Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD Blog - The joy of giving (NOT!) Part Two

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Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog

12/07/06

The joy of giving (NOT!) Part Two

Posted by : Nancy Spoolstra in Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog at 06:18 pm , 490 words, 69 views
Categories: Adoption Disruption

Continued from Part One...

From what Nancy Thomas indicated, few kids in her experience missed more than one, or at most two, Christmas celebrations. Not my daughter. Year after year she repeated this routine. One year we woke her up at noon so she could take her first shower in five days and join us for dinner.

The last couple of years have been better. And the summer she was 14 when she lived with my parents and worked (to repay the hundreds of dollars of adult pay-per-view movies she had racked up), she apparently missed us. With the help of my folks, she bought gifts that she gave us when we arrived to take her home. Those gifts stand out as the time she put the most effort into thinking about what someone else would want. My mom said they were her ideas… and if so, she did a great job. Since that time, if she has purchased gifts, many have been trinkets or candy or something she could give to say she gave it. There might have been a few minor exceptions. And the thing is, I am incredibly easy to buy for. I have a zillion hobbies. So it really doesn’t take much thinking… And her older sibs have offered to go in on gifts with her or given her ideas.... to no avail.

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This year, she is on her own and working. She really shouldn’t be spending tons of money… Besides, it isn't about the money. It is about the thought that goes into the gift. She has been working with Kyle on some ideas, according to him. It will be interesting to see what she does. I am sorry to say, both my husband and I have had the feeling in the past that gift giving is still about her… about proving she has something to give, or announcing how much time and thought went into the purchase. Maybe that is a developmental progression from giving nothing at all? Maybe she really is that clueless about giving of herself, physically or emotionally, to others? But other than that one summer she was 14, I can’t say I have received too many gifts from her that really felt given.

How are you folks handling Christmas? Some people think Christmas and birthdays should be “celebrated” no matter what the attitude of the child. I think a child who resents their birth isn’t really going to celebrate it. And perhaps it is a cliché, but Christmas is about giving not getting. In the real world, folks don’t shower you with gifts when you act ugly. I don’t think it sends the right message to the disturbed child or the healthy ones if the unpleasant, nonreciprocal kid gets all the same perks as the fun-to-be-around ones. Not to mention who wants to buy for a sour, unappreciative child? But that’s just my two cents.

5 comments

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Comment from: T-N-T [Member]

We haven't decided about gifts yet this year. We haven't even put up the tree.

It has not been a good year. We came close to giving both boys up.

So we are having a hard time deciding what to do.

I'm with you on not rewarding bad behavior and this year it was beyond bad, way beyond.

It saddens me that my boys won't have the same good memories about Christmas with mom as I do.

I would always help decorating the house and can remember great Christmas mornings openning gifts and spending time together as a family, even though we had our problems too.

Now I dread it.

My wife had a good idea about my oldest sons school Christmas party. Yes, they still call it that. It is a very small town whose name happens to be "Faith.")

She told him this morning "if" she allows him to go he will have to give his gifts away to the poeple he has hurt this year.

Like the girl he punched on several ocassions for not wanting to play with him , the boy he tripped and kicked in the stomach on the playground, again for not playing with him, or the girl he terrorized because he believed she took his halloween pencil. The list goes on.

I won't even mention our youngest and his issues, I'm out of medication.

So we may bypass the Gift giving part of Christmas this year and focus on the real reason.

I'd rather have them looking back and remembering what Christ gave them instead of what new gadet they recieved.

Permalink 12/08/06 @ 06:49

Comment from: guppy [Member]

I'd be a downer here. I hated Christmas at around 16 (years old) I really didn't care if I get anything. I didn't really want to get anything. But of course I did get bunch of stuff from mom and pretended joy. I didn't want to be getting stuff for others either. Amy may be bothered by the fact that she has to make effort to be joyful if she isn't. I am not advocating for her just saying that you don't have to be sorry for her not to take part in happiness because she may be totally bothered by all the hassle. I honestly didn't like Christmas/ preparations/ etc. for good few years. I know it's really selfish to not take part in family when one "doesn't feel like it" but again; don't feel sorry for her. She's missing it because she wants to miss it.

Permalink 12/08/06 @ 08:03

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

Thanks for the insight, guppy. And I must say, I'm pretty well past feeling sorry for her. She definitely makes her own bed (or doesn't, as the case may be!)

Permalink 12/08/06 @ 09:13

Comment from: klkillian [Member]

Christmas this year is going to be interesting. Kiddo is in an RTC and doing a good job of working the con that Mom & Dad don't provide clothes, shoes, etc.

We, for the first time in our 17 year marriage, purchased our first new to us mattress. Our past ones have always been used.

DS peed all over his old mattress, and we ended up burning it. He is getting our old (12 year old) mattress, and new bedding since this one is larger than his last one.

That's it. Not feeling compelled to do more than that. Actually not too excited about doing this, but.....

He has been good about wanting to get us things, and picking things we like, but earning the money to pay for it, yeah right.

Permalink 12/08/06 @ 11:47

Comment from: a04toyou [Member]

I truly do understand your frustrations and pain. And it is well deserved. My husband is Jewish and as a family we have embraced Jewish customs and practices. Hanukkah is especially special. We light candles each night (the six kids take turns) and those kids who are old enough to have learned in Hewbrew/Sunday School we say the blessings over the candles. Instead of the traditional barrage of gifts, each night we celebrate a theme, such as "sweet." That night we bake and decorate Hanukkah cookies. The kids LOVE it. One night is movie night. We either buy the latest DVD or on pay tv we buy the newest movie out (family) and watch it together after making popcorn. One night is 'cuddle.' Other years the kids got a stuffed animal or a new blanket I made. This year, I held off on buying pjs, slippers, and robes--so they will 'cuddle' wearing things they actually 'need' (but don't realize it yet!). Another night is the mystery tour. Last year we rented a full size limo and drove around the city drinking water and sucking on peppermint sticks. Sounds silly, but even our two grown daughters and grandson LOVED it. We stopped for dinner and looked at Christmas lights downtown. One night is game night. We don't even buy new games--we just play with what we have. This is just what we do. I can share the rest of the nights, or come up with ones of your own. There are no birthday parties except as a family. Each child plans the whole meal. This past October my youngest son turned six years old. We had hot dogs, french fries, potato chips, rootbeer and watermelon. The older kids thought he picked the BEST meal so far. My husband and I---well, we grinned and ate it. Birthdays are celebrated by money gifts of $10/year old. With eight children (our two birth daughters included), no one ever feels cheated. The kids seem to make their birthday money last just about all year. Just works I guess. Looking so forward to our holiday. I think maybe you can incorporate similiar family activities. It means way more to our kids too. Hope this spreads a little 'cheer' into your day as you look forward to Christmas. Elaine P.S. On Christmas Day, we're playing bingo with at the local Jewish Home for the Aged and then having another family over for a game night.

Permalink 12/09/06 @ 20:20

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