Beth asked me last night while we were rocking and cuddling before bed why she had trouble maintaining eye contact sometimes. I started by telling her what my therapist friend told me when we were at the ATTACh conference last week. He and his therapy partner worked several hours with Dora, and we discussed the fact that Beth could use a “tune up.” His assessment was that Beth knew I loved her, but wasn’t sure why she was lovable.


I started our conversation by addressing Beth’s losses and how those losses affect her willingness to risk vulnerability. She readily acknowledged an undercurrent of trust issues, although she is surprised to realize it somewhat extends to me. I also told her I believed a big part of her reticence to always allow me to fully see into her eyes … the windows of the soul … is because she is afraid of disappointing me. Bingo, I hit a nerve, as those beautiful big eyes began to fill with tears.


I told Beth about a conversation or two that had occurred at the ATTACh conference. In my conversations with the therapist that worked with Dora, as well as conversations that occurred with ATN staff, the subject of my intensity and assertiveness was addressed. I know I come on very strong. I know I often (but not always) have very high expectations of myself and others. I know I am highly intimidating to many folks. I wish it were not so, although that intensity and assertiveness is part of what created ATN. (At least, that was the viewpoint of my therapist friend!) I am who I am, to coin a phrase. And many, many times in my life I have wished I could turn it off or at least tone it down. But I can’t. And my intensity attacks my body as well, which is why I take migraine meds and reflux meds.


I know this is tough on my kids. And if you throw in the fact that I am tired and even less “flexible”, it can get downright stinky here sometimes. But here’s the other side of the equation … my friends who really know me and my kids know that I would do anything for them and that I am really not the ogre I might appear to be at that moment. New ATN staff is learning that I am quite approachable, and while I certainly have a large vested interest in ATN, I do not need to micromanage—nor do I want to. Julie reassures new ATN staff by telling them she has not been successful yet in getting me angry!


I clearly remember the message that came through loud and clear from my mom. While I know she loves me very much, the message had a somewhat conditional component to it. It seemed as if I could never measure up. I know I can easily slip into sending the same message, and I hate that. I made it abundantly clear to Beth tonight that she makes me very proud, and that in spite of what my daily actions might indicate, I am not disappointed in her.


I definitely need to make sure I get my rest and it is also quite clear that I am still very much a work in progress myself. The very last thing I want to do is send my kids a deflating message. I am the luckiest mom in the world, and that is the message they need to hear!

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