Reactive Attachment Disorder, RAD Blog - The Limits of Hope, Part One

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Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog

08/19/06

The Limits of Hope, Part One

Posted by : Nancy Spoolstra in Reactive Attachment Disorder Blog at 01:27 pm , 394 words, 93 views
Categories: Support, My family

Based on a comment left on my last blog, it appears I have lost a reader… or perhaps two or three or twenty… This mom pierced me with perhaps one of the few arrows that still have the ability to penetrate my wounded body. She accused me of taking away her hope. In all fairness, it is not the first time I have been accused of that transgression. And I know, perhaps as well as anyone, what hope means to a struggling mom. Hope is about all I have had to hold onto this past 17 years. Hope that one day Amy would understand about relationships. Hope that someday she would care enough about herself to have good hygiene, to participate in life, to be a daughter and let me be her mom.

It isn’t about off-the-charts expectations… it is about the very basics. I understand she processes things differently and she has issues and fears and insecurities. She doesn’t have to be a clone of me or anyone else. She doesn’t have to be a rocket scientist or even go to college. There are aspects to her behavior that truly are out of her control, and I get that.

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But it IS within her control to choose her attitude. She doesn’t have to be nasty to people, much less to the people who have physically and emotionally supported her all these years. And all that I had in the midst of the perpetual pout, victim mentality and refusal to change was hope. At one point I was driving 1 hour and 45 minutes each way to take her to therapy, hoping she would make some changes. I stopped taking her when she said, “I know what I need to do but I don’t want to do it.” That pretty effectively killed the hope that therapy would do much good. (By the way, this was the last but certainly not the first therapist or psychiatrist or neurologist... we have seen countless mental health professionals over the years.)

Have you heard of Elizabeth Kübler-Ross, a doctor in Switzerland who spent a lot of time with dying people? She wrote a book called On Death and Dying which included a cycle of emotional states that has come to be referred to as the Grief Cycle. More on that (and about hope) coming…

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7 comments

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Comment from: lucy [Member]

You are not responsible for anyone else's sense of hope. You have every right to feel what you feel and to grieve the loss of dreams you've held for Amy.

I have watched my children be homeless, struggle on the streets and refuse to accept that the world requires certain things. It breaks my heart-much as Amy's choices are breaking yours now.

The book title you chose for this blog is a book I discovered shortly after my first son left home on not good terms tossing away all my hope for his future. I think of it often as it helps my heart accept that sometimes no matter what we do, the outcome isn't what we wanted for our children.

Listening to Nancy Ashe this summer also helped me deal with the decision that my 17 year old cannot live at home if there is any hope for his future. Not what I want for him either.

No one will ever love Amy more then you and no one will ever understand the way she processes the world as you do. I know this is very, very hard.

We all hope for healing for our children. The reality is that there are some children, despite what we offer them, chose to stay on the wrong path. We cannot choose for them.

Hang in there, Nancy. This journey isn't over. I hate as you do that things have come to this place. I have been praying for your heart in this as well as for Amy's. I know it's breaking right now that the outcome isn't different

Permalink 08/19/06 @ 13:45

Comment from: Nancy Spoolstra [Member]

· http://attachment-disorder.adoptionblogs.com/

Thanks Nancy. Fortunately Beth just took the dog outside so she didn't see me fall apart as I just read this...

Permalink 08/19/06 @ 14:13

Comment from: Jan Baker [Member]

· http://birthfamily-search.adoptionblogs.com/

Nancy, if some of your readers chose to give you the power to "take away their hope", there's little that you can do about it. However, I believe firmly that it is unwise to give someone else the power to control how we feel.

Personally, I think that to blame you for their choosing to give up is grossly unfair. You write honestly about how you feel, and your reality is a harsh one often. Nevertheless, it a cope-out to blame you if someone decides to give up hope.

I have been reading your posts for some time now - they are sad - and often hard. That is your reality. But, you are not giving up, and you are dealing with your situation as best you can. Somehow those who accuse you of taking away their hope have missed your message.

I do not see you as giving up, but acknowledging that "the ball is now in your daughter's court". As parents, we do as much as we can for our children. Ultimately, they decide what to make of their lives.

Permalink 08/19/06 @ 15:20

Comment from: Sunbonnet Sue [Member]

Nancy, one time you described your daughter like this: “she has never developed a core personality of her own.” That was helpful to me, because it is crystal clear, without a core personality of her own, she is only capable of reflecting what she sees in others. An incredibly fake way to be. Others who have never lived with a person like this will have a difficult time understanding how draining it can be. There are many different ways attachment difficulties manifest themselves. It would not be overstating things to say each parent experiences a unique situation. Personally, I find children who express their attachment challenges with open rage far easier to parent compared to a child who is empty and hollow. Additionally, more support is given from others, as an enraged child is a problem most people can agree is truly a problem. A silent child who drifts from room to room presents greater challenges.

The picture you posted of your child in her dress is one of my favorites. There is no need for you to prove anything to anyone. You are who you are, which you have every right to be! That particular photo demonstrates who you are very well. To all of your children, not just that particular little girl.

And by the way, I spent the day sitting on my deck, just tapping my toes gently together. All day. Maybe I’ll do that tomorrow too…….. and all next week………until it snows…….. it’s the Amy way of doing life!

Permalink 08/19/06 @ 16:49

Comment from: T-N-T [Member]

Nancy,

I have only been reading your blogs a short time and am impressed with your frankness.

I am the father of two non-sibling boys 4 and 7 both adopted through the Foster care system in North Carolina. Both dx with RAD and several other initials I won't mention.

They both have been in various therapies more than 3/4 of their young lives and will probabley continue for many years to come.

I will be there to support them when needed, but I will not become part of their problem.

I hope that I will be as steadfast as you are in your appraoch to your daughter when the time comes.

p.s I don't think your negative. What you are realting is your reality. You would be a fraud otherwise.

For those who are offended by your honesty, well, this isn't candyland!

Permalink 08/19/06 @ 19:08

Comment from: tigercindy [Member]

You know, if all you wrote about was Amy and the difficulties there and never presented the possibility that things could (and should) be better, then I could understand the idea of someone losing hope by reading your struggles. But you don't.

You have also written quite poignantly about your triumphs with Beth. How she, another child with Attachment issues, has begun to overcome those struggles in order to connect with you. We can all see that she is purposely trying to get there. She herself has taken ownership of her relationship with you. To put her juxtaposed against Amy gives hope to anyone who has read your blogs.

Please keep writing the truth, we need to hear it -- no matter where we are in this adoption journey.

Cindy

Permalink 08/19/06 @ 20:41

Comment from: jpdakota [Member]

So, Nancy, you made her lose her hope, huh? Wow, you're really powerful. I would have sworn that we aren't responsible for how anyone else feels. One thing you have never been is coersive to your readers. So let's all carry our own burdens about hope, shall we?
Seriously, Nancy, you have enough of your own problems to carry. Nobody can carry the whole darn world, not even you.

Permalink 08/21/06 @ 20:29

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