Even though this is a three-day weekend, today being MLK day, I haven’t had a chance to crack Andrew Bridge’s new book, Hope’s Boy. I took Beth and her friend roller-skating today and managed to burn about 600 calories myself. The dogs didn't care that I already had my exercise, so we walked our usual two miles when I returned home. I’m tired! Kyle and Marie had dinner with us both Saturday and Sunday evening, and of course, there was food preparation to do. Another 4-5 hours on my chaotic basement went a long way towards restoring order, and a non-profit that collects donations for troubled kids and autistic kids is going to get one huge haul on Wednesday. So, much has been accomplished, but some things have been left undone.

Friday mid-day is Dora’s normal therapy time, and we had another fabulous session two days ago. I am incredibly, unbelievably grateful to have such an awesome therapist working with Dora and me. It takes so much pressure off me when I have another set of eyes helping me assess and define the behaviors I am seeing from Dora. No matter how much a person knows or doesn’t know, when you are personally involved, much of that knowledge gets skewed. This is quite similar to how little credence I give my veterinary knowledge when my animals are ill. I lose perspective when I am so close to the source.

Dora is still not doing much work on her own life. Every question about her future, her behavior, her choices, her whatever ends with an answer that centers around what someone else needs to do for her to make things better. Someone else needs to talk to her, rock her, make her happy, fix this issue, do something. The therapist was very clear about putting it back upon Dora. Only time will tell … Dora’s response, if she does anything, is to do a minimal amount and then coast … or do something, but include a passive-aggressive twist on it.

As the therapist and I discussed the burnout that accompanies this type of parenting, she shared with me a cycle of parental response that I had to share with you. It starts out with the unbridled hopes all new parents harbor when they first add a new child to the family. As the bloom leaves the rose, parents experience disillusionment. As negative interactions begin to outweigh positive ones, disillusionment turns to despair. And then … the child throws out what the therapist calls a golden nugget –some positive behavior or response that has the immediate effect of catapulting despairing parents into re-commitment and more hope. Do any of you recognize this cycle? I sure do!

My therapist friend told me that when parents start to see more and more golden nuggets tossed out—more and more regular positive responses—the parents hang in there and loop around the cycle. It is when no nuggets are offered that parents spend more time in the despair portion of the loop.

Interestingly enough, the therapist completed her explanation of this cycle by pointing out how it is a variation of the domestic abuse cycle. Hope for a healthy relationship, followed by some disillusionment when the partner becomes abusive; despair after a beating; flowers or candy accompanied by reassurances that it won’t happen again—powerful golden nuggets; followed by hope that this time he means it.

We (parents) have often been told not to ride the roller coaster with our children. This view of our rising and falling hopes is a very accurate picture of why our emotions and our lives are so disrupted.

Photo Credit: Schematic created by Nancy Spoolstra

Parental hope cycle credited to Laurie Trickey