Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD Blog

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Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog

03/26/07

The early years

Posted by : Nancy Spoolstra in Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog at 10:56 am , 385 words, 133 views
Categories: My family, Reader's Questions

A reader asked what Amy was like as a child and what behaviors concerned us early on. This is a good question and a difficult one to answer… not because I don’t know the answer, but because it is painful to remember our struggles that originated so early on and never really resolved.
Amy was 21 months old and weighed about 21 pounds when she arrived. She was a beautiful child, notwithstanding the dour face and perpetual pout she wore from the very beginning. I was completely clueless about attachment, grief and loss. I did some things right in terms of structure, nurturing and “gluing” her to me, but I did some things wrong in terms of what I know to do today.

From the very, very beginning she was “strong-willed”. I clearly remember giving her vitamins because she was such a waif and because the pediatrician wanted her to take them. She would hold them in her mouth and let them dissolve (yuck!) rather than chew them. It was a real battle, and my husband and I were both fighting with her. I wouldn’t do that today, but we didn’t “get it”. It was a symptom of a much bigger problem.

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I also clearly remember a time she was grieving her losses, and I knew she was grieving. She was in the bedroom she shared with Steph, and she was “there but not there.” I tried to comfort her but she wanted none of it. I remember telling her I would be in the kitchen if she needed or wanted me, and I left her in the bedroom. Some time later she walked into the kitchen, arms by her sides, head down, and she came and stood in front of me. The message was very clear… I need someone, you’re not it but I guess you’ll have to do for now. I picked her up and held her. If I had it to do all over again, I would have pushed past that and picked her up and headed to the rocking chair at any sign of grieving or shut down.

To be continued...

This photo was taken in Thailand before she came home, and the t-shirt is one we sent her and it reads: "My family in Indiana loves me".

4 comments

Comments, Pingbacks:

Comment from: Faith Allen [Member]

· http://hoping.adoptionblogs.com/

She looks so sad in that picture -- much sadder than one would expect from a child so young.

- Faith

Permalink 03/26/07 @ 15:13

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

She was sad! And she IS sad... that's a big part of the problem... but it isn't a sadness or depression that responds to meds... it is a state of mind.

In this picture she was being held by her foster mom in Thailand, who treated her well. Things were not going poorly for her... other than her original loss of birthmom... which is not a small loss, of course... but one faced by ALL adoptees!

Permalink 03/26/07 @ 16:29

Comment from: creampuff_sugar [Member]

Nancy,
Thank you so much for sharing about Amy. My husband and I read some writing you had done ...(I think it was before this blog) and we'd wondered how things had transpired. You were actually the first one with a RAD child that is like our son. We didn't feel so alone. Many are like our daughter (Ragers who can be motivated to some extent and who seem to want something in their lives). The other child that reminded me of our son is one of the children that Deb Hannah writes about in "The Unlit Path"...not the same...they come in all flavors!!!...but similarities... While I deeply appreciate you sharing about the early years of having Amy, and things you would have done differently, it fails to take into account the choices that the RAD child makes. Our daughter seems to understand that her choices affect her world and she can make different choices. Our son is like...well, my husband read about an experiment and please excuse the morbidity (and mortality of it, but it really resonated with us) of it...Anyway, the scientist put a rat in water and it treaded water for over 50 hours before drowning. Another rat was held until it stopped struggling. It was put into the water and drowned in minutes. Our son is like that second animal. He gives up almost immediately. Why try? There is nothing he wants. And his "bottom" is lower than what we can ethically and morally go...He just wants nothing. Consequences? No big deal. He wants nothing. His sister (our daughter). Totally different. They went through the same horrible abuse, were adopted at the same time...If I had two like our daughter, I would think that I have answers and "know" what words. I am thanking God that I don't. It causes me to realize how much I need Him and how much I don't know...and spurs me on to seek Him and His wisdom.

For what it's worth,
Patricia

Permalink 03/27/07 @ 18:32

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

My daughter would be like the second rat. She doesn't care about anything and I SO hear you about the "he will go lower than we can possibly go." I have shared countless times with my daughter about God's plan for her, how He doesn't make mistakes, how valuable she is... it doesn't sink in. If she can't/won't value herself, there is no place for her to absorb the message of value from others.

Permalink 03/27/07 @ 21:26

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