Comments on: The fallout after four days of Disneyland respite http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan Addresses challenges faced by parents of children with Reactive Attachment Disorder and provides news and support. Wed, 17 Mar 2010 19:13:41 -0700 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8.4 hourly 1 By: jocelyn scott http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan/comment-page-1#comment-3068 jocelyn scott Mon, 18 Feb 2008 22:04:52 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/14/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan#comment-3068 Nancy, Dora sounds far more ambivalent to me than you seem to think. If her psychological walls were totally impermeable and impregnable, she wouldn't feel the need to keep giving herself a pep talk to keep them up. I wouldn't be so pessimistic; maybe she'll eventually feel secure enough to let them down or at least show you a crack or two in them. Good luck!<br /> Nancy, Dora sounds far more ambivalent to me than you seem to think. If her psychological walls were totally impermeable and impregnable, she wouldn’t feel the need to keep giving herself a pep talk to keep them up. I wouldn’t be so pessimistic; maybe she’ll eventually feel secure enough to let them down or at least show you a crack or two in them. Good luck!

]]> By: katef http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan/comment-page-1#comment-3067 katef Sun, 17 Feb 2008 04:41:31 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/14/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan#comment-3067 From my own experience, like what Nancy is going through, no matter what title a person gives to the process of bringing a child into the family, whether it be signing the adoption papers, changing the last name, or anything in the like, when you give and give and give and get nothing in return it almost feels like your heart can't beat as strongly. It's not that you, as a parent or a sibling, are asking for them to attach without precautions, because that will never really happen, I think, if I'm understanding you correct Nancy, that we're just asking for some trust and acknowledgement. From my own experience, like what Nancy is going through, no matter what title a person gives to the process of bringing a child into the family, whether it be signing the adoption papers, changing the last name, or anything in the like, when you give and give and give and get nothing in return it almost feels like your heart can’t beat as strongly. It’s not that you, as a parent or a sibling, are asking for them to attach without precautions, because that will never really happen, I think, if I’m understanding you correct Nancy, that we’re just asking for some trust and acknowledgement.

]]> By: scrapsbynobody http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan/comment-page-1#comment-3066 scrapsbynobody Sat, 16 Feb 2008 21:47:46 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/14/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan#comment-3066 My2rubies,<br /> Just curious, so feel free not to answer. How old was your child or children when they came home, and do they have a RAD diagnosis? <br /> <br /> Also just wanted to say that I looked up some of the folks you have quoted in your previous comments, and found some excellent information and encouragement. Not from this post...one from awhile back. Thanks for sharing. My2rubies,
Just curious, so feel free not to answer. How old was your child or children when they came home, and do they have a RAD diagnosis?

Also just wanted to say that I looked up some of the folks you have quoted in your previous comments, and found some excellent information and encouragement. Not from this post…one from awhile back. Thanks for sharing.

]]> By: my2rubies http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan/comment-page-1#comment-3065 my2rubies Sat, 16 Feb 2008 21:34:29 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/14/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan#comment-3065 Adoptive mom, here, nobody, just for the record.<br /> <br /> I guess I'm wondering why legal proceedings have started. Sounds to me like you're headed into Amy-ville and I recall you explicitly saying back when Dora came along that you refused to go there again. Adoptive mom, here, nobody, just for the record.

I guess I’m wondering why legal proceedings have started. Sounds to me like you’re headed into Amy-ville and I recall you explicitly saying back when Dora came along that you refused to go there again.

]]> By: scrapsbynobody http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan/comment-page-1#comment-3064 scrapsbynobody Sat, 16 Feb 2008 20:15:41 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/14/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan#comment-3064 I have watched this conversation with interest, wondering how a couple of the participants fall into the adoption realm. Are you adoptive parents? Adoptees? Just curious, because in our home, and in our experience, legal proceedings matter not one whit to a child who has been moved from care giver to care giver. Neither does the use of the name "Mom". It means less than nothing to a child who has had multiple placements. Attaching significance to these things is something a normal healthy child or adult would do, but not an unattached one. When I was new to this, and uninitiated, I made the mistake of thinking these things would matter. I have since learned better, so focus my energies elsewhere. Remember, Dora has already been legally adopted by one family, and called at least one other woman Mom. If anything, these could actually be irritants to her emotionally, rather than reassurances. I have watched this conversation with interest, wondering how a couple of the participants fall into the adoption realm. Are you adoptive parents? Adoptees? Just curious, because in our home, and in our experience, legal proceedings matter not one whit to a child who has been moved from care giver to care giver. Neither does the use of the name “Mom”. It means less than nothing to a child who has had multiple placements. Attaching significance to these things is something a normal healthy child or adult would do, but not an unattached one. When I was new to this, and uninitiated, I made the mistake of thinking these things would matter. I have since learned better, so focus my energies elsewhere. Remember, Dora has already been legally adopted by one family, and called at least one other woman Mom. If anything, these could actually be irritants to her emotionally, rather than reassurances.

]]> By: bluestocking http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan/comment-page-1#comment-3063 bluestocking Sat, 16 Feb 2008 20:00:08 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/14/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan#comment-3063 Yeah. That's exactly my point, which Feniyimom expressed more succinctly and better than I did. Unless you have told this child explicitly that you are willing to keep her and love her, even when you don't like her behavior, will work with her and won't give up on her, regardless of how difficult she chooses to be, how the heck is she supposed to build that trusting relationship you want her to build with you? She apparently calls you "Mom," which sounds like one positive sign. Are you her "forever mom?" I think asking a kid to "claim you" without that guarantee of permanence is demanding far too much of a child, particularly a traumatized child. Adults need to take the first step. If you've given her those assurances and are now insisting that she start opening up to you, that's great, but it's not really clear from what you've written. Yeah. That’s exactly my point, which Feniyimom expressed more succinctly and better than I did. Unless you have told this child explicitly that you are willing to keep her and love her, even when you don’t like her behavior, will work with her and won’t give up on her, regardless of how difficult she chooses to be, how the heck is she supposed to build that trusting relationship you want her to build with you? She apparently calls you “Mom,” which sounds like one positive sign. Are you her “forever mom?” I think asking a kid to “claim you” without that guarantee of permanence is demanding far too much of a child, particularly a traumatized child. Adults need to take the first step. If you’ve given her those assurances and are now insisting that she start opening up to you, that’s great, but it’s not really clear from what you’ve written.

]]> By: Nancy Spoolstra http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan/comment-page-1#comment-3062 Nancy Spoolstra Sat, 16 Feb 2008 19:53:05 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/14/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan#comment-3062 Legal proceedings have begun, making her placement permanent. Legal proceedings have begun, making her placement permanent.

]]> By: fenyimom http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan/comment-page-1#comment-3061 fenyimom Sat, 16 Feb 2008 19:08:37 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/14/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan#comment-3061 Agree with bluestocking. Dora's world is still not on a firm footing, as far as what you have posted here. Unless you have started adoption proceedings, as far as she knows she could be moved to another strange home tomorrow. How can she consider investing herself in a situation that is so precarious? Agree with bluestocking. Dora’s world is still not on a firm footing, as far as what you have posted here. Unless you have started adoption proceedings, as far as she knows she could be moved to another strange home tomorrow. How can she consider investing herself in a situation that is so precarious?

]]> By: bluestocking http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan/comment-page-1#comment-3060 bluestocking Sat, 16 Feb 2008 17:04:04 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/14/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan#comment-3060 OK, obviously we don't have all the facts and it wouldn't be right for you to violate this child's privacy by giving them. On the other hand, what you have described sounds like a poor relationship heading further downstream and a nine-year-old child who you have accused of "not doing the work on her life." Maybe I simply don't understand your jargon. I don't know what your meaning is there or what you think is a minimal requirement. She does sound like an unhappy kid who has been living with a foster family for six months after being dumped by her adoptive parents because they weren't willing to keep doing what was necessary to help what is probably a difficult child who acted out in ways they couldn't manage. In those circumstances, most normal people would find it hard to trust, particularly if they knew from experience that their world could be yanked out from under them at any time. OK, obviously we don’t have all the facts and it wouldn’t be right for you to violate this child’s privacy by giving them. On the other hand, what you have described sounds like a poor relationship heading further downstream and a nine-year-old child who you have accused of “not doing the work on her life.” Maybe I simply don’t understand your jargon. I don’t know what your meaning is there or what you think is a minimal requirement. She does sound like an unhappy kid who has been living with a foster family for six months after being dumped by her adoptive parents because they weren’t willing to keep doing what was necessary to help what is probably a difficult child who acted out in ways they couldn’t manage. In those circumstances, most normal people would find it hard to trust, particularly if they knew from experience that their world could be yanked out from under them at any time.

]]> By: fenyimom http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/weblogs/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan/comment-page-1#comment-3059 fenyimom Sat, 16 Feb 2008 15:52:15 +0000 http://reactive-att.www.adoptionblogs.com/2008/02/14/the-fallout-after-four-days-of-disneylan#comment-3059 Bluestocking mentioned having similar talks with herself as a child. I had the same reaction, having been bullied nonstop from 5th grade through 8th grade. I didn't want to worry my parents with what was happening, but I certainly remember telling myself over and over "be tough. They can't hurt you if you are tough enough." Bluestocking mentioned having similar talks with herself as a child. I had the same reaction, having been bullied nonstop from 5th grade through 8th grade. I didn’t want to worry my parents with what was happening, but I certainly remember telling myself over and over “be tough. They can’t hurt you if you are tough enough.”

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