely. Coach is a guy, and does not worry like I do. And does not have a Mother's love. But he still believes in rules and enforcing them.

He's never had a Dad. But it was his Mother who hurt and betrayed him so much.

J may be squawking, but he wants what you are doing, Bipette. You said it yourself—“he thinks that Coach would not care what he does if I wasn’t there.” While you know that this is not true, the key words here are care what he does. What does J most want? Someone to care what he does! If you didn’t approach him with a Mother’s love, he probably would have been out of there long before now. (You said yourself he had been provided places to stay, but no parenting ...) Whether or not he risks receiving it … that’s up to him. But that is why he keeps coming back. He has a chance to be valued by someone, and you show him that he is important by being his parent. You don’t invest in the neighbor’s kid across the street … you are investing in him. Folks usually only invest in what is important and what has a chance to provide a return on their investment (meaning it has value!) Everyone decides for themselves how long they will invest with no return (in my case, well over a decade ...) but initially, you willingly invest with the hope of return, because you recognize the value in the child.


You will be the one to take the heat, as you do represent the primary figure in his life who should have put his needs and his welfare above hers … and clearly she didn’t. He has to have some horrendously deep wounds. What kind of a mom would run off on a kid with cancer? (Oh, wait, lots of them. Our foster daughter’s mom ran out on her family when our foster daughter was 8 and her sibs were preschoolers … and her brother has cystic fibrosis.)


I think you need to do what you have been doing. Hold fast but be flexible. Take as many opportunities as you can to send him messages of value, but do it as much through the back door as possible so as not to encourage him to prove you wrong. Remember, messages of confidence and competence send concurrent messages of value.


It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job. Hang in there and continue to keep us posted!


Steel box with a velvet lining

Confidence and competence

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